I've been a big fella for as long as I can remember, caught flak for it in high school, and the girls in high school f****d with my head quite a bit. Ever since I had trouble expressing desire for the women I've met. There was one who I loved more than anything I ever gad before, but she never set the boundary, took advantage of my kindness, and didn't pay me in kind when I needed her. She wasn't there, and I was tgere for her, and I haven't spoken to her since. After that, I began to spin into a severe depressive episode, although I hadn't realized ir. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I'm not much to look at, but I'm sweet, caring, and kind, but none of that matters to me. I suppose I'm just so used to the idea of being alone and that no girl will have me that I've just given up. I don't even really try anymore. I used to think if I found the right girl it would help fix me a bit, but I don't even know what my damn problem is and I'm not sure if I even want to bother with it. Part of me wants so badly to love someone so completely that I would give my life for theirs. I thought the last girl I "loved" was that one, but it turns out she wasn't. The other part of me just doesn't want to bother, because I live with so much pain already. The problem is that I feel if I don't bother I'll end up like the man in the song "A Most Peculiar Man", by Simon & Garfunkle: an unfriendly man who never speaks to anyone and lives in agony within his mind and ends up destroying himself because he can't deal with it anymore. I fear this very much, but I don't even know how to begin to take a bite out if this mountain of crap
02 Feb 2013, 2:45 am
