Marriage Breakdown

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My Marriage is Breaking down. Recently my Mother died, on top of this my in-laws have moved to the same town as our family. We have nothing in common, they are very religious, I am agnostic. There are huge issues as my daughter is making her communion in the next month and it's the only topic of conversation. I can't tolerate being around my in-laws for any more than 1hr per week, as it's completely exhausting and I get really irritated by the mundane small talk. Not only this but my wife has completely changed since they arrived, it's like I'm almost married to a different person. We argue on a weekly basis and it's taking a huge toll on the whole family. On top of this I have recently changed jobs when my Mother died, but had to take another teaching contact in the new year. That has it's whole other set of problems, but I'm finding it difficult to go on. I'm having flashes of suicidal thoughts and I'm almost on the brink.

You have a lot of stressors in your life now. Your mother's death, your change of job, your inlaws being too close and your wife's change. First let me say, that any ONE of these stressors would be enough to handle, but all three no wonder you are on the verge of something drastic! Please hang in there. Now, your wife has probably changed because she may be trying to adjust how to be a daughter AND wife simultaneously. Many people act differently in different contexts and she may be trying to resolve this new development. Now, you can't change your inlaws having moved close by, but try to see them as an asset. Perhaps they could come over once in a while to babysit your daughter while you go out and get some alone time.

Your change of job--this is a one-shot deal. Once you get adjusted then this ceases to be a stressor. Try to put this in perspective and remember that this will get easier.

Your mother's death--this is very hard. You need to take time for yourself to process this. It is not something anyone should put you under pressure over. Talk to your wife and tell her that your emotional distance is nothing personal and need to work through this upheaval in your life. Cut yourself some slack. You will get through this. What you DON'T need however is to do anything drastic. You will get through all of this, I promise you!

Thanks for the advice, I've tried to see in-laws moving here in a positive light. Trouble is that if you meet them one day, the next couple of days they are constantly calling. They need assistance with everything, from finding the local recycling centre to the hardware store. It's draining and my wife is inviting this, she is not maintaining any kind of boundaries and meets their needs before our family's.

Perhaps looking at this as also temporary can help. Once they get themselves situated they will be in more of a position to be an asset to your life instead of an incumbrance. And who knows? Maybe one day they will be able to help you out if ever you need it! Once they know where everything is they won't need to ask you and your wife anymore, and can help pick up things you need for your house or help fix things because they will be in more of a position to do so. Hang in there--it takes about six months to settle in and I'm sure by then your job will also have fallen into place by then as well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

How does an agnostic dad have a devout Catholic daughter? (Confirmation is pretty heavy stuff...)

Is this "religious stuff" the biggest stresser? Or is it a million other things? (Boy can I relate!)

Try explaining to your wife that you need time out for yourself to deal with everything & that you cant handle spending much time with her paretns or talking to them on the phone. It would be better for you if she would deal with her parents so you could deal with your stuff.

That's exactly how I would prefer it. I think it's reasonable enough to not want to spend more than 1/2 hours per week with my in-laws. They are very interfering, getting underhanded remarks in about my parenting style. Or the fact that I'm not as sociable as they would like me to be, my son was diagnosed with dyspraxia but I believe he also has aspergers on the mild/moderate scale. I also have a young 3 year old son who I think is certainly on the scale. I've recently being diagnosed, but suspected this for about 5 years after reading educational journals and doing courses. I thought getting the diagnosis would improve my marriage, instead it only made things worse. It's as though my wife is trying to cure me and is completely unaccepting of my diagnosis. Prior to this she was more understanding, now she even makes remarks that I'm mentally ill and had to see a psychologist. I'm at the point where I can't tolerate being in this same room as her.

The religious thing is not such a big deal for me. It's more of an issue for my wife, she thinks I'm immoral because I don't believe in God. I go along with things and respect that she wants to bring our children up as Catholic. The trouble is I don't like having my nose rubbed in it constantly or it being the only topic of conversation.