Dealing with late blossoming

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Hi, first time here. I'm a college aged aspie having been diagnosed in middle school. I'm male, straight, single, and abstinent. The latter hasn't been my preference, but I was mostly at peace with it until the last couple years when I got hit with mating instinct something fierce. For the first time I started feeling lonely and left out. It got to the point where I couldn't watch a friend of mine kiss his girlfriend without getting depressed. It's been a little embarrassing having to deal as a man with issues that most neurotypicals go through in high school, but I'm told from a female aspie friend that she didn't start becoming interested in going out with men until her late twenties, so I assume it's an aspie thing. I'd like to hear from some male aspires about this since I honestly don't personally know any male aspies who aren't celibate or still living with their parents. Understand it's not the dating itself I'm interested in advice from, but if you can relate to abruptly being forced into taking it seriously.

I can't speak for guys, but I was a late starter.

I didn't have my first sexual relationship until almost 26; that relationship only ended last year, and I'm not even looking at the moment.

On the plus side, my relationship did give me closure over my entire past dating--or lack thereof--history.

Well, I've crossed that bridge a while ago, so it's not sexual angst that's my problem. It's my courtship instinct programming kicking in late. In my social aspie mind I don't really want a girlfriend or even a date, and normally was fine being on my own, but lately I'm getting beat up emotionally and feeling all the issues of competitiveness and envy come out. I've tried dating a few times, and I'm not scared of doing so, but the neurotypical girl always picks up the aspie in me before I can make the right impression and that pretty much is a brick wall. My speech is almost typical, but my gait and eye contact issues give it away.

Last edited by clonazep on 03 Mar 2013, 12:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

Gee, pretending you're somebody you aren't is turning the ladies off? I would've never guessed.

Don't try to hide your inner Autistic; let it shine.


And as of right now, I admit I feel a little lonely, but nothing major that makes me REALLY WANT to have a relationship at the moment; I know deep down I'm not really ready anytime soon for it.

I don't think it's any different than wearing a suit to a job interview. The point isn't trying to suppress autism or pretend you're NT, but to make sure that the physical attributes doesn't immediately distract the NT you're trying to start relations with. And at a time when many people still have the "Rain Man" image of autism, it's just something you want to avoid getting brought up on the first meeting before someone gets to know you better. Maybe later in the meeting or the next one you bring up that you have autism. Then the NT says "Wow, I never would have thought since you don't have symptoms XYZ, etc." and the focus is instead on whatever interests you have or what you do. And if your autism is noticed it no longer defines who you are in the eyes of the NT based on a misinformed premise of what autism is.

I don't really want a relationship right now either. But it's a rough period for me in which I'm made to feel like I ought to. It'll pass eventually I'm sure.

I'm almost 26, I'm in the same boat as the OP.

I know from what groups I've attended that many aspie men do stay single well into middle age. I know quite a few who didn't even get out of their parents' house until 40. Every neurotypical friend I have who I tell about my problem says "Just keep at and you'll find someone eventually." Thanks guys, that really helps. As I said, I'd rather not bother with relationships, at least not until I'm done with college, which is enough to deal with. And in my age group its hard to find a neurotypical single woman who's interested in being a casual go out to the movies kind of date, even without the aspie issues. They're at the age when they want either someone to take them out partying (and to bed) every weekend, or a husband.

But as much as I dislike going through the motions of dating and getting burned, I don't like watching a couple kiss or hold hands and feeling left out. So I keep at it the best I can. As you all know, it's tough to make any kind of friend with neurotypicals unless you both share an interest. The best option would be to get another aspie as a date, but good luck finding one who is at the same level and doesn't need you to go see her parents for permission, like you're back in middle school.

Got kissed when I was 23

I think I was 15 when I first started to feel a desire to be in relationship. That's a little late, considering that most kids are "dating" by the time they're 12 or 13. But not that late, I guess. I'm not overly concerned with dating right now, though. It's not a priority at the moment. I should be more focused on making friends than girlfriends right now.

While I always had crushes on girls since age 5 (although at that age I wished I WAS a girl) I never really had a big interest in dating until I turned 29. I looked into it at about 20 but found girls might look good but their almost universal snotty personalities were not worth dealing with.

I haven't dated anyone, and I'm 30. I'd like to, but I have had no luck.