Attaching emotional value & importance to sex?

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I get really bummed out on this being so problematic these days.

I had a few opportunities in my late teens and early 20's to "Lose my V-Card" but I turned it down because the people who were offering didn't mean anything to me.. they were just girls who were horny and thought I was cute.. It lead me to a lot of soul searching as I got older and wasn't able to find as many willing partners (mainly because I worked in an office, alone, with no co-workers for 6 years, rather than working in a huge retail store with loads of co-workers who were all the same age as me) But basically I considered my virginity something important that I wanted to share with some one equally important. Eventually I was able to do just that, but she, again, like my most recent ex seemed to be interested in that sort of emotional attachment but then changed her mind... It doesn't help that it takes me a very long time to get comfortable enough with a person to willingly be vulnerable that way with them.

I realize that my sex drive is not.. abnormally low by any standards.. I'm not going to go into details but I usually wanted a couple of hours between bouts.. where as I've found most women are keen to go again immediately (something I find physiologically impossible) or else they lose interest in me. For me.. Sex is not simply about the physical release of orgasm.. since I can do that for myself... but I really enjoyed the act of togetherness involved. I found far more importance in the act of being with some one else, in making them feel good, in the afterglow period and the cuddling and the aggressive wandering hands slopping make out part that came before the act.. basically the book ends.. brought me more emotional fulfillment than the act itself did.

But I've found that young women ( I have no, and want no experience with young men) seem to be very averse to the parts that I enjoy the most..

Most people can respect hangups about sex if you couch it in terms of religion... "I'm waiting for marriage cause of my religion" or what have you.. But I'm not religious and it has nothing to do with that.. I'm just looking for emotional investment on the other parties behalf before I'm willing to undertake that kind of activity.. and sooo many young women today seem to get really offended when i won't just go home with them, or take them home with me... almost as if I'm insulting them or calling them ugly or something.. when that's really not the case. To me Sex isn't "Just" physical.. it ALWAYS entails emotional attachments and if it doesn't include those aspects I just am not interested in it.. It's really sad as this seems to be what so many women's literature authors and film makers, not to mention Women themselves tell me they want..

It's just something I was thinking about

I can totally relate to this. I always knew that sex with no emotional attachment was of no use to me. This fact was driven home most recently. I found myself in a fwb situation. I knew I wasn't fwb material but I tried it anyway. I asked him what sex meant to him and he said it meant pleasing your partner and making them happy and satisfied. When he asked me I said it was the ultimate expression of love. Months later.... he moved on to the next woman. I was deeply hurt. But now I realized we were incompatible because we don't share core values. I value sex as an emotion filled expression of love and he was able to have sex with no regards to these things. To him it was a physical act that brought pleasure. So then how would one know that he loved her? He'd have sex with people he didn't love so he wouldn't show her that way. I don't and never will understand that, which is okay because that's me and we're all different. But I need a recipricol emotional attachment when it comes to sex. I feel empty when that element isn't present.

I can totally relate too. As the OP said I can do it for myself if it's only for the release of an orgasm. If I would 'use' another person just for that how would that make them feel? Yes it's the ultimate expression of a romantic love and a very private gift I don't throw around. It's for me not really about the act itself either. I see it more like that you merge with another soul. You connect with a soul, not with a body and by this you love them wholly. I could never have sex with someone only for the benefit of sex. And vice versa I would never want someone else to feel used that way. The body is just a vessel and our visual sense dominates. Maybe lovers should cover their eyes when they explore each other. Real love is blind and people tend to confuse lust with love.

rabbittss, may I ask if you are a man or a woman?

And if you have been diagnosed with ASD?

I will explain, once you respond.

I've got a Y Chromosome and a Penis and I identify as Male..

I've been diagnosed as having PDD-NOS along with Existential Anxiety and Depression.

To me the expression 'I want you to develope me' is metaphorically meant. I believe that's everyone's deepest desire. To get undressed. Your thoughts, who you are, your desires, etc. 'I want you inside' is literally meant and usually said at the highest point of sexual lust and sensation. People attach in different ways and levels. So actually you can't judge or say anything about her here. If you still like her, write her. Put your heart in words and try to clear things. People may only be out for sex. Maybe. Sometimes they run from it too. Don't let anyone here influence your opinion or your feelings. Love is a thing between two people. Talk with her if you still like her. Sexuality isn't a measure of love.

Yeah.. well I'm trying to hold off on that until spring break because I'm afraid of what she's going to say when I go to her (my most recent ex) house.. we didn't part on good terms because she basically had told me she reciprocated all my feelings and even instigated the relationship in the first place.. but then was the one to run away from it when it got to "Oppressive"... I of course melted down and lost my temper and had one of my rare "Rage-downs" rather than just a typical shutdown and fired my mouth off when I shouldn't have.. I'm waiting for spring break so if she tells me to go die in a fire or something I can have some time to recover before school starts again.

aspiesandra27 the suspense is killing me.

Sex usually leads to emotional attachment even if it starts as a FWB situation. The Oxytocin in our brains ensures that.

It's also not a big deal if your partner has a higher sex drive than you as there are plenty of things that can be done to satisfy her that don't involve you getting off. Don't be a lazy lover. Stick to it till the job is done.

Sorry rabbittss

I've been amidst busy and feeling sorry for myself.

Just lost track of time and what I had posted here.

It was regarding this paragraph:

"To me Sex isn't "Just" physical.. it ALWAYS entails emotional attachments and if it doesn't include those aspects I just am not interested in it.. It's really sad as this seems to be what so many women's literature authors and film makers, not to mention Women themselves tell me they want.. "

I have to say I disagree with you. Not in the sense that I don't share the same views. I do. But that this is predominately a woman's view? Maybe I have just been out of the game for too long, but I have always found that it's most commonly men, who are able to carry out a relationship based on sexual needs alone.

I struggle to see how the can do that, especially for long periods of time, unless they are concealing their emotions for another reason.

I think you are a rare breed.

Sorry if this sounds scatty, but my brain is elsewhere today.

Oh No I think it's definitely not a 'Woman' thing across the board.. more just seems to be very prevalent in the groups of young women I know.

It's an attitude that guys have had for AGES.. and It's just as deplorable when they do it.. "Get you drunk, tell you they love you, and then f**k you and leave you"... It's horrible amoral unethical behaviour no matter what gender is doing it.. but as I said I only have my own experiences to go on..

I think maybe what the problem is, is that young women are just playing young men's game.. but the Media and Culture hasn't caught up to the idea yet.. so the cultural benchmarks I'm familiar with are still telling me what young women USED to or are "Supposed" to be like... rather than what they are really like.

It also probably doesn't help that the people I hang out with are suddenly seeming to be more and more on the reprobate spectrum than I at first had considered. I always just thought they were the interesting ones cause the music they were into or the fact they wore cool clothes or played D&D.. but now I'm starting to realize that a lot of them are just drug addicts and alcoholics who can't get their acts together.. and the reason they are so well read is that they don't have a job or school to go to to take up their free time...

I think it's that mainly I really just want to skip the whole "Dating" and "Hooking up" part and just marry some one and live with them for 60 years... I just want to be married to them while we are both cute and nubile and ready for sexy rumpus at the drop of the hat.. not wait until I'm 40 and they're 40 and we're just ready to sit around reading Ken Follet Novels and listening to the King and I..

So really maybe the problem is just that the MAJORITY of young people of both sexes are now extremely commitment-phobic where as it used to primarily only be the males who were commitment phobic... at least if you listen to the media and popular culture.