4 easy rules will avoid 98% of sexual harassment accusations

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I've noticed in my CBT aspie group as well as the aspie meet ups in my area that AS males have a tendency to make lots of crass sexual comments about women's bodies. Then, they act shocked and offended when someone calls them out on it.

A lot of men on WP claim to be accused of sexual harassment without knowing why. How much of this is due to direct comments about women's bodies or appearance? Even if it's not aimed at a specific woman, it can still be sexual harassment. I had very conservative parents who taught me never to use sexual speech in public and never to touch women. The most I do is light innuendo and usually only when others do it first (and never as extreme). So even when I'm unaware of social norms, I never get called creepy because I've never been in a position to make a mistake.

I think 98% of problems would be avoided if men learned:

1. Don't touch women unless they touch you first.

2. Do not make any sexual comments in public.

3. Do not make any comments--whether positive or negative--about a woman's appearance.

4. Do not make make any generalizations about sexual orientation or gender.

It's not rocket science. I'm almost a lawyer, and I know quite a bit about sexual harassment law, having once initiated charges as the victim of male-male sexual harassment. But feel free to disagree.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 05 Mar 2013, 5:58 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Flirting and innuendo requires a lot of subtlty that isn't always easy for someone on the spectrum to imitate. If you can't grasp it you shouldn't be trying.

For me, the best thing is to avoid talking to women my own age (say 20-35) except to say "hello". Apparently no matter how kind I am or how considerate I try to be, women my age seem to think I'm sexually harassing them which as anyone who knows me can tell you could not be further from the truth.

I once said to a very shy, timid girl with who a picture posted in front of me how beautiful she looks in that picture and she later (informally) reported me for it. WTF? If some random girl gives me a compliment on how strong I look for example, I'd be over the moon no matter who they were!

The general rules are: Don't speak to them; Don't look at them; and Don't touch them / Keep your distance.

Ignore them, even when they say, "Hello" first (just say, "Hello" if you have to, but keep doing what you're doing).

If they need help with something at work, focus on the task, and then go your separate ways when the task is finished.

Carry a book or manual with you at all times, so that when you're in their presence with nothing to do, you will at least have something to stare at besides them.

Make no comments about or to them. If pressed for an opinion by a third party (who is likely trying to stir up trouble), just say "She seems nice" and leave it at that.

This sounds more like tips on how to avoid persecution by the Spanish Inquisition.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

edit: To stop all sexual harassment accusations: Just lock yourself in your room and turn off all electronic devices, problem solved.

Last edited by TornadoEvil on 05 Mar 2013, 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No one expects to be brought up on charges of harassment, either.

Back in the day, I used to enter the office (at another company) by the front door and say, "Good Morning" to the receptionist. That was all of the contact I had with her on a daily basis. One day, I was called into the boss's office because the receptionist had filed a complaint of harassment against me, saying that my "constant attention" was "obviously flirtatious" and that I was causing a "hostile working environment". The boss told me to undergo a week's worth of sensitivity training or lose my job.

After the ordeal, I returned to work, using the loading dock to enter the building and saying nothing to anyone - I just did my job without speaking (if I could avoid speaking at all). A few weeks later, I was called into the boss's office again because the receptionist had filed another complaint of harassment against me, saying that my "silent treatment" was "obviously hostile" and that I was causing a "hostile working environment". The boss handed me a box, told me to collect my personal property and leave the building.

So, even if you do nothing, you can still be charged with harassment.

Wow, the funny thing about that scenario is that the only one doing any harassing was the receptionist herself, based on the description you provided.

Au, contraire! Don't you see? She is a woman. I am a man. Therefore, she was the victim, and I am the no good, dirty scumbag who was making her life a living Hell!

/sarcasm

It is important to be able to know when you are making someone feel uncomfortable. Though it can still be hard to figure out. I personally get upset when people pay too much attention to me, and I am obviously not trying to pay too much attention to them.

Avoid office politics, what was said at the kitchen/coffee machine/water sprout. Stays there and not to be repeated. If in doubt, check with trusted friend or colleague. I think NTs usually ask someone to find out if the person they are interested in, is interested in them and/or if they are available.

Yes, there is a difference between a girl not being interested and a girl feeling harassed.

As said above, don't talk about sexuality, her physical appearance, dating/going out, etc. when you first meet her.

And don't touch her unless she's comfortable with it.

And if she says no or express signs of discomfort, then STOP. Excuse yourself from the conversation and leave.

I'm pretty sure that was one of the things my OP said not to do.

1. Don't touch women unless they touch you first.

2. Do not make sexual comments in public.

3. Do not make comments about a woman's appearance

Of course, these things do not apply if you're in a relationship with that person. But I highly doubt that's where most of these sexual harassment accusations come from.

These things do NOT mean don't talk to women at all. I had a five-hour conversation with a woman just a few days ago where I talked for at least half of those five hours (2.5 hours of me talking) and did not do any of those things.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 05 Mar 2013, 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, comments about a woman's appearance, such as "you're beautiful" and the like can be taken in two ways.

1. you are desperate and willing to flatter your way to her approval
2. it's code language for "hi, lets have sex".

How a woman responds to what you say depends on a lot of factors.

If she finds you good looking, she will be more permissive. If she is busy or in a bad mood, she will be less permissive.

Overall, how you carry yourself. If you are confident, genuine, and cool about things, it's different than if you are unsure, creepy or socially awkward.

A colleague of mine was sent for sensitivity training. Because he ended up exploding by using a derogatory statement towards a homosexual man sexually harassing him. He should have, at first asked the harasser to stop and only if he repeated he should have let his manager know instead of keeping it all in.

He should have reported the person for sexual harassment instead of making homophobic comments.

I have a few things to add to the list:

Do not make homophobic or sexist comments. At all. Ever. Do not ever start a sentence with "women typically ... " Do not ever make any generalizations about gender.