Mentioning AS / HFA to significant other - did / would you?

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I am interested in soliciting others' views on whether it is a bad idea to discuss with boyfriend / girlfriend / partner any diagnosis?

I'm late 20's - although I have an AS diagnosis, I refused to accept it for a long time, and often think it is probably very mild - but sometimes evidence from my behavior and others' responses to it, indicate that I've been seen as atypical. Been with b/f 5 months - this is unusual for me as most previous relationships have been mostly f*** buddies, deteriorated due to lack of interest (from me), or destructive (guys in positions of power (college Professors, work supervisors etc) and people with raging addictions etc). I like this guy more than any others - he is stable and I trust him.

I have not made any mention of AS. The reasons I am wondering about it are (i) a couple of times when upset he has said I am ambivalent / difficult to read - I guess this is AS-related, as I felt I'd made it very clear that I care about him, (ii) I know that I respond VERY badly to being asked "personal" questions and other than physical intimacy, I am afraid of getting close or making myself in any way emotionally vulnerable (?available?) - I panic and shut down (iii) being around him (more time than I spent with anyone outside my family probably ever) highlights I maybe do have some unusual attitudes to social interactions, an atypical sense of humour etc. If I've noticed, then I wonder if he has?

So I can't really say I want to bring it up, but if it came up later down the line then I'm not sure he'd take it well - we've had discussions about lying (mutually agreed it is not good) and omitting (I think this is fine - unless you directly question me, I will omit). It doesn't seem necessary to me to discuss as we are getting on ok, but I'd appreciate others' views - Thanks.

I totally understand about not revealing your AS to others, such as potential employers, etc. Your privacy is to be respected and to your discretion about whether you wish to disclose or not. This decision is based upon your choice of profession, your colleagues, etc. From what I've learned (mostly via the Wrong Planet) Aspies often think their Asperger's characteristics (which are ironically often great qualities! but are apt to being misunderstood) are so prominently noticeable that disclosure would be necessary. That may not be true. Those differences are mainly personal and therefore hidden from outsiders. Really, we have over-emphasised the role of others (e.g. supervisors), giving them too much power regarding something they know nothing at all about. Disclosure is only as good as whom you're disclosing it to. Employers basically just care about productivity (and the rest is extraneous). Hence problems can occur.

Anyway, this is the L&D forum and you asked about your bf. That's completely different (he's not your employer ). You need to tell him. If he is someone you will be sharing your life with, then he deserves to know you. We deal with partners on a 1:1 intimate basis. As I understand, the goal is know each other. No partner needs to know all personal details; that's not necessary. For example: I stole a turtle from a mall when I was a teenager (please do not ask) and did not tell my male-friend because it's extraneous! But your own personality, your identity, you do need to tell.

If it's been five months, you need to tell him. That's not something you'd want to omit if you want to further the relationship.

Yeah, I agree. He might considering the omission to be disingenuous, which I am sure you do not intend. Because he already loves you, he'll understand.

Ok. Thank you both for confirming that. Does anyone have any suggestion of how? I don't disclose diagnoses to anyone (with exception of my sister), and wouldn't want to sound like I was making an issue out of it / asking for attention / excusing behavior (which I don't think is too extreme anyways).

Thanks.

I'm NT, but I can tell you how I was told. It was via email (because that's how we communicated mostly) and I was first sworn to secrecy. It was explained to me that I would be the only one in this state aside from family that would know. He gave me a brief explanation of what AS/HFA is and then provided some links so I could do some research. He then explained how it affected him. After that, he asked me if I had any questions. That was it. We talked about it briefly and that was that! I told him it didn't matter to me and that he was the same person on that day that he was the day before.

If you're serious about the relationship, you have to put it out there.

How far in did he tell you? do you have a recommendation on how far in should it be revealed?

I think it was about 5 months.

I think when you reach the point where you want to further develop the relationship would be a good time.

that's when I thought it would be appropriate. thanks for confirming that.

I agree w/ the others here; it's time to tell him and work on things together vs. your AS traits potentially driving him away. If he cares about you, it won't be thaaat big of deal as he's already gotten to know you quite well. It might help out a lot as he won't wonder why you're acting a certain way, he'll know & understand.

As for what I bolded in the quote above, this - pretty much this, as I've experienced in both ways with the same friend. Granted, not a significant other, but a very close friend of mine. I only figured out my own AS 6 months ago, and my friend (that I've known for 2 1/2 years or so) has been very cool about it. He was only annoyed by a few obsessive AS things I was doing for a short while last Summer, no big deal since I've stopped doing them. Anyways, I knew he was a tolerant accepting person, but really knew it once I got to know the real me better and realized how I am. I've since worked on myself some and have a clearer better mind, and have learned a lot about AS. A lot. Enough to now realize & know with certainty that my close friend is also ASD & that's specifically why we've clicked as friends as well as we have, with mutual special interests. While he's not fully accepting of it yet at this point, I can see numerous traits in him presently and throughout his whole life from stories I've heard.. and you know what it changes? Dick all nothing. I still have the same, or greater, appreciation for him as a friend in my life, & based on that I can see how his opinion of me hasn't changed any, either. Mind you, knowing about both myself and him and ASD in general has given me a new and better perspective of our interactions, and has made me a bit of a better friend for it I believe. In some ways I feel like I have a social/communication advantage over him and want him to learn these things so he gets the same benefits I've been learning vs. me feeling like I can manipulate our friendship by having a higher level understanding of both myself and him. I just can't be that self serving, so I hope he comes around to learning these things in time. But yeah, it's changed nothing for the negative - he's still one of my closest friends & I hope always is, but I do think both of us knowing fully will benefit not only our friendship, but our lives individually, too. That's why I hope he comes around to the idea of learning about ASD, not to change anything about himself outwardly, but to better cope & deal with the internal anxieties or social situations with others where our quirks may not be as easily accepted as we accept them in each other.

It was just nice to read someone else sorta state the same thing & I had to respond to it, and share this bit of my story that I hope someone out there finds helpful.

well my BPD fiance was aware of it because we met in therapy group. She actually liked me BECAUSE it allowed me to understand her problems better.

the one before her though was able to piece the information together for herself before I told her, I admitted that I was on spectrum, though not diagnosed as having Aspergers when she confronted me about it, and then she basically dumped me because of it, since "Aspies are all creepers" in her words.. even though I'd done nothing the least bit untoward or "Creepy" as long as she only knew me Online. It only began to be a problem when we started hanging out in person.

I plan to stick with this MO in the future though.. If they aren't knowledgeable enough to use detective work to figure it out.. I don't intend to tell them. I'd rather they feel it was an affected thing rather than something I had no control over. But Ultimately if they come out and ask me, I won't lie to them about it.

I get where you're coming from. But for me, him telling me made a difference. I didn't love him any more or less, but it put all the pieces together for me. I had just come to accept that it was an "affected thing" and was okay with that. I was raised to be accepting of everyone. So it didn't bother me. I just figured I had to 'learn' him and I was interested and patient enough so that's what I planned to do. But knowing about his ASD allowed me to do my research and learn how to understand him the best way I could. He would do/say things that would leave me baffled. Although none of his actions deterred me. I just pursued him even more. But every now and again those baffling moments had me second guessing myself. After finding out, he'd do/say something and I wouldn't even give it a second thought. Now if one of my NT friends did some of the same things, I'd be pissed off or hurt.

I think it gave him a deeper appreciation of me as well. He had never told anyone because back where he used to live, when people found out they would treat him differently. I didn't change. I treated him the same way I always had. Every now and again I would forget and he had to remind me. But what was great is that he was able to remind me. With anyone else he'd have to 'play it off' and try to change the subject. But with me we could talk about it every now and again. I think that may have been a relief for him to be able to be open with at least one person. He'd make a comment and say "well you know why".

I know it's a personal choice, but if that person loves you enough, it wont matter. It can only bring you closer.

Unfortunately not everyone is as nice as you...

My boyfriend told me through email after knowing him maybe two days. I'm so glad he did, because it really helped establish things much better. I think it would have been extremely difficult had he told me later, it really helps explain some miscommunications. I can understand being timid about disclosing it, but if he cares about you, such a conversation will more than likely strengthen the relationship. I had never even heard of AS before. I did a lot of reading, asked him a lot of questions, and admit I was cautious bc I didn't know him that well. Since you have been with him some time and trust him, you would be helping him to understand you better, and that's a good thing. I can't imagine how confused I'd be if he never told me

My boyfriend told me through email after knowing him maybe two days. I'm so glad he did, because it really helped establish things much better. I think it would have been extremely difficult had he told me later, it really helps explain some miscommunications. I can understand being timid about disclosing it, but if he cares about you, such a conversation will more than likely strengthen the relationship. I had never even heard of AS before. I did a lot of reading, asked him a lot of questions, and admit I was cautious bc I didn't know him that well. Since you have been with him some time and trust him, you would be helping him to understand you better, and that's a good thing. I can't imagine how confused I'd be if he never told me