My boyfriend may have Aspergers, what should I do?

Post Reply New Topic

I have been dating my bf for 4 years and have always thought he was just an ordinary inconsiderate guy and perhaps he is just not that into me anymore.
I started suspecting aspergers recently as I have noticed a lot of what he does is very much aspergers/autistic behaviour.
Let me tell you our situation...

Recently I have noticed how often he uses the phrase "it just doesn't make sense" to end every argument and justify his thinking. We often do a lot of things separately, such as doing the grocery, going shopping, odd jobs because 'it just doesn't make sense' to him for us both to be wasting time to do the same activity that he sees as a task.
I have had to fly from my current city back home for conferences and see family over the past 2 1/2 years. He has taken me to the airport and perhaps picked me up twice. The reason being - "it just doesn't make sense that you can't park your car at the airport or just catch a taxi' ( I had planned to get hammered the night before or am going fishing with the boys). I used to get really angry about this and have almost broke up with him over this as I see it as a very selfish act. He couldn't sacrifice 20mins to take me to the airport or pick me up? But it was okay to pay $40 to the taxi man and that made sense to him??? And I always made sure I booked my flights just before 5pm Friday and after 7pm Sunday which would not have affected his plans at all!!

The other thing is... his obsession!! He's obsession with 4WD and dogs! He wanted a 4WD and boom! there it was, within weeks of wanting it! He was out 4WD every weekend. On his own, with mates, it didn't matter. He did so much research on 4WDing, has bought so many magazine, dvds and watches every 4WD program on tv.

He wanted a dog, and yes within days, we got one. And now, we are watching every dog program on t.v! Once when we stayed at his mum and dad's (holidaying), he had planned to watch his favourite program and his dad got to the remote first. He went in his room, refused to talk to his dad for days and was pretty much ready to leave his parents then and there! Everyone was shocked by his reaction but brushed it off by seeing it as BF being his normal grumpy self!

We fight often about the most hideous things like, I can't understand why he can't just pass me the water bottle that is on his side of the bed? This is something he has always refused to do, another thing that does not make sense to him -why i can't just reach over him to get it myself?

I feel like he has no idea what an act of kindness is?

I will often have to point out to him things that I have done around the house and the dinners I have cooked and lunches I have made for him to make him understand that I have contributed in the house and it is okay for him to be a little nicer to me.

BF used to work away in the mines and we used to communicated everyday via phone. I would get messages like 'call you in 5' and would not hear from him for hours. And when I finally did, he would be in bed and was just ringing to say goodnight.

Recently, he has started to get annoyed with me because when he tells me to do something, I would ask 'why' or maybe for more specific instructions. And the response would be 'just do it' or 'don't worry about it'. He has expressed that my questioning stresses him out. Sometimes he would start saying something and stop and I would say go on... and he would get cross like I shouldn't bother asking if he wasn't going say it, it wasn't important.

He has never bought me a gift. He believes it's a waste of money to buy someone something on her birthday, so have never given me something unless I have already picked it. I have asked for surprises and this frustrates him. However, he is happy to give me money to buy things for myself. I found this very annoying as it shows that he spends no time getting to know what I want or what makes me happy. Sometimes, I wonder if he really knows me at all?

We have talked about marriage and engagement and his idea of how it would ever happen is if I could go and get the ring myself. How romantic!

My question, and I guess I already have the answer in my head is... has my bf got Aspergers?
I have considered talking to him about it, but I don't think he will accept this and it will make our relationship worse.
I want to talk to his mum or sister about it but I don't want to offend them.
I have talked to a friend (she works with young kids with me) about this and thinks I should talk to his mum or sister so that they could maybe talk to him.

I guess I just need to know from someone who is dating or married to a person with Aspergers, how do you deal with the every day unromantic side of the person? What strategies can I use to help me break this to him and have him listen to 'my ideas' - and I use the term 'my ideas' very loosely as he would not buy it if it was something that didn't come from an expert.
I think he needs to know that some of his actions are quite abnormal to me, that I need time to process them as much as he needs time to understand me. So, any ideas on how I can get him involved and help our relationship along?

He also finds it hard in social situations, even around family. He needs alcohol to help him calm his nerves. Previously have never understood why such a social drunk can be so unsocial when sober. But I am beginning to get it now...

well i dont realy know if ur bf has aspergers, mainly becuz it sounds like were two completely opposite people, and i know for sure i hav aspergers

it sounds like maybe he doesnt seem to understand the importants of kindness

i would suggest about the gift thing, is that maybe u could shop for gift for each other together or say that u will be exchanging gifts to one another on a date and make sure he knows something u like

but to be frank most aspies i know, the only issue they share when it comes to problems with relationships is mis-understanding, mainly cuz people dont like to be blunt with ones they love or are attracted to, and sadly often times u got to be very blunt with someone with aspergers in order to bite a mis-understanding in the butt

u could also ask why he doesnt understand, and hav him explain why everytime he says "it just doesn't make sense"

however it has sounded like uve made urself pretty clear and maybe thats becuz this is internet and its easyer for u to express urself but asking for someone to be nicer to u, cant get much clearer than that

so it could just be its not working out anymore and u might need to consider doing whats in ur best interest

lol, so in other words, accept that he is just a prick and move on if things don't change?

If I had a dollar for every time...

It just seems like he's disintrested. If he was aspergers or anything related you would know from the start.

pretty much

well i have thought about it being aspergers a long time ago because of his anti social behaviours. accepted that and moved on, as I am not the most social person in the world (but not as strange and uncomfortable as him to be around ppl)...

so how can one tell the difference between someone actually understanding the social norms and choosing to be a pain and a person that doesn't understand it and choosing not to want to know? Does every person with aspergers want to be the same as 'normal' people? And want to learn our social rules?

I have so many questions about autism and aspergers now that you have said you and the BF are so different. Does autism and aspergers determine your personality? Is every person with autism and aspergers the same? I thought it was just the traits that we look at, like repetition, obsession, unable to read emotions, etc...? Things that we don't believe fit the normal behaviours of a person?

The other reason why I am so interested is that we are working with a couple of children atm that are displaying signs of autistic traits and would like to know how to work better with them. It is interesting to know how we could affect them when they grow up.

Btw, why does a person with aspergers / autism need to change and learn to fit our social norms? Why can't we change our thinking and behaviour to suit them? Another reason why I would like to know how to work with someone living with aspergers.

anti social behavior is the act of not accepting the social "norms" example: "killing ppl for fun is bad", etc... and refusing to conform or compromise

what most aspies deal with is not that we dont know the social norms we just dont know how to implement them in a timely manner thats considered normal, not "anti social behavior" thats a miss-conseption ive been long trying to correct

alot of us try to be "normal" and there is a norm, even when everyone is different and most see this norm as a goal

but those of us who are happy with ourselves often want ppl just to understand us as much as they want us to understand what is "normal"
this is at best a compromise, "u take time to understand y its hard for me to (insert social action here) and ill try to streach, learn, and grow in the achiving social norms"

the thing is some aspies hav yet to learn that sometimes u hav to leave ur comfert zone and understand the NT world of doing things

and that may never change

Last edited by Zinnel on 05 Sep 2011, 6:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

lol, yes we are all different believe me, the 4 aspeis i know in real life the only reason we hang out to gather is becuz of that one thing we share "aspergers" apart from that we are totaly different

I would say yes. Why?

Because it's what I've watched my mother put up with all her life.

It's not easy to be married to an aspie guy, my parents are living proof of that.

I think the whole "doesn't make sense" thing is stupid because it does make sense. Next question: How much do you love him?

the reason i pointed out the fact that him and i are different is becuz the evidence u purpose was symptoms of aspergers seem more like just part of his personality to me,

he may hav aspergers, and just not want to understand u or the world around him

but most aspies i know cant help but want to understand, thats often where the "obsession" emerges its self, and this is the big red flag to me that it may not be aspergers hes dealing with

Oh god you REALLY need a cup of tea with my mother. My Dad does that and it just kills her.

I would bet 100% that he has aspergers. His set ways, his inability to grasp the way other people see the world, it all fits. We all have this problem to some extent. Some are worse than others though.

No, Autism and Aspergers DON'T determine your personality. At ALL. Remember this.
And no, we are just as diverse as NT's.
We need to change our behaviour because people can't, and wont try to understand us. We are a minority group. It's just the way it is.

As for aspies wanting to change and improve on their skills, it varies from aspie to aspie. Some members here try really hard to improve their behaviour. Some sit back, blame aspergers and the the world and make excuses for themselves.

Like I said. We are just as diverse as NTs among ourselves.

Take me for example. I am a carbon copy of my dad as far as mental conditions go. BUT, he doesn't have a quirky bone in his body, whereas I have a silly and quirky nature like my NT mother.

We vary heaps

thanks. And I guess this is the reason why aspergers and autism is so hard to understand. Even though one may be given the label, they may display different traits that make it hard for us to understand. Unlike ADHD or other labels where it is so obvious, one could be anywhere on the spectrum... I hear that they are going to phase out using the label aspergers and put it all under the autism spectrum?

Thank you for all your replies. It almost in a way does not matter now. Just in the time that the post has gone up, I have decided that I will try my best to live with what I have and be a better person by being more understanding!

Ditto

Also: his "it doesn't make sense" thing sounds like his way of being stubborn for whatever reason. I know that's not much of an insight but... I wonder if it's due to an inability to be lovey-dovey every day for 4 years straight which I always wondered how people managed (being lovey-dovey every day indefinitely) cause I felt like people need to have time/space to be their non-romantic selves but this changed when I gained greater trust in other people due to taking antidepressants. Is this good, I don't know, but it's a fact about me.