should women hide their feelings?

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i'm really confused about how to handle my feelings when i'm interested in a guy.

if i act uninterested and sleep with the man right away, he won't feel pressured to make a commitment, so he might actually want to on his own volition.
.... on the other hand, he might treat me as a sex object because i didn't communicate any desire for a relationship.

if i make it known that i want a meaningful relationship, the guy feels suffocated and runs for the hills. i don't get it... i don't even act needy. i just respond to his kindness and romantic gestures in a way that shows him i really appreciate it.

what am i supposed to do? is it okay for women to show interest and expect commitment?
one of my exes told me to be better at playing hard to get.... it just doesn't feel natural to hide all of my feelings to manipulate my crush into thinking i'm unattainable.

i don't say "i love you" or anything over-the-top.... i'm just honest. god damn it...

Maybe don't hide your feelings, as much as have a very slow reveal. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone, and if you dump all these expectations on their lap off the bat they're going to run. Try to enjoy the journey instead.

to the OP- you are laudibly real but struggling in an unreal social world. make your own world, hopefully with the best man/person you can find to share it with.

I think this is a good explanation.

Male aspies don't have the same problem, because they are stuck with the unenviable social position of being expected to pursue. We simply hang out & have to figure out what to do when others pursue us. It is confounding. It is problematic. Sometimes, it is even dangerous. I'm not saying it's a cakewalk.

I am the same way & completely identify with what you wrote. If I like somebody, I like them. I'm not confused. I think a lot of females with Asperger's are in the same boat, because we're very observant & know what we want. We're great analyzers, so it's no big mystery to us.

If you like someone & have reasonably good self-esteem, why not just tell the guy? It's the logical thing to do. Plus, he seems confused, & you want to solve the problem & un-confuse him, because it doesn't seem right not to.

HOWEVER, it never goes well.

Disclaimer: (Talking about male NT's here, because I never had the luxury of dating an aspie. ;))

In fact, it doesn't matter how evolved a guy seems or how intelligent he is. It doesn't matter if he's asked you out already or brought you chocolates. If you admit you like him too fast, you are toast. He doesn't think, "Wow! This girl is such a genius that she assessed my strengths & weaknesses superfast & sees how awesome I am." Most people don't assess quickly, so he probably thinks there is no way you know what you think of him that quickly. His first thought will probably be that you are desperate & like him because you can't get anyone else.

On the other hand, the guys I have zero interest in go completely nuts for me. It doesn't matter how many times I say no, they will harass & beg for dates. If I finally give in & go on a date to try to be open-minded... it's begging for the next date or to go out... The problem is, it isn't an act. I really don't like them. It's like guys really, really like girls who aren't into them.

That's the conundrum of not playing games.

I'm not saying I haven't had great relationships, but they've almost all been with women. What I like about women is they aren't gamey. & they LOVE to be loved, liked or crushed on. So, you can just say what you think or feel & the biggest danger is they'll want to move in with you too fast! Hope that isn't too much information. But, I think it's interesting that the two genders are so opposite on this.

Personally, I can't stoop to playing the game, because I cannot both play the game and also respect the man. And, why would I love someone I can't respect? It doesn't even make sense. If I have to play reverse psychology to manipulate someone into loving me, I cannot make myself love him. I will always seem him as inferior. So, either I can love him, or he can love me. Or, maybe someday I will find the right person who doesn't play games either... & if it's a man, someone sharp enough to acknowledge my merits without me having to put on some stupid act.

However, if you want to be seen as a good catch, you do have to slowly reveal how you feel- just like the other person said. Here's something to consider as well. Some female aspies may be more quick to commit, because we are more comfortable with definitions, perimeters & rules. Dating is fuzzy, uncomfortable ground & it would be cool to skip to a more relaxed & predictable sort of relationship. It is way less scary, in a way, to just be going out already. For guys, though, I think that part can be the scary part & they have to get their feet wet very, very slowly. It's too much of a shock to jump in like that for most of them. What may be doable for you is to focus on slowing down THAT part. Perhaps think about how slower relationships are healthier... & why it is wise to get to know each other better... You may be able to do this whole thing without lying at all. I know I'm naturally slow to commit & people do seem to seek relationships more aggressively because of it.

However, you have to think about your priorities in life & what you really want. I know I am too proud & can't compromise. Except, I am happy alone. I'm happy either way, so I can take or leave a relationship. There's no question of whether or not to compromise my principles, because even if I could, I don't have to. Also, women are an option for me, so I'm not really stuck on that road.

I don't judge others for playing the game, because of how unsuccessful I've been with men by not playing it! haha I just know it isn't for me.

But what do you believe about human nature? What do you believe about men? What do you find to be true? What does your experience tell you? What is the reality & what is the best you can do with it?

Can you compromise a little or slow down to try to have the kind of relationship you want? Are you able to? Would it damage your self-esteem or relationship with your self if you did?

I have thought a lot about this whole phenomenon.

The usual explanation is a biological one... men have different drives & such, yadda yadda. I'm sure you've heard it. I've done a lot of talking to people trying to figure this out... & I like to think there is another reason. BECAUSE, if I marry someone, I want to marry someone of the same species as me. I don't want to marry someone who is solely driven by biology... like a bull, a dog... a lizard.... I want to be with someone who can think.... a human being, not an animal. I just can't believe that men are incapable of being human! They're human by definition! There is a brain in there, & I have an unshakeable faith that the brain could be utilized instead of this whole mess being solely the result of old primal Cro-Mag type drives. Biology generally makes sense, and this doesn't. It cannot possibly be that no man ever uses logic in this area. I just can't believe it. I know there have to be some male Spock-like creatures out there.

My idea is that biology is an excuse, but not the real reason people act this way. And so, I talked to a lot of NT's... women... men... lots of people really. I just asked why they did this & why they thought other people did. Their answers really didn't have much to do with biology at all, but it always came down to self-esteem & social perceptions, generally worked out on a subconscious level that they didn't even understand until after quite a lot of talking.

I intend no offense if I am wrong, because I know there are exceptions, but this is my working theory. Honestly, I only know one male with Asperger's & would never talk about this kind of thing with him. I'm pretty sure he'd be mortified. I like to think at least some males with Asperger's might show a superior trait here, but I don't know.

It seems to me that the majority of men have very low self-esteem. If you do not provide them with a "chase," then your belief they are worthy of you renders you unworthy to them. They WANT to prove themselves to you, to demonstrate they are worthy of your time. That's why they might talk about a bunch of weird stuff you don't care about, like how much money they make, what kind of car they drive, how important everybody thinks they are at their offices, or that they used to date a model. They very much want you to not like them at first so they can talk about themselves a lot... Then, you like them for something they've achieved perhaps instead of for their personality or character. And, they seem to prefer this. They want you to not like them & go for guys who they think are above them physically, economically, intellectually, etc. so that winning you is this HUGE accomplishment, too. Then, you are more of a prize, maybe. And, then, your presence in his life can be more of a boost to this failing self-esteem he has. (Remember, NT's often get their self-esteem from without instead of within! I don't know why, but they do.)

I had an NT friend... a major extravert... explain to me that I live in a different degree of consciousness than most people do, that there isn't a subconscious in me at all (which is true). I know what I know. I do what I do. I know why I do what I do. He explains it like this... NT's usually have NO idea why they are doing what they are doing or why they feel a certain way... So, they kind of just react to their stimuli by instinct, maybe... not even intuitively, really. They don't even know if or why they like you... But lots of NT guys are interested enough in sex to romance you to some extent either way, just to see what will happen. During this period, you are supposed to get them to subconsciously like you by somehow playing hard to get without completely losing interest in them. Please let me know if you figure that one out! haha

IMPORTANT: If you are physical, there's a double standard, so if you want someone to care about you, please don't go there for a very, very, very long time & make sure there's some kind of commitment. It doesn't matter what someone says. People lie a lot. Just wait! :)




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I wouldn't ever sleep with him too quickly.

If you don't want a commitment, he will write you off as 'easy.'

If you do want a commitment, he will be very confused because your actions just told him you only wanted sex. Also, he will write you off as 'easy' - all men deep down want to know they are special to you and that you can be trusted not to hop into bed with other men. To most men, if you hopped into bed quickly with him then you will hop into bed quickly with every other man the rest of your life.

Long story short, take it slowly.

Popsicle is DEAD on. It is very difficult, because the assumptions being made about you aren't logical. So, you have to follow the way of the world instead of the world of logic if you want to succeed in this.

If you want a relationship, then aim for a relationship. You can't rely on someone you needed to bait and manipulate into their position to fill that position reliably, so I figure we might as well take the long route for something of value or stop complaining when what we got from the bargain bin breaks, leaks, or anything else unpleasant.

A minority of people develop feelings slowly and many simply don't like to settle on choices quickly because they can't stop the "what ifs." Having someone with significantly stronger feelings and plans for the future than you that you don't feel capable of returning is uncomfortable.

I would say to look for people who seem to have more in common with you on a values and personality level, because that's more likely to pair you with people who work the same way.

I agree with most of your post, but I strongly disagree here.
I have experienced completely the opposite.

I have experienced in general, that the average NT man is much more AS when it comes to emotions and romance than the average NT woman.
There are guys that LOVE to play games, but they are the minority and are the player types who don't want to have a meaningful relation anyway.
The guys that do want one, are much less likely to play games. Sometimes we do, because it's the girls who have to make everything much more complicated than it is.

There are all kind of tests, trick questions and metamessage forms of communication that NT men turn from just as much. I have experienced that the vast majority of women (at least, straight women) who don't play around like that are AS.

Never trust a female.

I love to be wrong. You are absolutely right about this. First of all, I'm about 36. I live in an area where the values are slightly askew to begin with... I am constantly approached by these player types, both married & unmarried, but it is ridiculous for me to assume there are so many of them. There is a whole separate and non-vocal population of good guys that are probably at home or with their families or girlfriends or doing something interesting. I just have been dealing with this so much that my perspective is becoming warped.

My experience with NT guys is still that they do play "the big game," even really nice guys. I don't know why. The big game, I mean, is trying to have sex with a female but often judging said female if she consents. I don't understand how that doesn't count as a game.

You are right about the trick questions and all of those things. I agree. That is very problematic. I think of that as something they do after a relationship is in place, though, not before it exists. These are all to test your love, though. 9 times out of 10 when I just say, "Is the real point of this conversation to figure out whether or not I love you?" & provide them the reassurance they need, the situation is resolved immediately. What seems like a game, in this case is fear. Try what I said if you run into this. You will probably be amazed with the results.

It also strikes me that you may be right that the kind of women that don't play games may be on the spectrum. Lots of my NT friends, as I think of them, still at least have SPD & read an awful lot & are still introverts. I shouldn't rule out that they aren't Aspies just because they are way better at being social than I am! lol

hehe Don't trust me because I'm female... ;P

BUT, I would say never trust someone of either gender who is insistent upon you trusting them! Usually, people who deserve your trust know it takes a long time to earn it. :)

When it comes to this, there are a lot of girls (mostly teenagers/early twenties) who need to figure out that there are two main types of guys.
The players who just want to get laid, like discussed before.
And the guys who want a meaningful relationship.

For the majority of those guys, there are two types of girls.
The ones that I refer to as "hot", they just feel physical attraction for them, and the ones I call "cute" they also feel emotional attraction for them.

When they just feel physical attraction, they'll just be interested in sex. While they're having fun, they'll be on the lookout for girls they feel emotionally attracted to. And when they meet that girl, they will go for a relationship.
It's just that there are far more girls we just feel physical attraction for, than girls we also feel emotional attraction for.

So it's only fair to assume most guys who approach you also only feel physical attraction, which is what can give many women the idea men only want sex.

Last edited by sixstring on 11 May 2013, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is where I have no clue. The player types, I am pretty clear on. They try right away & that is easy to tell. Plus, they look at you like you are chum when they think you aren't paying attention.

The guys I end up going out with... well, I don't know. It could be that they just don't feel an emotional interest. & I am a little spock-like, so maybe they are less interested for that reason. But, here I have to admit I have no clue what is going on. Like, if they're writing me poetry, do they mean it or is it just flattery... If they bring spend time with my family, is this legitimate or is it only the PUA "boyfriending" technique. If they are pressuring me to be physical before I'm ready, after a commitment, is that the only reason they asked me out? That's the group of guys I just don't really get. I'm not clear as to what lengths guys go when their hearts aren't in it. It's hard with guys, because they lie to you about REALLY STUPID stuff.. so when it comes to important things, when you should be able to ask them & believe what they say, you can't, because they lie about dumb stuff to impress you.

I understand your confusion in such situations.
The best advice I can give is to wait a few months before getting physical. The guys who lie just to get in your pants usually don't have the patience.
A guy who does want a relationship will have strong desires to have sex (our sex drive only increases when we're in love), but will respect her wishes.

Sixstring: Thanks. That's what I was trying to say earlier to the original post, too. :)