Overcoming dating apathy and complete inexperience?

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I have been periodically reading posts in this sub-forum for about a week now, and have seen a mixture of perspectives. I don't know if this is common, but my dilemma is that I'm completely apathetic to the dating process.

Initially, this started as aversion to romantic relationships instilled by my parents' failed marriage, among other things. By the time high school started, aversion gave way to prioritization. I decided that I wanted to prepare myself for adulthood, and gave myself a head start by pouring my heart and soul into schoolwork and, once into college, professional development. But now, I am entering a new stage of life.

I am graduating after this semester, and I have a job in IT to start in June. Given the high number of people in my age group here at campus, it seems ideal for me to shift gears and focus on social skills. I have had some success establishing acquaintances and becoming a more eloquent speaker, but there is still one thing that I have been unable to motivate myself into doing: dating.

Since I never made dating or romantic relationships a priority at any point before, I am severely lacking in knowledge, skill and interest when it comes to the social ritual. I have secretly desired (though not expected) that anyone interested in me to just communicate that interest so I could perhaps make room for it in my mental hierarchy without throwing it out of whack in vain. As a result, I have only been on a couple awkward dates, and have never had intimate contact with anyone. Thankfully, masturbation has been an effective tool at curbing and satisfying libido.

But now, I have no logical reason to avoid it any longer. I'm done academically for now, and I am employed, so my reason of "wanting to get my own life on track before bringing another person in" is no longer valid.

Personally, I would love to have the benefits of a monogamous relationship. Intimacy makes emotional understanding and support far easier and more powerful, the financial and practical elements of mutual living benefit both parties as insurance against risk, the ability to live with someone to intellectually talk with for years is appealing to me, and the feeling of companionship is highly pleasurable. Despite that, dating both eludes me and annoys me. It seems like an unnecessarily roundabout way to evaluate whether or not a long term relationship is possible between two people.

I have mild Asperger's syndrome so I can talk to people relatively easily. However, I am somewhat overweight and have the typical quiet and introspective "head in the clouds" Aspie demeanor, which seems to be the antithesis to Western culture's ideal man. As a result, I have my doubts that women will approach to ask me out or demonstrate any romantic interest, which is further exasperated by my inability to pick up on flirtation (I do not know if I have ever been a recipient of it). Therefore, it is clear to me that finding a long term relationship will now require going through the roundabout social ritual, despite my aversion to it.

My question is then this: for those who can empathize with my perspective and have been able to overcome the problems that are present, how did you do so? I have tried to rationalize it away by repeating to myself that the ends (pleasant long-term relationship) justify the means (boring inefficient dating ritual), but I am concerned that my emotions still give off a vibe that could be keeping people away. I wonder how many people potentially interested in me decided to not reveal it to me due to my potentially asexual demeanor.

Could there be a way that I could psychologically become accepting of the dating process?

Also, if this aversion could simply be a result of anxiety from lack of experience, what would be a good launching pad? I remember being absolutely horrible at behavioral job interviews a little over a year ago, but repeated experience has made me quite skilled at them (as long as they aren't too long). But while interviews are structured and intentions are clear, dates seem to be unstructured and intentions seem to be vague. Is there a way to focus on dates with structure and clear intentions?

I know it's a lot, but hopefully this ramble isn't too incoherent. If it is, let me know and I'll edit in a concrete list of questions so you know what I'm trying to figure out.

I enjoyed reading your post. Aside from a handful of points, it pretty much describes my situation as well. I can't say that I have overcome anything as I have still been unable to successfully enter into a long-term relationship, but I can say that I have indeed progressed a long way from even a year ago. You already suggested some very helpful advice in your own post, even if you didn't realize it. You see, I think of dates in the same fashion as job interviews, the only difference is that they are less formal/more fun, and you are "interviewing" to be a romantic partner. That said don't make the mistake of treating a date like an interview, because that's a major no-no! But in both situations, be it a date or an interview, the person across the table from you will be thinking similar things (I'm talking strictly non-sexual stuff here). And as you learned to interview well through repetition, I think that the same applies to dating.

I remember on the first date I had, I was a nervous wreck and made a total fool of myself. However, now I am much more comfortable and I would like to say I can even be rather charming. On my most recent date yesterday, I didn't have the slightest hint of nervousness, and was able to keep the conversation flowing with plenty of laughter pretty easily. That certainly came through lots of practice and trial/error though....and I applied the exact same skills I learned from job interviews to dating.

As for structure, dates can be as structured or unstructured as you like. You can go in saying: "We're gong to see _____ movie at 7:00, eat dinner at _______ at 8:15, and leave at 8:55, and conversation will only include topics ______, _____, and _______". Or you can say "See you sometime tomorrow, and we'll wing it". That's really something that the two of you can decide on together. I personally think most people prefer spontaneous dates, but there's no reason you can't "plan" to be spontaneous (I do this A LOT). By this I mean have a plan for what you'd like to do, but keep it to yourself so that any activities don't come across as being overly planned or rigid. Now as for intentions, yeah they can be pretty vague, and I can't help you with that one since I'm kind of clueless on it as well lol!.

And I know that plenty of people will disagree with me on this point, but I'd suggest trying online dating also. I know that if it wasn't for online dating, I wouldn't have had nearly the same opportunity nor the ability to really practice and learn about dating and all that goes with it. It does have it's drawbacks for sure, but it at least gets you in contact with people you wouldn't have otherwise met. And the #1 thing that I like about it above all else is that the intentions of everyone on those sites is clear: to find someone to date. So you don't have as much grey area in that regard.

The funny thing is people suggest online dating. Suprisingly, my greatest successes in landing women in bed has brought me to meet people in person without using online dating. Meetup.com and mutual friends were the reasons why. I remember I was usually more of an in between extrovert and introvert. I find myself feeding off the positive energy of others in conversations. Sometimes reading the cues are exhausting to me though, but other than that, I rely on my strengths and try to improve my weaknesses. It will take practice, but you have to push forward no matter how hard others try and pin you down. You will likely learn acceptable boundaries along the way and what kind of behaviours you will and will not put up with.

Some on here might notice that I am a good writer and that has brought me interest from people in online dating as well. I would suggest pracitcing your writing skills for that particular forum as well. Right now I appear to have the interest of three different girls, one of which happens to be in a relationship with someone else.

Get more girls.

i can relate

I could get the girl but i hated the process - therefore girls i did get i lost interest in

The hardest thing is to deal with wanting and getting

Its easy to want when you are not getting but what about when you are?

Appreciation and acceptance are SKILLS. You them and watch the numbers roll in.