Some advice on very complicated love please

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Hello,

hope you can help me find a solution to my current turmoil. I have recently fallen in love with an Aspie student of mine who I think might be 25 or under (I'm in 42). I know I should try and forget him but I can't, he has started pulling out after he sensed I was getting needy and too attached, saying it is too complicated, his main fear I think is that he can't focus on his intensive University course (he's come to my University after being unable to continue on another course because he couldn't get a scholarship). The course he does with me won't count towards his degree and whatever mark he gets really makes no difference but the rest he is finding quite hard.

Initially I used to meet him after class for extra tuition and that's how things progressed. I also had him over for Xmas and that's when we slept together, though there had been something else before that. Initially everything was wonderful and we had a connection I had never experienced before. After Xmas I spoke to him and he was exhausted and dejected because he hadn't done well at some of his exams, and that's when he told me that it was too complicated and that he couldn't tell if he was attracted to me because of his hormones or because of me. Also he said he had taken him three years before having a relationship with his ex (a very troubled relationship by the sound of it), and other things such as: this is not a relationship, it's relations - ie just sex, and that he needed structure, that I deserved better, etc. He also told me I had a nice arse! And I know you like this (ie this on and off). During the conversation he would alternate between getting distant to getting closer and it went on like that for a good hour, with him saying: I need to rationalise and listen to my head. He also said he was ashamed and embarassed of sleeping with his tutor and afraid I could lose my job and he could jeopardise his studies.

Every time he comes to class now it's all very emotionally draining though I can put on an act.

I really don't know what to do as he is in my mind all the time.

I also feel guilty because I texted him not to rush in a flash after class because it hurt me. He took it as a request to stay after class which wasn't quite what I meant, in any case, he said he could not stay after class and I took it very badly and texted: why would I want you to stay on, you are so boring/big-headed.. I added a smiley but I think I offended him. I did apologise twice but I don't know if it made any difference, he hasn't replied, he always talked very little.

Well all in all a bit of a mess and the only solution I found so far is to remain silent and hope he will eventually return to class, my feelings are very raw at the moment. I just don't know what to do for the best and whether there is anything that I can indeed do to reconnect with him.

Any help greatly appreciated, on how to reconnect with him!

you are committing sexual harassment. back off entirely until he is no longer in your class.

You don't need help on how to reconnect with him - you need help in re-establishing and maintaining a professional and appropriate relationship with one of your students. What you are doing is at best inappropriate, most likely professional misconduct and at worst, harassment.

Do you have a professional mentor you can discuss this situation with in confidence, or a counsellor?

This sounds rather scandalous at best. The above two have good pieces of advice. I think it might be in the best interest of the both of you to establish appropriate and acceptable boundaries with eachother considering the circumstances of this relationship. I would say from a professional standpoint that you have to end this.

Your need to recover and maintain your professional standards. You are already hurting the student, because he is not attending class due to the relationship. Review the standards for your profession and the school where you teach.

As helpful as it may be for your mental health, it may cost you your job! I'd just apologize, tell him you'll leave him alone and not speak anything beyond class material. PERIOD.

I am leaving him alone, is it not clear from what I wrote?

I have done so since we spoke after Xmas. He doesn't know I am going through all this emotional turmoil, I have been 100 % professional since my last private exchange with him.

Honestly, is there nobody here who is willing to have some sympathy or am I really on the wrong planet?

Your views are all black and white, life is rarely black and white.

I wanted somebody else's point of view to see whether this could have any future after he finished his course.

I am going through emotional turmoil but can take it and let go of any hope if I think the whole relationship is doomed, that is not what I was asking in this forum. I already know right now while he is a student there is nothing I can do and should do beside being professional. I slipped and paying the price.

However one can't help falling in love, and although I can suppress my feelings for his own good, I would like you to comment on as any possible solution, if any, after he gets his degree.

you're complicating the issue with emotions. this is about professionalism and his future. he is in your class to learn, and you're saying things like this:

it should not matter if it hurts you if he leaves in a flash. you are his educator.


you essentially guilted him into staying after class, which was absolutely unacceptable. because of your unequal relationship he may have worried that his grades would depend on it.


you have possibly created a big problem for someone's education. you're sad but he might have affected his GPA for this term rather badly. you did the wrong thing by sleeping with him, and then you did the wrong thing by having further contact with him and using your own emotions to try to get him to behave in the manner you wanted. if you can't cope with all of this, talk to a counsellor, but stop messing with someone whose future you hold in your hands.

the RIGHT thing to do at this point is to report the incident because his grade is essentially messed up. your school might not have a bar against educators and students sleeping together, but most do. if he doesn't return to class you can't really give him a full grade. if he does return to class you will be unlikely to be fair to him in your grading (you are only human). if you report the incident then he can get a second chance at the class without it affecting his GPA and without any further unethical behaviour occurring. however, i do not think you would report your own actions to an administrator (most people wouldn't, to be fair) so your second best option is to leave him alone and let go of the idea of reconnecting with him. no more private communications at all.

Autistic people, from my experience, tend to permanently avoid people who for whatever reason make them uncomfortable, afraid or embarrassed (those reasons could be completely nonsensical at times, at least to everybody else). Holding grudges is common. That may be the case judging from your experience (the young man being ashamed and afraid of the trouble that the relationship could bring to the both of you). Inability of commitment also appears to be the case here.

Reconnecting could be difficult, especially if both people in the relationship are ASD sufferers. Cutting away the external world and people, especially on the challenging intimate level, is one of the defining features of autism.

Aspies are very different from one another, as even a brief stay on these forums can indicate... Knowing the other person well enough could give you more hints how to bring the person back than we can gather from your posts alone.

Well, stay strong.

I'm going to give you the extreamly unethical and unjudgemental response you were hoping you'd get. I'm an aspie and I had a professor that I fell for hard.........

I was in her classes twice and I was her TA one year. We flirted a bit but she backed off before we completely crossed that line. I waited till I graduated to try and reconnect with her but by that point she had moved on.

I know i'm projecting but IMO, this guy is a lucky bastard. I would suggest reconnecting with him once he's no longer your student. If it's meant to happen it will but you should keep things professional for now.........

Even though this situation is really already dubious, if you manage to really get a hold of your emotions, and I mean seriously because you are borderline out of a job here, you could:

(1) Inform him clearly that given what has gone on between you it is in the best interests of both of you to back off immediately and keep all interaction strictly professional.

(2) Propose that both of you will revisit the issue at a later date well after his graduation, like at least a month after (set a concrete date if it helps), and not a second before. On this date you will meet again and privately discuss the situation like adults and decide whether it is desirable to move foward.

If this sounds too hard then you should give up now. If you think he is worth it you will find it easy to be patient knowing it gives you the best chance of any worthwhile relationship developing.

Thank you for all your comments, the good and the bad!

Thanks particularly to Geekonychus

I just wanted to stress that I did what I did because the person in question is very special to me, nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I simply fell deeply in love with him and for that exact reason I am prepared to do everything I can to guarantee his peace of mind throughout his course. I will do what is best for him, no question about that.

I never used to ask him to stay after class, he did it spontaneously, and I do intensely regret telling him that he hurt me when he stopped doing it, since then I apologised and made it clear I am fine with him leaving straightaway but I do want him to carry on with his module and not miss any lessons.

I also appreciated TheValk comment, it resonated with me because I am exactly like that, I tend to avoid people who make me feel uncomfortable or fearful, so I can see that my student might be doing the same with me out of shame and embarassed. I can only hope that when we are feeling more relaxed about this and there are no further academic complications we might be able to reconnect.

I was involved with an Aspie man not long ago and it has been an emotional rollercoaster and steep learning curve for me (I should clarify I am also on the spectrum), he kept pushing me away and breaking up with me, but I persisted and now we are the best of friends (fingers crossed).

Just by reflecting about myself and the way I interact with people, I notice that it's exactly those people who don't give up and are prepared to put up with my constant withdrawing and need for space that are the ones who eventually succeed in staying in my life.