Kindness automatically means I want sex?????

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I'm a pretty kind/helpful person on average, I mean, I have my moments which are pretty bad when they happen, but usually kind. I'm not sure if anyone else has this issue, but when I'm kind to the opposite sex, it seems to mean to them that I want to HAVE sex, which is not true at all. I don't know where this is "rule" written down at, but it seems like everyone knows this except me. I say when I'm kind/ polite/ whatever, girls take it as I'm interested, then they are Really disappointed when they find out i'm not. This typically KILLS the relationship with that person and In a setting like work for example, that's not a good thing at all.

Oh, and when they do find out I'm not interested like that, I get put in the maybe I'm an undercover homosexual category and that couldn't be any further from the truth. Now I'm not saying there's a problem with being homosexual at all, everyone has the right to be happy, That's just not me.

Now, do I act like a jerk or how do I approach this? Please tell me someone has an answer to this recurring problem, I would really appreciate it. I have enough social problems as it is, this is like a feather in the cap.

How do you know that's what the women are thinking? Or is it just your perception?

I would never assume a man wants to have sex with me, based exclusively on his kindness towards me.

Are you insecure?

Just tell them "I'm nice to everyone I encounter, lalalalala, I hold the door open for women AND men".

This is true on a sliding scale based on "how hot the woman is".

Its true that it may just be who you are but the ego of the very attractive woman is massive! However in 95% of cases they are still probably right. They just dont spot the 5.

This.

Thing is, some people run into a catch-22 like the TC.

We live in a world that has become very self-centered. I think it’s hard for some people to except kindness for kindness sake without thinking there is an alterative motive.

Could be perception, but its happen enough time's that I can kinda tell the signs. For instance, at first when I'm nice/polite everything is great; They actually try to make themselves "available" to me, but I don't know how to deal with that, so I just continue being me. After a while they Figure out I'm not interested like that, then that's when the relationship go's sour... I can't see it, But I can feel it; its really hard to explain, and probably even hard to grasp, but it is what it is. There have also been instances where out of the blue, somehow it comes up, someone will say "oh no, you know Brandon's gay right?", And I'm sitting there Like NO, why do you say that???? I am then told the reason why. So, that's how I know.

I wouldn't expect a female on this website to assume that To be honest; It's more of the "Mainstream" females that assume this.

I'm not really sure what you mean exactly by insecure (Looks? gender? Emotionally? All of the above???), but although I was pretty insecure at one point, That is a thing of the past. In fact, I am VERY confident now to the point where people hate on me for it ALL the time (That's a different topic for a latter date though). I'm one of those people who when I walk into a room, or speak in a conversation, everyone immediately notices ( I'm sure some can relate), even though that's not really what I'm looking for. I actually prefer to fly under the radar, I'm just very confident in who I am and my different-ness (not a real word, feel free to burn me at the stake):D

Ok, now that that's out of the way, Do you have any solutions?

I thought this might be the case, but wasn't sure. Its a shame really.

That's a nice and simple solution, but usually its a little too late at that point. Once they have the notion that you "may be" homosexual, it's really hard to shake. Thanks.

Last edited by Phenom on 25 Jan 2013, 6:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

this used to happen to a guy i worked with at my last job. for example, when taking coffee orders from fellow staff members, he walked up to one woman and asked what she wanted:

HIM: "what can i get you from next door? i am doing a coffee run."
HER: "oh, nothing for me."
HIM: "it's no trouble, look i am going right away, what can i get you?"
HER: "i am not comfortable when you buy stuff for me."
HIM: "no no no i am buying coffee for allllllll the peoples on staffffff, not just youuuuuu!! !! !" :/

he was good looking according to the women on staff and he appeared single (very long-distance relationship, never mentioned girlfriend). it was usually the younger women who assumed his intentions, because the older women didn't care (i.e. they'd not jump to any conclusions because they knew how to handle these situations with a bit more finesse from experience, or perhaps they'd be more flattered than outright worried).

he got to the point where he swore off having any female friends at all! so, uhhhhhh i don't actually know what to advise. maybe mention your girlfriend a lot in conversation?

This crap happens to me so much that I can't even fathom HOW it can happen this much. Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to deal with it.

I’m sorry, I misunderstood you. Your problem seems to be girls are interested in having relations with you and are turned off when they figure out your not interested in that way. I have never encountered that before that is an interesting predicament.

I asked my bf about men being nice to women and as a general rule, if he's nice to everyone, then he's just being nice.

If the women don't notice that you're being nice to everyone then they are jumping to conclusions.

Woah okay after reading this, I think that these women are actually hitting on you. They notice that you are friendly and single and show interest. When you don't show interest back, either they accept that you are not interested in them or they say that you are gay. Obviously they don't want a blow to their ego so they choose the other option.

Are they hitting on you?

Don't be too nice.

It typically is the younger girls, so your spot on with that. I don't really have a "girlfriend" at the moment, and I would feel very uncomfortable lying, but this may be the one time I make an exception; because it's an awful experience to go through, especially being a male. Eventually it spreads like wildfire and sooner or later everyone thinks this, then I find myself being "challenged" and I have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad temper, so its not in their best interest. Plus, I try to avoid confrontation whenever I can.

And to you Hyksos55, it not about them being turned off; I couldn't careless. I think your missing the point, it's more about them putting me into the homosexual category, as well as them having some type of problem with me like I took advantage of them or something.

what do you mean by "too nice"? I'm just being a genuine, kind, polite person. You make it seem like there is a problem with that and I should be running around acting like a jerk like most people.

All I know is everything is great, then all of a sudden, they don't like me and then I'm a homosexual. I don't change either...

From what you are saying, then it sounds to me like they are hitting on you. Also from your picture. Not a bad situation to be in, but you just don't recognize their signals, right?

As for solutions, I'd say just joke about it or just let it go. If you let it get to you then they will think that you are trying to hide something, whereas if you don't let it seem like it bothers you then they will think that you are confident and self-assured.

You could say that you are complimented, but are sorry to disappoint them. You just haven't found the right someone yet. (Or just flirt with the women if you are comfortable. That would keep them quiet )

Nice Answer Deltafuntion!

But yeah, Trouble distinguishing kindness from flirting, to the point where I probably piss some girls off, but it can't be helped. With guy's its straight forward, there isn't any "tension" of that kind, so its a much easier interaction.

Thanks, Will try that ASAP! DamnI love this forum!

I'm a girl, and I'm guilty of this reaction sometimes. I was out walking one Saturday night, really upset about a lot of things, so I was crying. This guy came up to me and said, "Hey, are you okay?" My mind immediately flashed: "He's thinking, crying girl = easy lay", so I yelled at him and ran away. Part of it was the fact that it was a party night, and I have the opinion (probably not accurate in 100% of cases, but probably right in a lot of cases) that guys who go out on party nights only want girls for sex. Part of it was that I just have a very low opinion of guys, and have trouble imagining them being kind to a girl, particularly a girl like me is who is plain and awkward, unless they wanted to sleep with her. This is partly my own issue in that I have trouble imagining why anyone would be kind to me, but I think this is an attitude shared by many women, and unfortunately it is often a useful attitude to have because there are a lot of guys out there who will convince a girl they care about her when they only want sex. I have known girls who have been deceived like this, and I'm very wary of it happening to me.