Aspie Burnout- how best to be supportive?

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My aspie boyfriend is on an absolute burnout and system overload. I have never seen him like this. We have decided that rather than him attempt to work through it while living with us (me, our daughter and my son) he will be getting his own place. He says he hopes we can go back to being a family at some point. I am fully supportive of the decision to move out as I know he has been trying unsuccessfully to resolve it while staying.

I just don't know how best to be supportive during this time. I understand that I can't fix it for him or speed it along. I just need some input from those who process his way on what would be helpful to you.

He is currently still at home and asked that I just "be normal" and I have been. I have not taken offense when he is short with me and when he says "I can't focus" usually due to him trying to do something while our 2 1/2 year old is being loud, I ask her if she would like to play with me in the other room... very casually. We are steady as he is looking for a place. He seems somewhat better since the decision has been made but it is still clear to me and him too that he needs this time alone.

When he moves he has asked I drop her off with him before work so he can take her to the sitter so we will be face to face 5 days a week for a minute or two. I know I will need to follow his lead and pay attention to his requests.. but would you want a random text? How often... once a day every three or four days? We have been eating Paleo since January and we each try out new recipes.. should I bring him a sample if something turns out well? ( I mean when I am droping her off not making a special trip out)

I am an affectionate nurturing person and when all this started and before I knew he was burned out I would send him loving supportive emails and text and now I realize that just overwhelmed him more. I want to be supportive and not make this period worse on him.. I just don't know what the right things to do are. I know what not to do... many many text/emails.. nothing long.. nothing that puts pressure on like I love you.. or when do you want to come over etc. (he said he wants to still come see us and make dinner sometimes) but what would help YOU? What would YOU find helpful in this situation?

You two need to find a family therapist with AS knowledge. Moving out for a while isn't going to fix whatever his issue is. He should be learning coping mechanisms not practicing avoidance.

With respect to the increased likelihood that your daughter will show signs of AS, I'd suggest you make time or set a routine to try & get things 'back to normal', even if that's not really in the cards for you personally. My parents separating certainly didn't help me with my Aspergers, so I believe any kind of cohesive family is important to those on the spectrum - furthermore, your boyfriend needs to see his kids! The more he interacts with them, the better his food for thought.

I agree with Geekonycus that he is just avoiding because he feels stressed and a bit unhappy since I read about the other post of the troubles. Before he decided to move, did he always complain about the noise? Are there other things about being in the house that would stress him? Did you guys talk about what can be changed at the house to better fit him?(Just curious, I know you said you tried to make it better but did you ask him what he specifically needed?) Also, did he give you a main reason for his stress or it's just an assumption? In addition, maybe he wants to remove himself from situation as best he can I think texts would not let him think about things on his own.

This is my thinking^^^

What if he decides after moving out that he likes that living situation better? That's not good.

While I can empathize with your boyfriend.........

He's a father and needs to take responsibility for himself. While it's great that you're being understanding and accomidating to him, he's using it as an excuse to abdicate himself from his duties and avoid taking the real (admittedly difficult) steps towards improvement. Aspie or not, his behavior is selfish and unfair to both you and your kids.

Last edited by Geekonychus on 11 Apr 2013, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wrote a longer post with the details of the situation. I do not feel he is trying to avoid things. There have been a lot of things thrown at him surprise pregnancy, both losing our jobs, career issues, financial issues on top of him really wanting a family but never having one he is having to learn how to work all this out. So many other little things but added on top of each other it has become too big. I have never seen him like this. He normally does really well with things.

My son is AS also. I do understand the importance of routine. Neither my BF or I see signs of AS in her at this point but only time will tell. Regardless, routine is important and we will do all we can to make that happen. And I would never keep his child from him. He is a good man and a good dad.

I am here to find ways to support this time in his life not distroy him or hurt him in any way. I do hope in time we can be a family again but regardless I want the very best for him. I know he fears I will keep her from him but I have assured him over and over I never would. I have told him he can keep his house key and can come and go as he wishes. I am not kicking him out and he is not leaving in anger.

I am not mad at him or angry about the situation. I have been very supportive. I do not see this as a bad thing in our life. It is just time for him to take care of himself and he feels he needs some time alone to do it. He doesn't want to end our relationship he just wants to seperate for a while. If he were NT I would never be ok with it. But I fully understand he just needs this right now and I am 100% supportive.

It is difficult for me to convey all of the information and not get long winded. For 3 1/2 years he has done well in coping. Our life has been great. I don't know how to express the difference between "normal" and now without a really long post.

He is taking responsibility for her. We have a preliminary plan in place and when he get someplace to live we will work out the details.

I do appreciate all of the responses, but I truly feel I have a grasp of what we are going through. I am looking for advice not on what to do about what we are going through but how to show support during this time.

If you were to accept the situation as acceptable... While going through something like this what would you find supportive. A short text once a day... every few days... a treat randomly... etc... I just don't want to say I am giving you space to work things out... then turn around and make him feel I am in his face all the time. He has also said he doesn't want me to ignore him... I just have difficulty with too much/not enough.. I want to be supportive not smothering is all.

If I were to accept the situation...and he asks me to text...then every few days(Just enough to give him space). I would like to add as a final note that I am also in an AS-NT relationship of long-standing years. My situation is different because we don't live with each other yet(Not ready for all that and college too). But, I do know that sometimes there are burnouts from boths sides. Sometimes I need space and sometimes he does. That's all great, but if we lived together and he would want to go through the hassle of moving out for a "burnout', I would not accept that. If he wants time alone, he can have that at the house. If I need time alone , same thing with allowing them to feel at peace there. But to go and move out is gone way too far. I would think to myself, what if he burns out again and again? Would he leave every time? Would he always keep doing this? You say you accept it because he is AS, but I wouldn't accept it be it from NT or AS. I would get therapy in the least. But I hope things go well and he can recover from his burnout.

I have to agree with this. And I know you said you want to hear from people on how to cope but what I think folks here are saying is that they just wouldn't go for it.

Well.. I have gotten good advice every other time I have posted here. I was hopeful. I guess either it will work or it won't. Hopefully I will be back again and posting about how these relationships can work and how we got through it. I get what people are saying. I am not trying to be in denial. I just truly believe this is best. I will figure out what helps as we work through it I guess.

If nothing else I learned a better way to communicate across the board. I have become a happier calmer person because I learned to understand my own feelings in fact not all emotional... Got my long wanted baby girl and how to better communicate with my Aspie son. With everything else time will tell.

You never know what you're going to get when you put a thought out there. Just because it's not what you want to hear doesn't mean it's not good advice. With that said,only you know what's best for you. You have to live with your decisions not us. I try to be real with everyone. It comes from a good place. I would never BS anyone and I think that's where we're all coming from. I'm sure this is a difficult situation for you. Let us know how it works out.

I know -_- I don't mean to be over sensitive. I know everyone always tries to share good advice here. i really do. This has been so overwhelming. There was nothing to indicate an issue until a month ago. Usually when I look back I can see signs. Bit I still can't see this. The whole thing is like a new person has moved in and I am just really thrown. I am not a stupid person and I have never been the type who was not realistic... even in my own life.

It was just as we were going through all this I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me... Until this solution came up. After that I felt a sense of peace and calm. Like this was the right thing to do. I just wanted to do the supportive things on my part. If he were an NT guy I would just flat ignore him and go in with my life. But I don't want to do more damage by doing the wrong things

Has anyone suggested that instead of moving away (which may do more harm than good) - what about some kind of quiet-room? A den, man-cave, basement... something where he can have a safe and quiet place to escape to in times of overload.

This would be in addition to some kind of family counseling. (Hope you guys get a good one... a bad counselor is worthless at best!)

I'm sorry, I can't help that much. I am actually one of the rare less affected aspies. Kind of a double edged sword if you ask me, can't tell when I am showing my asperger's characteristics almost 80% of the time, but on the other hand can show social courage and make friends easier. Burnouts? Sorry, the best advice I have is make sure he knows you want to have him back in your house, as a family and as your children's father. Maybe clear some space in a storage room for an office, somewhere he can recharge. As one of those less affected, I would never want to snap in front of my kids, it has happened in my dad's second marriage (and most likely the first), and it produced even a fear in my younger siblings eyes. Tell him his kids want him back, and for him to be happy, let him know how lucky he is to be an aspie with his own children and a wonderful girlfriend like you, and I'm sure he will come around. Get married too, not suggesting I don't know that would make him even more stressed, being a more severe case of asperger's and all, but show him you know you love him ok? I may be one less affected by asperger's, but my own dad has had his burnouts, and may have his own more severe case of undiagnosed asperger's. Actually, for your future reference into what your children are viewing in him right now, I looked at him as a drunk and a coward but he is my father and I would never stop loving him. Try to keep your kids understanding what is going on with daddy and make sure they are not afraid, as a man with experience, I know the children are the most vulnerable in this situation.

Ah BlueMax.. a familiar person he said he has been trying to do this for months. You gave such good advice on my very first post on this site and on so many topics we have both followed.

We rent a house and there really isn't a place for him to be alone. When I have seen him getting stressed I take our daughter out for the day. I can not tell you how long it has been since I have had ne time. My son isn't really an issue you don't even know he is here. All of this seems to have happened when he started working on this indi film. They shoot all night long and he doesn't function well with no sleep. It was supposed to be done in March... He is still shooting. It needs to end.

The reason I am ok with him going.. no matter how much it breaks my heart is that I have never seen him so angry and distressed. He is a very passive man.. though he got angry the one time I said that to him lol.

There is something going on. I just want to support what he is going through. I know he will not go to therapy because he was sent to so many as a child. He doesn't trust them. I suspect he has been practicing yoga and meditation.. he has not hidden it well bit seems to not want to share it. We are in our 40's and he has had nothing but bad experiences with relationships and lack of support so I understand his hesitation.

Seriously... at this point I just want to wake up in July .. by then I will know something.

Last edited by LoriB on 12 Apr 2013, 5:01 am, edited 1 time in total.