Is love really dependence

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I had an interesting conversation last night with my boyfriend which would be nice to get some input on. While talking about something else, I mentioned how happy it made me that he referred to us as "we." He said, "well, we are a couple." But then he followed that up with, that he was going to be honest and say he wonders sometimes if he has become dependent on me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, the list of of "symptoms" basically could be categorized as: I'm much happier when I'm with you/ you're in my life. He didn't know if this was healthy/ unhealthy, normal, or something to be concerned about.

During our time together, I've noticed that sometimes our definitions of things are the same, but the term is different. In this case, I asked if he felt it was unhealthy (he didn't think so), had he felt like that before (no), could he explain it any further (he couldn't put into words what it felt like, it was a weird feeling). All I could say was that if "dependent" was the word the was thinking, then I was dependent on him because that's how I feel about him--but that I call it feeling love. While I don't need him to make me happy, he does make me happIER. He adds to my life, and brings out the best in me.

A little background: He hasn't had many relationships; however, he was married for quite awhile. It did seem unhealthy, both sides were guilty of verbal abuse, manipulation, and not much understanding. He has never spoken of loving, depending, or major feelings toward his ex. If anything, he "just went along." From what he says, and I do believe him, he settled with her because she pursued him. I think she frustrated him to the point he would blow up. I have not seen anything like this in him. Discussing issues in a relationship is new to him, but he is so good at it. I have never seen him act needy (he had an obsession when he was young, so he would be aware of that). Mostly over the 7 months we've dated, the biggest changes I've noticed has been optimism, more consideration of his actions, and balance. We live separately, but talk almost daily--often for hours, and see one another on weekends, and during the week if schedule allow.

I think he is really struggling to define what this is he's feeling. Certainly, I don't want him feeling he's dependent on me, but I don't want to shove the love word at him, just because that's how it reads to me. It is sometimes difficult to understand feelings which are natural to me, are confusing for him. When we do have issues, he'll ask why I even put up with him. Sometimes the question is valid, sometimes not. But I always say that I love him, accept him, am secure with him, and feel we have something special. When I've asked him something along the similar lines, the response is very similar to mine, except the love word.

I guess I would like some AS perspectives. I have never thought of love as feeling dependent. Yet, if it were not clearly understood, I can see how some of the feelings could be labeled as such. Clearly, dependent is not how I want our relationship to feel, but this is from the same man who worried he was being "aggressive" because he asked me out to eat on Valentine's Day. I didn't find it aggressive at all, instead I thought it was thoughtful. It is important to understand what he's trying to express, but I worry it would be false to define it as love; or, that in doing so, it would only benefit me. Reciprocation, or validation would be nice, but not the goal in this. Most important, how do I help him process what he's feeling? I will see him later this evening, and plan to discuss it a little more. What questions should I ask, or how can I compare it to something easier to understand? Can love and dependence be the same, and how can I define the difference to him? In my head, dependence is not a choice. Yet, we both choose to let each other in our lives, to accept each other, talk through issues, to try to understand, and choose to give. Maybe I just have scared myself thinking I've done something wrong where he would think he's dependent on me?

Sorry for the long post.

It depends...

The reality is everyone is dependent on others to some extent. It is very rare to have some totally independent, and most people who are called that, would be better called dependent, but in control. They need people, but are able to get things done. Truly independent people don't need people, but it it can be quite limited unless you are are a pure survival expert.

I think he is just scared from past experiences, and needs to take things slow. Honesty from personal experience, people like us can be too black and white about these things. That is true of those with social intuition, but that is purely what they say and think, their inherent behavior can run counter to this. This is why you can't just take what people say purely at face value. It is not something they are aware of anyway, these things happen to fast for people to consider. That is why I use different approach, using skills not weaknesses to my advantage. Their intuition guides them even if their thoughts don't always, I use my analysis and knowledge to work out how we can both benefit, and don't get in over my head in situations that don't suit.

It was an important lesson to me that you don't truly know is someone is a good friend or a true love, or especially if they feel the same way until it is totally obvious. It is hard for some people the accept, but it is OK not to know for sure. No reason to be fatalistic about it.

When is love, love? As much as people don't like to admit it is subjective. Love is an expression of a feeling, a feeling that its not even the same when it starts compared to when it becomes habitual.

Me personally I prefer to spend about 10-20% of my time around people. Yes that even means work I'm self employed, I have to deal with clients through emails, and little Skype but that is about it during weekdays. Sure may be self-absorbed but who isn't? Even dependent people.

I don't appear like a loner at all, I'm pretty adept at acting confident when needs be. I used to be reclusive and introverted but I've come an long way. However as I'm getting the positive sides of socializing without now it being draining and stressful its all good now. I don't get lonely in the conventional sense (even though I used to think I was missing out), but I do get some benefit out of relationships, just not at the same intensity as is typical.

So I'd prefer a relationship that fits those requirement. Conventional relationships are not like that but I wouldn't want that type of relationship. I would want someone, and has interests to occupy them much of the time, and a free thinker. I don't believe in the whole joint bank accounts, etc. I'd don't think I want to be living together predominately. Of course would compromise with staying over, if it is more serious, but I would want to spend part/much of my week alone. I wouldn't speak every day for hours. But I would want to spend quality time, and would make time for that. I do understand reciprocation, and enjoy reciprocation. I didn't really understand reciprocation as a youngster. Especially keeping in touch.

Despite this I would be monogamous, and am not a cad.

I do get an awful lot out of my friendships even thought I don't see them that often. It is like a big hit, and it endures for a long time.

Honestly, it a spectrum he could actually be a more dependent. Most of the people in this section are at least trying to have conventional relationships. Part because the think they aught to and also because of naivety.

About experience and perception: Assuming we are both not colour blind and have the same visual range, we can both distinguish the colour red and identify and even agree on it.

That doesn't mean to say we experience it the same way, what may be red to me may look like blue if you 'saw' it through my perception (I can distinguish blue form red). However we are sharing the experience, we we identify something similar in a relative sense. Red is red, we can see it and point it out.

Same is true of emotions like love, there a shared experience, even joined up biochemistry, body language, etc. But how is is actually perceived is very individual.

Some people have little or not frame of reference and are not really that sure about what it is they are experiencing, and it can get mixed up with other emotions (bit like colour blindness). They need time to work out how to use other forms of perception to compensate.

I do understand about experiencing things differently. I cannot even to try to match exactly my feelings with his. I do like a reference point to that it can be discussed, so it lends a familiarity I can approach. His describing it as dependence does give insight. The fact he was confused makes me want to help him work through it. The other part is that the very term makes me feel awkward--it's been put in my brain my whole life that dependence is a bad thing. Perhaps no different than when I use the word love (which is used very sparingly), because he might feel uncertain exactly what I mean.

I feel sometimes like we have separate dictionaries for the same language. However, since I had the eureka moment when I figured that out early on, it has made life a lot easier on both of us. I'm not worried he's scared, as he doesn't seem to be. He seems to struggle processing good feelings more so than very strong negative ones.

You saying he experiences emotional block, lack of feeling?

This is extremely common, there isn't anything you can do specifically, except not judge and wait for him reconcile his desires through another means.

Love is co-dependence - companionship. Humans just aren't meant to spend forever alone - some of us do it better than others... but basically what I have to say is that love and relationships are co-dependent.

0_equals_true, this sentence:


You saying he experiences emotional block, lack of feeling?

This is extremely common, there isn't anything you can do specifically, except not judge and wait for him reconcile his desires through another means

Why dod you say it's common? I ask this specifically because I know a guy who says he has no feelings, he thinks love is the cause of all ills and I am sure, up to a certain extent, that he is blocking.

Why does it happen? How would you think someone would reconcile this through another means?

This is probably what I was thinking as well, just was trying to put into words for him. The fact that he wondered if he should be concerned, as should be expected when "dependence" is mentioned about anything, made me want to help him work through what he was feeling. He's never had an adult relationship that has been positive and unselfish.

I don't think he has a lack of feeling, or emotional block. It just sounded like he couldn't categorize the feelings, so dependent was the closest he could get. Judging him would not even be in my nature, and he brings out the most patient side of me. This may be something I can't help him with, figuring out what this indescribable emotion is. I just don't want him to worry that his attachment is abnormal, when there haven't been any signs. By allowing me in his life, and expressing how happy he is that I am, there has been a lot of trust given to me. And vice versa: I've put faith in him, making him a part of mine, and showing how much that means. He has deserved all the attention I give to him, and it would be wonderful if eventually he could realize it's not me that makes him feel whatever way he's feeling-it's the way we make each other feel.

Am I on the right track? Can someone unfamiliar with a healthy, adult relationship, expressing the emotions and feelings I call love, express the same things as dependence? If something is truly new, or unknown, I describe it as something I am familiar with--I've just never had to do it emotionally until meeting him and trying to explain some things to him. Has anyone ever experienced something similar, or been so overwhelmed that they shut down (this hasn't happened, but is a concern). Is there another, possibly less powerful term besides love or dependence that might assist him to process this? Thanks!

Categorizing feelings is subjective. People like categorizing different things, and have differing categorizing abilities.

Anyway, this is the sort of thread where you are basically answering yourself, which is fine as long as you are content and not in defensive mode. People sometime ask questions they don't really want answered. On the other hand you are there, you know the relationship better than us. Such a process is therefore roughly equivalent to talk therapy.

Sometimes it cause by mental illness like depression. or if you have differing neurology. I actually meant common on the spectrum. I'm sorry if that was misleading. I believe it will have something to do with the frontal lobe and the centre, but that is just theory.

Hmmmmm. Hands down: love is dependence and need and sacrifice.