the longer I live alone, the more I lose my mind.

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well, I have a serious problem. I can't even talk to my therapist about it. I don't really think she's trustworthy enough to hear it. I have lived alone long enough, that my mind has become increasingly uncontrollable.
it's pretty much all due to loneliness and the pain I feel in my heart. it's made me do all manner of things I'm not proud of. I wish I could change it, but I know there's no going back for me.
anyway, I thought I had a girlfriend once, but as it turned out, despite my feelings, and the fact that I did a lot for her, she really wasn't a girlfriend. she was the kind of so called "person" who just used me for some form of selfish gain. Although to be honest I don't know what that was. Let's just say I hope I never see her again, it won't end well if I do. the other thing is, even before all this, I knew my mind was pretty messed up, but I figured it was something I could control, I thought I wouldn't have to go much longer alone, so naturally, I thought it would all go away and I'd never have to deal with such issues. sadly, due to the fact that despite everything I've tried, to bring an end to my suffering, nothing has worked. I went to a lot of different programs, I've been to every community event in the town where I live. yet, I'm still all alone, haven't met anyone yet. so, of course, my mind falls deeper into the darkness. and the pain becomes ever stronger. then I lose all control, and one of two things happens, either I freak out to vent all my frustrations, or I become involved with bad things. whichever comes first. and then, after going through all that, I start to wish I would just die in my sleep. I don't have the nerve to kill myself, so there are times when I hope for death to meet me while I sleep. I mean, I don't want to die, but it feels like the only way out...

I don't know what to do anymore, I know I am destined only to suffer through this unbearable feeling that something very important in my life is missing. And I know exactly what is missing...
and then during my sleep, comes the time when I dream about my imaginary girlfriend, her name is Lola Viola Violet, I guess the name just popped into my head one day in I think it was all the way back in middle school. when I first drew a picture of this really pretty girl, I instantly fell in love. ever since then, she's been the focus of all my dreams and daily thoughts. I try not to think if her as my "creation' even though I'm the one who first brought her into some form of existence, with that first drawing. I don't have that drawing anymore, but I have more updated drawings. with each one Lola seems to become more real to me. and it got to the point where I strongly feel she exist, at least within the totally bizarre world of my mind. I'm kinda obsessed with her, but at the same time, she's kinda obsessed with me! I guess since she first appeared in my mind, Lola and I have pretty much grown up together. but here's where it gets really weird, in my mind, I see her interact with others. those others, are her friends and family. and it only makes me wonder, just how real and lifelike is this figment of my imagination? I love her, she loves me, but it gets even weirder... I have many imaginary friends, I've lived with most of them since middle school, maybe even before then. sometimes I am torn between two of them, and... it's just too complicated to put all of it into one post. I hope I explained it well enough. I just don't know who to talk to anymore...

I can feel a lot of what you're going through. it didn't do me any good to go places and do things either, nobody would take a shine to me either. so I just said to hell with it and stayed home, as my own company is the best company for me. that, and the good people I've met on wrong planet, including one who went through the trouble of visiting me in any case, I suspect you are much younger than me, and so you have so much more time left ahead of you for things to change. sometimes it takes a major change of scenery for things to happen, it is possible to live in the wrong part of the country or even the wrong part of the world.

I've felt that way before, especially when I was younger. I lived with a houseful of people, but felt very lonely and lost in the midst of it. My imagination tends to run more vaguely, but I would imagine someone who would listen and talk with me, or just hold me and believe I was a special person.

Do what you can to get out when you can, and talk to other people. When/if you're ready, talk to your therapist about it. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think.

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. When you are alone sometimes your fantasy life can get the best of you. I'm guessing you may not be able to trust your psychiatrist with this for fear that they may write you off as being completely off your rocker with something a lot more serious than you are prepared to handle?

Sometimes when people are extremely lonely with vivid imaginations it becomes like that one movie with Tom Hanks where he's lost to sea and makes a volleyball into a friend to cope with his extreme loneliness and the f****d up predicament he's in. In some ways you're in a similar situation.

I really don't have any advice on approaching this topic with a psychologist. I think I'd be afraid to bring it up as well. You don't want to end up on some medical ride that may not be appropriate for you and make things much worse. hmmm this is really a tough call since I know a lot of professionals are pill happy and are all too willing to put people on harmful anti-psychotics which end up basically ruining them.

I went to a lecture on Aspergers and learned that having a fantasy life and even imaginary friends is something that many Aspies have. I think you would have to test their sensitivity and knowledge about this aspect before you attempt to bring up what you are experiencing somehow. I would ask questions first I suppose.

So you've already been down that road. Those pills are a Motherf***er. I've heard lots of stories. I've been down the road before with anti-depressants and that s**t f****d me up.

If you inherently just distrust this person for whatever reason it may be wise to find someone else.

If you wanted to test them out I guess you could ask them what they know about ASD or Aspergers or what have you. You could ask them about how much experience they have in dealing with your particular diagnosis. You could even say something like you were on a site or something and found out about the fantasy life / imaginary friend aspect and would like to know more about it. If their answers and sensitivity seems legit you could choose to tell them that you experience that, but just wanted to learn more. I don't really see the need to go into every detail at the onset, but you could explain some and leave more specific details for future sessions.

I would definitely tell them if the pills are making you worse and even sick.

When I was going through the whole pill thing my mind was like a drainer. I had a hard time holding onto any kind of info. and I was just spaced out. Maybe you could write down on paper some questions. For f**k sakes these people are being paid for services you might as well interview them before you "hire" them, so to speak. lol

transformingcar, from you last post you may not want me to answer here. If you ask, I will bow out and reply to you no more.

Having a rich fantasy life is not an issue unless it interferes with reality. Lola may get you through some tough times, but no woman can ever live up to Lola. That may make it more difficult for you in the long run.

I suggest that your loneliness is a symptom of a larger issue. The fantasy with Lola, the fear you live in including the distrust of your therapist and your family, the esteem issues and suicidal thoughts all indicate to me a larger, deeper issue.

I think you live in a tremendous amount of fear and have built a fantasy to insulate yourself from it but now that you are maturing you cannot resolve the lie and it is eating you up inside. It can kill you or cause you to become paranoid and become capable of atrocity. The anguish you feel is your mind telling you to dig out before you drown.

I would like to suggest that, it is not too late. I know of no permanent damage you have caused yourself (no atrocities) and the fact that you are looking for help indicates a willingness to change for the better. I also believe that for someone to have a rich fantasy life, they need the IQ power to do so. I think you are conscientious enough to know you need to change and bright enough to follow instructions and dig out on your own.

If you are like me, you are obsessively dedicated to the truth. You have a hard time living a lie. I suggest the mental anguish you are experiencing is due to you growing up and seeing the world differently than you did when you invented fantasies like Lola. Your brain is simply telling you that it is time to take control and be the man you know you should be.

It is normal to want to mature and be a benefit to society and to the species. You aren't wrong for feeling this way. How you handle it will determine who you are for 50 years so handle it well and you can thrive.

In my last post to you, I described how I climbed out of a similar hole. I didn't start climbing up until I was almost 30 having spent much of my time pursuing snake oil fixes (girls, drugs, booze, therapy and other 'feel good' behavior sold by common culture). They weren't enough for me. I still felt the same, lonely hole in my chest wherever I moved, regardless of who I slept with or what I smoked. From your posts, I don't think they will be enough for you either.

I am not suggesting stopping any meds or stopping seeing your therapist. If/when the time comes for you to do so, you will know and so will he/she.

That hole in my chest was because I was not happy with myself and found myself unworthy of the relationship I wanted. I had to change myself before I could love myself. You cannot accept love from another nor may you love another until you love yourself. Learn this. Loving yourself is the hardest thing ever and yet is so simple. The key is to be the person you know you should be.

I cannot change myself for myself. I will move mountains to help another human where I will barely lift a finger to help myself. Knowing this about myself allows me to 'trick' myself into helping myself by helping others.

This trick sets the 'tone' of my mind. I don't engage in negative fantasy because I am grateful for all that I have. Helping others who are far worse off than I am takes the hate and fear out of my mind allowing me to grow into a better man. That made me eligible to real women (as opposed to girls who wanted me to fulfill them) and led to my relationship with my wife. Both of us being of like mind, grow together by helping others together. This is the partnership I longed for when I was 15. I had to earn a chance at it and I have to earn it daily to keep it. If I do, I will live a happy life full of joy, love, challenges (who wants an easy life?) and be in a relationship only we ourselves can break.

There has never been a more worthwhile project in my life and I invite you to share a similar fate.

From your posts, I deduce that you are in a self-destructive, negative thought rut similar to one I spent 20 years in. I broke out by finding a cause to help others and in turn I helped myself. Do for others what you will not do for yourself and in doing so, you will become the man you want to be and the hole in your chest will start to go away.

So long as your resolve is strong and your motives pure and the cause you choose is positive, finding one and making it your own can dig you out of this rut you are in.

Go engage in a random act of kindness. Help a stranger. Don't take anything in return. Leave them with no-one to thank but God. Do it today and put the hate and fear, self loathing and eventually even Lola behind you once and for all. If you do, you will be left with courage and love and gratitude.

The pain in your chest will shrink from courage, love and gratitude. I guarantee it. Good people are drawn to courage, love and gratitude and your options for real romance will increase dramatically.

If you do what I suggest, Lola will go away on her own.

One other thing, I don't quit.

You have potential. If you don't quit on you, I won't quit on you. We only lose when we quit.

He conquers who endures. -Persius

Don't quit. Endure this. Conquer it. It will define you as a winner or a loser in your own head which is the only place that ever mattered anyway.

Fear of the loss of your crutch is normal. The more fear, the more important it is to drive it out before it defines you.

Many, many people on this forum have overcome ticks and stim behavior so they could fit in better and be more productive.

Ask yourself this, do you want to have a relationship with a real human being or still be talking to Lola when you are 50?

Based on your earlier posts, I think this frightens you too.

You can't just ditch Lola for the same reason rehab doesn't always work. Lola fulfills a need that addicts understand. You have to replace Lola with something else. It is too early for you to replace her with someone else as Lola isn't real.

It all comes down to you making a courageous decision and taking a stand against your own fear. You have taken the first steps. You have recognized the fact that living this way is unbearable. You are expressing fear that you will continue to decline if you stay on the path that you are on (and you are correct).

You have recognized the problem. That's half way. Now just finish the job. Defeat your fear.

When you do, the fog of fear will lift and you will see it as the paper tiger it is. In the long run, defeating your own fear is worth it every time.