When YOU realise you are in an AS/AS relationship...

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...but the other half apparently hasn't.

I'm 17, and as you probably imagined from my presence on this forum and the title of this thread I have AS. I've known about it since early childhood and spent the majority of my puberty trying in vain to 'normalise' and fit in. I had no success in this endeavour for a long time, but for the past few years I have become quite good at interacting with NTs and appearing fairly normal. I'm taken as 'weird', but I have a decent group of friends who don't seem to mind that so I get on fine. It's gotten to the point where I think I can be taken for an NT, just with an 'extravagant' personality. I think hitting college has helped because there is less of the stupid competitive atmosphere that there is in Secondary...

In November I met a very pretty girl and we got on incredibly well - so well that within a month of meeting we were together. Yay.

It's been going fairly well so far, and as I've been getting to know her I've realised that she has AS just like me. I'm not sure if she is more 'extreme' than I am or if she doesn't mask her symptoms as much, but she is definitely an Aspie. She displays all the symptoms - disregard of eye contact, misunderstanding of social situations/NTs etc., obsessions, stimming.... You get the picture, I won't bore you with the whole list because I am 100% certain. A little while ago I sent her a message about it; 'I've made some observations....' and a list of symptoms, finished by 'any observations of your own to make? :p'. The only response was a 'well done sherlock' - a confirmation, but nothing of it has been said since.

Thing is, we have never talked about this. She has occasionally described one of her symptoms to me in clear details (a good example being 'I need you to be clear with me because I just don't get sarcasm') and I have dropped similar hints but I don't know if she got them and we have never explicitly mentioned AS. For some reason, I find it really, really difficult to talk about with people who aren't my parents or childhood helper (woman who was employed to help me with AS during primary school, looking back I owe her more than I realised...). Whilst writing this I've actually realised that I have never discussed my AS with another aspie. I suppose it's probably a defence mechanism; I seem to have spent my whole life trying to mask it after all... I think it doesn't help that I'm not the best initiator either.

In an attempt to start a conversation on the matter I left a copy of Tony Attwood's 'Aspergers Syndrome' by my bedside last time I invited her to my house. For those who do not know, it's a fairly large book with 'ASPERGER'S SYNDROME' written in bold print on the front cover - not exactly subtle! She made no remark on it, even when I asked her later if she had noticed anything in my room. I am not sure if this means she legitimately did not see the book or just isn't comfortable discussing it...

This makes the job of discussing it all the more difficult. I don't know if talking so openly about her AS will make her uncomfortable (obviously the opposite of what I want to do), which added to my own difficulties makes it a pretty daunting task. I definitely want her to know about this, it seems like it can only be a good thing if she understands me better and knows that I will understand her as well. Does anybody have any knowledge they can give me here? Both on actual methods of discussing and the implications of an AS/AS relationship which ought to be discussed. It would be nice to hear from some people who have had similar relationships and what kind of difficulties to look out for in general and what kind of thing works/doesn't... I'm sure you get my drift. I'm just so stuck with how to approach this situation at the moment!

Thankyou all
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Beware of trying to "diagnose" other people, no matter how many Tony Attwood books you own (they're not equivalent to a psychiatrical medical career).

If you want to talk to other sufferers, do it with people who are diagnosed or self-identified. Suggesting to this person that she might have a chronic medical condition is potentially either very offensive or life-altering information.

If you're just wanting to confess to her that you yourself have AS, then do so. If she didn't respond to the book placement then she's probably oblivious and doesn't care either way.

A few comparable scenarios playing out in my life right now.

I'm 30 & only realized my own AS 6 months ago and have since read that book, and a couple others, and a lot online etc and am figuring things out.

I now also see it in many of my family members. Some of them are pretty open to it, others still very closed minded and in denial because they think if they admit there's something different about them that they're admitting there's something horribly wrong with them and that they'll be labeled etc etc - irrational illogical fears driven by their own anxiety symptoms. I'm taking a slower approach to getting them to learn and accept things. I finally convinced my older brother to read Tony's book in order to see if he sees in his son what I and our mother see. What he doesn't know that I know is that as he reads it, he'll not only see what we see in my nephew, but I know that he'll realize these things about himself, too. It's impossible that he won't. I don't expect him to be all that ecstatic about it lol but I do expect that in time he'll slowly come to terms with it, and then hope that he asks me what else I've learned and what he can learn/do next. It's been about two weeks since he picked up the copy of the book I had here for him when I was out and I haven't seen him, so, he might not have even started reading.. or he could have read it in a couple evenings. I don't know yet. Time will tell.

While figuring out my own AS and reading that book, I was discussing it with a friend of mine on a weekly basis when I went to work for him and his wife's shop, especially since he's attended his first couple of levels of medical school and has a clue about health/medicine etc. After a while, he began saying things like "but I do that.." and asked me if he might have it. At the time I said ADHD maybe, but ASD? I don't think so. Then over the months as I learned more and my own clarity of mind improved, I began picking up on more and more of his traits and had to bring it up with him.. especially since I've gone from functioning worse than him to better. He's open to reading/learning and eventually will, too, and then I think he'll be better able to sort himself out and get on with his life & business(es) better than he's managed with much less stress for his efforts once he has a better comprehension of himself and how to manage himself. He took a few Saturdays off in a row and I worked with his wife instead - and guess what I noticed over the past ~month? She has AS traits herself. I've noticed the vocal prosody and several behavioural things, as well as stories from him about her behaviour at times. I truly believe I now know them to be an AS-AS couple where neither one of them have been aware of it their entire lives. I haven't told him I think this, as as much as it would be efficient to just blurt it out - it wouldn't be effective if the message isn't received. Again I'm taking the slow route and letting things unfold as they may. Eventually someone I know will have finished reading Tony's book and I can pass a copy to him (I've bought 3 copies so far, and there are many more people in my extended family & life that need to read it, so I might end up buying more if these folks are slow readers about it.), then he'll read it and realize all of these traits we've talked about do in fact add up to the sum of Asperger's & then once he's aware of what they are he'll begin picking up on these things in his wife, too, especially if he gains the clarity of mind that I've managed for myself by literally improving neurological functions from the lows they were at. All in due time, I just have to be patient with this one.

Annnnd, one of my closest friends ever. Even as I read the book & learned about myself I didn't see his ASD traits or profile. We've been AS-AS best friends w/ mutual special interests for the last 2 1/2 years or so and neither of us realized it. Now one of us does. I tried talking to him about it a month or so ago and it did not go well.. I received a text-book autistic monologue rant about it, however, since I had the presence of mind to know exactly why he reacted how he did, I was able to conclude the conversation on a good note and not have any anger or anything left lingering. We haven't really discussed it since, but I have made notes on paper about as many of his ASD traits as I can remember, as well as about ones that I'm only aware of due to him or his family sharing stories about his life. Everything fits perfectly to ASD. I know it. But I still haven't re-approached the topic with him yet. I intend to when the timing is right, and will be sure to elaborate on why I want him to know - because I want him to have the same benefits of knowing & advantages of learning that I'm gaining for myself, and because I don't want to feel like I have a communication advantage over him and an ability to manipulate him if I wanted to, and a few other personal reasons. I was over at his place a few nights ago hanging out with him and his dad. When he was out of the room, I was chatting with his dad about myself & various diagnoses - including ASD - as well as treatments and some medical things because his father is a Naturopathic Doctor. His dad was semi-surprised to hear my list of coexisting afflictions, but quite surprised to hear me say Autism. Clearly, lol as he can't possibly know the traits if he doesn't know his own son has it. One thing I intentionally did was point out a couple of unique ASD traits such as the prosody of my voice and gait to my step, and then mentioned that it's many other things, internal thought processes, sensory things etc and I know I do them as I've read books about them that describe it perfectly. I intentionally mentioned my voice & my walk because my friend, his son, has both of these traits along with many more. I'm not sure he'll have picked up on my voice exactly, or my walk, but if he thinks about these things he might notice them in his son.. and if he doesn't think about them, when I do manage to tell him/them these things, it'll make clearer sense to him when he can hear it/see it and go "oh yeah... you mentioned that about yourself, too..." I was very temped to say something to the effect of me not being the only one of the two of us that's on the spectrum w/ regards to my friend, but I didn't because again while it may have been efficient - there's a certain social protocol that needs to be followed and people need time to absorb things, come to terms with them, accept them and be open to learning about them and so forth. In time I'll disclose what I know to be true to my friend, possibly in the form of a written letter, and let things sink in for him first and foremost before bringing it to the attention of his parents - or let him do that if/when he wants to. I'll have to ask him at that point what his wishes are about it, but he's pretty open with his family so I'd imagine it'll become a household conversation for them when the time is right. I'd like for that time to be NOW for everyone, but he's managed to get along pretty well in life for all of these years so far and has developed some pretty amazing coping mechanisms, so taking it a little slower and letting things happen as they need to vs. forcing the information upon them quickly is a-okay. It's hard to keep my mouth shut, but it's for the better that I do for a little while longer and deliver my message in a way that will be much more likely to be positively received vs. ignored or worse yet ignites some anger towards me.

Soooo, do tell her, I GET wanting to.. but slow your roll a little and try to match the pace at which she can accept hearing about it & accepting it. Just enjoy each others company as you always have vs. trying to expedite this conversation. In the grand scheme of life, if this chat happens today or 3 months from now, is it going to change much? Probably not. If it takes 3 months of waiting patiently and dropping the odd subtle hint here and there, then so be it, that's what it takes. Plus it's great practice at being a lot more NT about the process, IMO, which can serve you in other areas of communication and social interaction.

As for whether she noticed the book.. maybe, maybe not. She could have simply been oblivious to it as AS people can be.. or she noticed it and realized full well why you left it there, then your not so subtle comment confirmed it to her & she didn't want to deal with it at the moment so ignored you about it. Ease off a bit and have some patience, young grasshoppah.. everything will go smoother for it.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Yeah, this happened to me with my last boyfriend - to a T. He too did not know that he had AS, even if he was obviously suffering from it. When I suggested this to him (now I know I should not have), he stared me down and I promised myself not to speak of it again.

However, that was not the biggest problem. The real deal was - when concerning our approach to the relationship - that we both had the same issues and behavior. And we quickly found out that we couldn´t be together. So next time, when I want to be in a really working relationship, I will choose an NT for a partner.

Our oldest son was diagnosed first then I realized that I exhibit traits as does my husband. But he is taking time realizing it. Like others have mentioned - most people don't take the news well for some reason. Personally, it's like a weight being lifted off my chest for me. Now I understand my difficulties as to fitting in. I suspect your GF either knows she has it and doesn't want to discuss it (similar to how you feel, having not told anyone else other than you family and family aide) or she just doesn't see the connection at all. Maybe telling her point blank about your AS and specific behaviours/issues you have and experience - it might open the door for her to speak. Or... even do some recon work in the women's section about some of the more female traits and then mention you were on this site scanning the different forums purely for knowledge and learned such and such about women.

It can take some people a long time to accept that they are on the spectrum, I know acceptance for me was difficult at first because I didn't even know what the term meant. She could be completely oblivious to it in the way that I was, developing understanding is a trait that can really help but at the same time it may come across as judgemental so it is a difficult dilemma. Just try to accept her for who she is as an individual instead of getting lost in labels or terms, she seems to have some awareness about her symptoms which is good.

I met my ex boyfriends online. As I knew my first boyfriend, I discovered he may have AS traits. Then when I met my second boyfriend, it was online and I thought he could have it too because he seemed to have traits. He even took the aspie test and scored aspie on it. Then he claimed he went and got tested and they said he had it but couldn't make it official because they only diagnosed children. That was good enough for me to know he had it.

Then there is my husband and he was seeing a psychiatrist for SSDI and she told him he showed signs of autism and read a list of symptoms from the book. My husband wants to know nothing about it and won't bother to be tested further and doesn't want to use the money. Plus she told him it would take her a lot of sessions for her to know if he has it or not.

1.Generally speaking if someone doesn't want to talk about something they wont End of story.

2.If it really is that big of a deal to you then confess. By no means however will it add depth to the existing relationship unless she's secretly hiding an interest from you that she's avoiding talking about.

3.You've been dating for what? A month you say? Medical Records aren't everyone's favorite topic to discuss. If she wanted to discuss this with you she would probably bring it up out of her own volition.

4.Well done Sherlock was probably not an acknowledgement of your deductive reasoning.

5. Don't put too much energy into a relationship as it isn't an efficient placement of said energy and can often make energy overabundance. Examples too much attention bubble violation so on and so forth.

6. Everyone here is routing for you guy. Take it easy! You sound like you're excited about this which is great. Just keep enjoying what you have with this someone and don't sweat the small stuff!

7. Adding to note 6 criteria--->>> Asperger's. Its not a big deal. Really It isn't. Its fun to talk about for some people. And other then that. Its just subject matter nothing more.

My boyfriend and I are both Aspies but we're in a long distance relationship.

The person I've been seeing on and off for over a year comes across in an aspie way in some respects but in others not.

He goes on and on about stuff he's interested in and shows little interest in what I talk about and he's very selfish.

He doesn't talk about feelings and seems to enjoy winding me up on occasions

I thought he wasn't aspie as he doesn't appear to be vulnerable, more predatory

Do aspies readily exploit other people? ie try to get money out of them?

I thought this aspect of him indicated something more like sociopathy

He isn't interested in Aspergers and doesn't seem to identify with it when I've suggested he might have it

There is some kind of common ground between us though ie we're not neurologically the norm