When your date can't "read" you...

Post Reply New Topic

I went out on a date with a guy last night. I thought the date was going well enough, and we even had sex back at his place afterward, but later he complained of being unable to "read" me (he said I was the only person he's ever been involved with whom he was unable to read). He also said that I appeared disapproving while we were having sex, which made him feel self-conscious.

I always knew that I needed to improve on my people skills, but now that someone I've dated actually complained about it, it's really starting to bother me. In fact, I wonder if this was one contributing factor toward my ex's abandoning me.

Rest assured, my date otherwise enjoyed my company, and he seems to still be interested in me. I admitted to him that I had Asperger's, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he already knew what it was.

Have y'all ever had a similar situation? How would you attempt to improve your people skills with regards to dates and potential romantic/sexual partners?

My bf said something very similar on our first date, that I was the first person that he could not read. He knew beforehand that I have AS and he is mildly on the spectrum so he knows what having AS means and how that relates, and knew that was why but it was disconcerting to him.

Now after a few months he can read me very well. We have not had sex but we have had a few heavy make out sessions and he will sometimes ask if I am ok as I do not have he same facial expressions and I am less experienced than him (I am a virgin he is not), and he knows that I intend to stay a virgin until I am married.

Mostly I re assure him that I am very ok, that he turns me on, I enjoy what we are doing, etc. also maintaining the energy of the activity and initiating kisses etc and responding passionately to his actions helps soothe his uncertainty.

I do not necessarily. Call this social skill improvement but mutual understanding in finding was to reassure each other about their actions.

I've always had women complain that they couldn't read me. For some, it intrigues them so much that no amount of not answering their calls will get them to actually leave me alone permanently. For others, it has meant that they assumed I was uninterested and so they never went out with me again.

I've often thought normal people almost have an invisible antenna allowing easy, unspoken communication.

Our antenna is bent or broken, making communication direct but difficult...

So you're saying that the more time we spend together, the easier it'll get for him to understand me?

I just have such a hard time expressing my emotions that my date wondered if I was having a good time or not.

I don't know. I actually find that comment kind of creepy. You're really the very first person he's ever met in his whole life that he couldn't tell what was going on inside their heads by their facial expressions/body language? I find that very hard to believe. NTs might be better at body language reading and such but they're not magic.
Also, I really dislike the idea that you would be looking for ways to change yourself to suit him better. You told him you have an ASD and he understands what that means. Why would you need to change anything? He enjoyed your company and you enjoyed his. His self-esteem issues should not become your self-esteem issues.

Because she needs sex, humans are apes.

Why no one gets that?

There's a decent chance he may have worn the "aspie frown" the whole time -- that can put anyone off, including other aspies!

I've had this same comment from several woman. It's not hard for me to believe at all. It seems to really get to the people who are unusually intuitive.

If no one gets it maybe it's not strictly true? Same Family maybe but not same Species? And there's a difference between unemotional mechanical sex and connected intimate sex. One is casual and disposable, the other helps bond a relationship. Two different purposes.



This might be true, but if both parties were physically involved in the process... I don't know. He asked and the OP said all was good (by the initial account) and I tend to believe people. Although maybe that's just me.



People have told me that I'm very hard to read or that they can't tell what I'm thinking/feeling, so I do understand what you mean. I just think it's not something we should be punished for. NTs can be just as hard to read (although maybe for different reasons) and I don't think we should be made to feel that we're deficient because of someone else's insecurities. Trust is an issue in any relationship and I don't think that we should have to carry a heavier burden than anyone else to "prove" our feelings. Maybe the litmus test should be whether or not an NT would be under the same obligation to change?
Sigh. I don't know. The idea of changing for someone else just makes me uncomfortable.

I saw girls going far like changing their beliefs, religion, values, looks ...just so they can stay with the guy.

And it's usually way more common than the other way around.

Apes, you girls are apes!

I don't know if this will help. My current partner has always been very good at 'reading' people. At least he says he is, I have no evidence one way or the other. He is a Bipolar NT who made the commitment to share housing with me and mine and this is a big thing as I have an adult son - more aspie than I am, and an adult bipolar aspie daughter who are still both living at home.

He said I was the first person he couldn't read and that intrigued him. We got together with the hopes that we would both learn to read each other better. It actually seemed to be happening until he moved in and was confronted with three aspies who seem to have a secret radar with each other. Now, he gets a bit frustrated because he can't read any of us, and S & D get frustrated with their inability to read him, AND with his odd (NT) sense of humor. Still, with time, things are getting better. He is helping both me and my son to interact with NTs a bit better, though at 50+I think it may be too late for me.

Just my two cents.

I don't think anyone said it was.

For the record, I'm male.

He may now be aware of my Asperger's, but I don't think it could hurt to make a more sincere effort at being more engaging with him, especially considering the fact it could help me with future dates and other romantic/sexual liaisons.

I'm not trying to change myself, I just want to work on my people skills for those reasons.

We have facial expression - ours is just very minimized compared to normal peoples. The majority of the time our "major" and "obvious" facial expressions will be readable with a lot of practise. But our "minor" and more subtle ones never will be.

He will be able to adapt to your major and obvious facial expressions and moods if given a decent amount of time. But he will never be able to read you the way he would read another NT.

Don't worry I have had people many times tell me they can't read me. I now know the facial expression they have when they can't, and can guess that it's what is bothering them, "You're uncomfortable because you can't read me, aren't you?".

Just write everything about you on your body.