I don't want to be loved

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It feels awkward, possibly because I'm convinced I do not deserve it. However, I suffer very much when I am unable to express my love myself. Feels like a limb being forcefully amputated.

I was going to ask if this was an autistic thing (you know, the usual), but I think the phenomenon of autism essentially has this 'problem' as part of the notion. So what I'm going to ask instead is if anybody else can relate to this.

I used to feel that way. I still have those tendencies. I think it has to do with avoidant personality disorder or traits of it.

Maybe you need to be loved in a way that works with your personality.

I would describe myself as thinking I want to be loved, but at the same time, if it comes along, I run a mile, when I get it I realise I do not want to be loved at all, it feels like some sort of perversion to me.

I have been diagnosed as suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder, I would think more a result of my abusive and neglectful childhood than autism, but then again I think my autistic traits are a result of my childhood as well, so maybe they are related?

Two things:
1) Why are you convinced you don't deserve it? Such a strong word for someone who wants to express it.
2) It feels awkward. Love is love and it's up to you to communicate what makes you comfortable. When love is in front of you, s/he will respect your boundaries and love you unconditionally. It may be harder for you to find that ideal person, since many people love to give a certain level of affection, but there's someone out there for everyone.

Your title should read:
"I don't want to be loved in [a certain way]."

- or better yet -

"I want to be loved by [fill in the blank]."