Dont know whats going to happen..kind of letting it go 4 now

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Its been a LONG time since I posted..

Hi guys! I was the one when I first started dating nine months ago, that I was concerned my SO was an Aspie. He had all kinds of evaluations done and hated it. I dont blame him. He was like 13 at the time and we did not know much about it 20 years ago.

I noticed little things like no being able to eat pizza unless he put it in the fridge for 30 minutes..hates long sleeves...makes noises when he drives. To me that didnt bother me. I loved him more for it.

Then we started to have communication problems. Bad ones. He would do things that just werent cool by any standard. And when I got upset he told me I was being trivial. I felt to him if something made sense to him, it automatically became law.

I would ask him nicely to stop he would tell me how stupid I was being and did what I asked him not to do..Then I would get mad, he would laugh at me, do a mock impersonation of me which I would make me angrier and I yell more, hed yell, Id yell and then hed call me crazy.

We would be holed up for weeks at a time in his parents house. Could not get him to work, would not share expenses..his money was his money and my money was our money. He would sit and play video games for hours at a time never being motivated to do anything..

Im like I cant do this..I am a highly emotional person with my own issues..so his lack of emotion and my overabundance of emotion was like oil and water.

Then his family got involved..They would be kind to me..then I recieved a text from someone that was meant for someone else that held me in a very bad light...I began to see what was going on.

He then told me that I had to PROVE myself to his family and when I told him it should be about us, that our business is not theirs, I caught hell for it.

So I persuaded him to go to couples counseling..We would have great talks in there..talk on the way home...I thought we were getting somewhere..and then he would go back to all the things he was doing before. Granted..I was in a bad state at the time. My mom died three months ago. I was the only one there who saw it through to the end. It wasnt a pretty picture to see. I have dealt with death but she did not go peacefully in the least..I broke down in front of him because I guess the PTSD just caught up to me. I never cried a single tear before that. I absorbed myself into the details of putting her to rest that i shut off my emotion and against my will they came out.

He looked at me and said IM sorry..Ive been a complete jerk. and then rubbed my leg. I thought things were going to be ok..

Then we were supposed to go to couples counseling for thirty days, reevaluate the situation and then I would go visit a friend in TENN. I momentarily blocked all the people who would take my venting personal on social networking to see my posts because I knew it would be a mess.

They got my email from him and started more problems. And Immediately did not reply and showed the messages to him. He then told me, " Well they some points" I just look at him like "are u stupid?"

wed talk somet more..hed say yah you're right..then the next day punish me and tell me how evil I was..and to complicate matters..after he belittle me and Id start to cry, " Hed come over and try to touch me..Im like no..you tell me how evil I am then you want to touch me? Thats abusive.

I finally told him to tell me the truth...I asked him if he wanted counseling..he paused for a second and said, " You MIGHT be worth it." I lost it so my dad took the phone and try to calmly talk us down. He got off the phone and he said, " I dont know why you're blaming yourself..I dont even get what he wants..how can you?

Well my dad took the whole night and talked to me and told me I couldnt wait the thirty days...I needed to get a away before I got seriously ill..that these things will be there when I get back so I left.

I also had a conversation with him and he said he has wondered for years if he had Aspergers. I told him I had no intention of behavior modifiying him..I just need us to both be honest about this because honesty about the elephant in the room allows me to learn how to approach him in a way he'll understand. We are all unique people and thats whats great about people. No two people alike. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum..so people have to approach me in a different way as well.

My dad keeps telling me this absence is a make or break..That either hes going to be glad Im gone or hell miss me and want me back. Ive also been told that Absence makes the heart grow founder for me..but it lessens for women. Im seriously thinking about staying here permanently. I have spent years as a special needs nanny who has dealt with all aspects of ASD. I am very realistic to the fact that its very hard for people who have these disorders to get away from what is comfortable to them. I really dont think hes capable of feeling. So whats the point in pursuing this further?

Im just letting it go for a while. This is the first time in my life, that I dont have the answers, I dont have everything planned..Its driving me insane but its what needs to be

So why write it in the Love & Dating section?

Im just trying to relate after all Love and dating involves relationships..

Dont read into something thats not there

You've read it before, and probably seen it yourself and will probably realize this with your current situaton: relationships with Aspies are tough. They sometimes don't know what to take seriously, and take the smallest things seriously. And honesty seems to be a crapshoot from Aspie to Aspie: some want honesty and others will only be honest when it benefits them.

I would think he needs to learn what needs to be taken seriously and figure out in which way he needs to be honest with you.

thank you..I think hes pretty much in denial with everything

I'm kind of speculating here & could be off base~
Does the couples counselor know that he's an Aspie & have experience with AS? If the counselor doesn't have much experience with AS the counselor could be misinterpreting him & is expecting things that won't work for him which would probably make him feel like he's being ganged up on. I get the impression that you expect/want things from him that he is not willing or can not give like him being alone to play video-games & having motivation problems with working; he may have problems finding or maintaining employment due to his issues & he could be very discouraged or really feel/believe that he can not handle it. You telling him to stop certain things probably comes off to him as you mothering & nagging which could be causing him to rebel & argue & insult & meltdown. He is dependent & has overprotective parents due to his issues. He could be very frustrated by all the problems & feeling like he's being picked-on/blamed for them which could cause him to go into denial mode & blame you so he can avoid being hurt. It may help if you & him would see an AS specialist & developed some better communication skills & tried to be more supportive with him. This may also be a case of him being a real jerk or him not being ready or able to handle a serious relationship in which case you should leave.

If you haven't picked up by now, but there are people here that do not read between the lines. So I don't know why you are writing that. Feels a bit narcissistic to me.

im not a narc...far from it and you are reading into something that isnt even there. instead of jumping on me..realize someone just wants an ear..


nick, the more i think about it, its both..we did tell our couples counselor about it and she has been working on a better sense of communication with that but thats all he will agree to do..and then with that, he only tells her what she wants to hear, then goes back to being the same broken record..he will not and absolutely refuses to go to any individualized person that can teach him about AS. We only had a few sessions and now is claiming that counseling is a waste of his time. She really has been feeling us both out, with she is feeling us out, shes working with us to the best of her abilities until she can get a complete picture of whats going on..No different than individual counseling..they just dont solve anything in the first couple of sessions.

I have been supportive as he will allow me to be. He even said that past relationship has caused him to shut off and that he kind of did that when he met me..Why he continued with me? I dont know

I can see where he feels he was ganged up on..I am feeling it too. But..If he cant handle these things..he really should not be dating. I mean can he really expect someone to not have boundaries about what they will and will not tolerate? Awefully one sided..He doesnt get that you dont get involved with exes when you're with someone else even if you find something thats comforting in them. Telling him to stop is not some dumb thing like you left the toilet seat up again, it's serious things. In which when he makes up his mind..and things its perfectly sensible to him, all others can take a flying leap.

Like I said before, I am supportive with what he gives me. He talked one night and he said, " I dont know what makes me do this..but I get really upset when you miss appointments. I know its dumb..people do it all the time..but it just makes my emotions go hay wire and I cant calm down."

Im like WHOA? You have held this in for nine months. Why didnt you tell me? Of course! I deal in my job with special needs all the time. And I was like SURE tikes...If its bothering you I will defiently do my best to make sure I dont miss anymore and if I do need to, give them aduqate time to reschedule.

But thats pretty much all the glimpse into his mind hell allow me to have..

Thats the AS part..then this is where the jerk comes in..That he will use very unhealthy defense mechanism rather than admitting hes a little scared at what is going inside his head. He can be down right mean and abusive.

I am all for working with him and better understanding his AS but if hes in a relationship, he realisitically can not expect someone to live in his parents house and not do the things adults do because he doesnt know how to deal with his AS.

I think the key here that is this can be saved..is for him to confront the AS. It would help our communication trememdously..not for him to be a better communicator..but for ME to better communicate to him but if he insists on leaving the elephant in the room, I feel nothing will ever get accomplished.

I so appreciate your insight into him..that anger seems to be a cover up for being scared...When someone is angry...you tend to take it personal. This has given me a whole new look on things thanks