A simple idea to help move on more smoothly:

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aspiemike
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22 Mar 2013, 10:03 pm

For all of you who are hurt by rejection, hurt by a breakup, and hurt by a bad dating experience:
The most common thing I did was question things. I have a feeling that a lot of you guys and girls did too based on some of the posts I have read in the forum during my eight months of visiting this site. Asking questions about what happen only confused me and led me to some delusional conclusions, and ultimately led me away from the truth. I also bottled up a lot of emotions due to fear.
After some quiet time and realizing what problems I had with moving on, I came to realize what I should have done this whole time. The idea is to allow yourself to feel the emotions to what is going on at the time it happens. To do this, you may feel it is necessary to say what you need to say to the person that hurt you and let them know that what they did hurt you. After this and some possible words from them, take the time to allow yourself to accept the situation as it is and feel the pain, but don't let this pain take over as it could possibly cause some negative thinking, or worse a meltdown of some kind. Remember how you felt at that moment and then keep it only as a memory, and don't carry it forward. This memory should only serve as a reminder about how you felt at that moment.



billiscool
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22 Mar 2013, 10:12 pm

aspiemike wrote:
For all of you who are hurt by rejection, hurt by a breakup, and hurt by a bad dating experience:
The most common thing I did was question things. I have a feeling that a lot of you guys and girls did too based on some of the posts I have read in the forum during my eight months of visiting this site. Asking questions about what happen only confused me and led me to some delusional conclusions, and ultimately led me away from the truth. I also bottled up a lot of emotions due to fear.
After some quiet time and realizing what problems I had with moving on, I came to realize what I should have done this whole time. The idea is to allow yourself to feel the emotions to what is going on at the time it happens. To do this, you may feel it is necessary to say what you need to say to the person that hurt you and let them know that what they did hurt you. After this and some possible words from them, take the time to allow yourself to accept the situation as it is and feel the pain, but don't let this pain take over as it could possibly cause some negative thinking, or worse a meltdown of some kind. Remember how you felt at that moment and then keep it only as a memory, and don't carry it forward. This memory should only serve as a reminder about how you felt at that moment.


yes, but it's not easy, my ex girlfriend left me while back, I think about her all the time. I am doing better then what I was the first two year she left me,
but still I don't know if I could ever get over her. every day I think about her, she always on my mind.



aspiemike
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22 Mar 2013, 10:14 pm

Nothing in life is ever easy Bill. It all takes practice and hard work to do what we need to do.



IlovemyAspie
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23 Mar 2013, 12:18 am

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting ... e-answers/

This^^^^

This is one of the best websites ever. I mean this with all sincerity. It has helped me get through the past few months.



BlueMax
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23 Mar 2013, 12:36 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-closure-on-closure-we-cannot-always-get-all-of-the-answers/

This^^^^

This is one of the best websites ever. I mean this with all sincerity. It has helped me get through the past few months.


Will definitely read, then. Maybe I'll finally get 100% over the ex-wife...?



IlovemyAspie
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23 Mar 2013, 12:39 am

BlueMax wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-closure-on-closure-we-cannot-always-get-all-of-the-answers/

This^^^^

This is one of the best websites ever. I mean this with all sincerity. It has helped me get through the past few months.


Will definitely read, then. Maybe I'll finally get 100% over the ex-wife...?


I guarantee if you read more of the articles you will :D

Best self help I've come across. I even bought her book, purchased one for a friend and recommended it to 2 other people. Both of whom are now reading the book.



cozysweater
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23 Mar 2013, 12:46 am

Meh. Feelings don't just turn off because you want them to or because you've reasoned through why they "shouldn't" exist. Or because you've "processed". (my absolute least favorite buzzword)
You feel what you feel until you don't anymore. Currently, I'm battling a crush on a married coworker. It's TOTALLY inappropriate and un-encouraged, but he's... he's dreamy. So that's my problem. And maybe also his because he spends just a little too much time with me? (not that I'm ever one to complain :roll: )



IlovemyAspie
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23 Mar 2013, 1:37 am

cozysweater wrote:
Meh. Feelings don't just turn off because you want them to or because you've reasoned through why they "shouldn't" exist. Or because you've "processed". (my absolute least favorite buzzword)
You feel what you feel until you don't anymore. Currently, I'm battling a crush on a married coworker. It's TOTALLY inappropriate and un-encouraged, but he's... he's dreamy. So that's my problem. And maybe also his because he spends just a little too much time with me? (not that I'm ever one to complain :roll: )


They sure don't turn off if you sit and ponder, reminisce and rehash the relationship. You think you'll have a crush on your coworker forever? Probably not. One of two things will happen, you'll move on (to someone else?) or you may end up in some sort of relationship. You have a crush on him and he spends "just a little too much time" with you? One or the other is going to happen. If you wanted to turn your feelings off for him, you wouldn't entertain him. You would avoid him as much as possible. You would prevent him from spending "just a little too much time" with you. If you continue to allow these things to happen, your battle will continue. Lather, rinse, repeat..



goldfish21
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23 Mar 2013, 2:32 am

I may be oversimplifying the OP's post, but I sorta see it as the whole "Live in the present moment," philosophy vs. dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This makes a lot of sense & is decent advice.

Plus it's been proven in behavioural studies that those who are most often thinking about whatever it is they're doing in the present moment vs. thinking about something else, past or future, are happiest.

"Be present," is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given by anyone.


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IlovemyAspie
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23 Mar 2013, 3:00 am

goldfish21 wrote:
I may be oversimplifying the OP's post, but I sorta see it as the whole "Live in the present moment," philosophy vs. dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This makes a lot of sense & is decent advice.

Plus it's been proven in behavioural studies that those who are most often thinking about whatever it is they're doing in the present moment vs. thinking about something else, past or future, are happiest.

"Be present," is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given by anyone.


:thumright:



aspiesandra27
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23 Mar 2013, 6:22 am

I feel more and more like an alien, even in "our world". I have tried everything. Tell him, not tell him, ask for explanations, try to see the logic or the lack of it, read, exercise, eat healthy, distraction, writing, get angry, get real, get sweet, work, not work, dance, shout, scream (alone), sing, read more, relax, and nothing works :cry:



IlovemyAspie
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23 Mar 2013, 9:43 am

aspiesandra27 wrote:
I feel more and more like an alien, even in "our world". I have tried everything. Tell him, not tell him, ask for explanations, try to see the logic or the lack of it, read, exercise, eat healthy, distraction, writing, get angry, get real, get sweet, work, not work, dance, shout, scream (alone), sing, read more, relax, and nothing works :cry:


Nothing has worked yet. Persistence is key. You'll find the right combination. But if you do nothing, nothing will happen. I often wonder how it is that after all I've been through, I find the strength to try again. I'm going to get it right eventually. I'm just looking forward to that time. I'm too competitive to give up!



aspiemike
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23 Mar 2013, 3:53 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
I may be oversimplifying the OP's post, but I sorta see it as the whole "Live in the present moment," philosophy vs. dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This makes a lot of sense & is decent advice.

Plus it's been proven in behavioural studies that those who are most often thinking about whatever it is they're doing in the present moment vs. thinking about something else, past or future, are happiest.

"Be present," is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given by anyone.


You nailed it. I have observed for myself that this is essentially what makes me happy.

Another point though is when you do feel pain, don't let it control you either. A point that was kind of brought up in the article posted by ILoveMyAspie.



aspiesandra27
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23 Mar 2013, 4:14 pm

I think it's a common trait for Aspies to think about the future a lot. I don't even like to go out without knowing exactly where I am going, and what I am going to do. Anxiety gets the best of me if an unexpected version of the event occurs.

So, as much as I would love to just live in the present, it is extremely difficult to do so.

But any tips in how to change this are hugely appreciated! :)



aspiemike
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23 Mar 2013, 4:20 pm

aspiesandra27 wrote:
I think it's a common trait for Aspies to think about the future a lot. I don't even like to go out without knowing exactly where I am going, and what I am going to do. Anxiety gets the best of me if an unexpected version of the event occurs.

So, as much as I would love to just live in the present, it is extremely difficult to do so.

But any tips in how to change this are hugely appreciated! :)


Being present is best practiced around other people and socializing. Try it in that avenue.



nessa238
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23 Mar 2013, 8:50 pm

Having a bad memory serves well for not living in the past plus having CBT Therapy which teaches you that if you think bad thoughts you will feel bad so why do it. You just need to be caught up in doing something you enjoy or something you're having to focus fully on on to be totally in the present or 'in flow' as it's called.

Also to help get over someone writing out your thoughts can help a lot.