Coping with this fear...

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No matter how many dates I go on with someone I've never met before, I cannot shake this great fear of mine that when she sees me, I'm going to disappoint her. That she'll have expectations, and I'll never hope to fulfill them.

I just feel so lowly. I mean, before a date, when able, I like to read about that person if they have a facebook page, mainly to get a sense of politics and religion (if any) so I make sure I don't say the wrong thing and make a good impression. And I always see so many photos of these people hanging out with these cool friends, and I think,

"I won't measure up to this? I'll never fit in with her friends, and what could she possible see in me?" My clothes aren't hip, but it's what I like, and who I am. My body is awkward in every way...I'm too thin in some areas, and too fat in others, and I see myself in the mirror and feel such self hate for not being a better, more loveable person.

I have a date coming up this weekend with a new girl, and I'm praying every night that something will come of this, and the loneliness will be gone for at least a while.

But at the same time, I just know I'll disappoint her. I know she can do better.

That's a difficult mindset to endure and I've felt that way in the past. Luckily, there is a relatively simple cure for everything you described that has worked tremendously for me in the past twelve months and that's to hit the gym (or home gym, in my case)! I know you're probably in incredible cardiovascular health from your running, but I would highly recommend going to bodybuilding.com, researching diet (you've got to eat more to gain muscle) and workout plans and absolutely dedicating, without even the slightest chance of failure, 12 weeks to it. I guarantee, that after the 12 week program, you'll be so blown away with the results (seriously...) that you'll be hooked. I was always the skinny guy in school; relatively fit but not in shape, so when I've met up with or ran into old high school or college acquaintances, they've been blown away by the transformation in my physique and, consequently, I've far exceeded any expectations they may have had. The best part is, it's not superficial either; you'll have infinitely more confidence, you will feel incredibly good and in my opinion, girls seem far more apt to forgive quirks and fashion sense, when you are clearly dedicated to being healthy and fit. Ack, it sounds like I'm an infomercial, trying to sell you a product, but lifting weights and gaining muscle was a guaranteed way for me to overcome the exact same confidence issues. Anyway, I'm rooting for you, man!

Last edited by windtreeman on 07 Feb 2013, 6:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

His self esteem problems go beyond mere body issues.......

Brian, you need to stop this self-depreciating attitude. You're sabotaging yourself before you even meet the girl. You have made many threads just like this one in the last few months.

I was exactly where you were a a year ago. I was newly diagnosed, single and clueless, my best friends were moving away, I was very lonely.......However, I also was fully independent, financially stable with a good job, wicked smart and pretty damn handsome. As soon as I began to recognize the good qualities in myself and became more confident with who I was as a person I started having way more luck. I've been with several woman in the last 3 months and have now gotten to the point where I'm consitantly the one being choosey and playing heartbreaker. Yesterday I fooled around with one of the girls who had rejected me earlier in the year and she openly told me that she changed her mind about me because of my new attitude.

I have a lot going for me and based on what you've posted before, you have a lot going for you. Sure, you may not be as awesome as I am (nobody is, sorry ) but you're young, good looking, intelligent, successful and driven there's nothing that's holding you back but you're attitude. Go on your dates, enjoy yourself and don't act like it's going to be the end of the world when you get rejected by this next girl.

If you don't learn to love yourself, no woman is ever going to love you........Sorry, but it's true.

Last edited by Geekonychus on 07 Feb 2013, 5:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Give me someone like Windtreeman over Geekonuchus *anytime*.

Posting that you slept with 6 women in the past 3 months and gloating you are now a heartbreaker, makes you as vile as those who treated you that same way, before your "confidence" boost.

I agree that a person that makes themselves look better, will exude more confidence which consequently will actually make them *feel* better. However the purpose for which you achieved this, was imo, distasteful.

What the hell do you know about my purpose? You're making a lot of presumptuous judgments and shoving outdated morals down my throat.

The goal is to find a relationship, not to sleep with as many woman as possible but having some physical intimacy along the way is part of that discovery. I've always been completely up front with every girl I've been with and saying I'm not ready to settle down and be exclusive. We live in the 21st century where people are allowed to be sexually liberated, by the way.

Nobody was ever "vile" to me for the record (these so called "nice guys" need to get over their s**t.) Every girl that rejects someone who wants to be with them is technically a "heartbreaker" but does that make them vile? If I turn someone down it's painful and I feel guilty but that's my current paradigm. If I have the means and ability to play the field and choose a partner (rather than settle for the 1st person who shows me affection as the OP seems to set on doing) I'm going to do that. I shouldn't feel guilty any more than any woman who does the same to a guy. Life isn't easy.....love even less so.

Last edited by Geekonychus on 07 Feb 2013, 9:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I will agree that physical fitness will give you confidence, but only in your body and give little confidence in your mind. You need to look elsewhere to change how your mind works about dating. You can invest all the time in the world on your appearance but it still won't change how you mind works at its core. I have seen some physically fit people who were still insecure when it came to dating and I was one of them as well.
I personally invested time in to self-help books that helped clear my mind and these books did involve spiritual enlightenment. After a couple months, my mind is drastically different and I have gone from beleiving the same way of myself as the OP does to now being able to believe in me. I am also able to see the world around me for what it is and I find myself enjoying my time alone to myself when I have it compared to doing nothing and wallowing around in self-pity and questioning "Why don't people like me?" I was able to let go of the past, let go of bad feelings for others and just move on.
This fear you speak of is just that... fear. It clearly casts a shadow of self-doubt over yourself and your ability to do what you want to do. Get rid of this shadow and you will then grow. At that point, you will not worry about what supposed nerve you will hit with others. After all, and I am sure I have said this in other threads on this site... their problem is theirs and you don't need to make it your problem as well. This doesn't mean you should avoid such people altogether.

Right now I am dating one girl and things are going well there. I have another female friend whom I talk to a lot and she has a bf. We had an unexpected moment earlier in the week and that's what it will be.... an unexpected moment (no sex involved). I got this friend opening up to me about her bf and I am pretty much in the friends territory with her as that is where I want to be. I want to be in the dating territory with the other and that is where I am. I have had no fear in connecting with these two as that is exactly what I am looking for more than anything. My previous fears didn't allow any connecting with anyone and that usually frustrated others to the point that they would walk away and leave me behind.