So, I have dyspraxia (which is kind of on the spectrum), and many autistic traits, including lack of social awareness, and general social anxiety. I'm not quite as literal minded as some autistics are, but I have a set of addition issues to make up for it.
When I was in my early 20's no one bothered me with questions about why I have no girlfriend; excepting a few online things that went wrong as soon as I met the person in real life, or the occasional really obese girl (BMI 35+) who has shown interest but that I find physically repulsive. Not that I wish to make a moral judgement - I got very fat once before starving/walking 10 miles a day to lose it, it is just my instinctive reaction. But now I'm about 25, soon to be 26, and never having had a girlfriend, several people - mainly my family, and one friend of mine who is a fellow student on my Computer Science master's degree, which I am doing part time whilst working full time as a software developer - seem to have thought my single status as their business.
My parents and some members of my family in particular seem to make it into a moral issue. Most of them are morons of the kind who think that getting married young and having children/family is the most important part of life (my intellectual activities are more important to me, and I dislike children intensely). I wouldn't mind a girlfriend, and it is not as if I have refused the idea. To me it seems fairly obvious why I have none, my cripplingly poor social skills, my scruffiness (which I am oblivious too most of them time), and the fact that I am probably not very physically attractive - although I wouldn't know because no one has ever been objective about it, although reading through the lines of responses it is quite obvious I am not. It seems fairly clear that girls don't want anything to do with me, and yet they insist on making it a moral issue of my failure, my 'choice' to be single and so on. Without these kind of idiotic attitudes I could probably get used to the idea of being single permanently and find ways of reducing my sex drive, without having it rubbed in my face. But these kind of reactions make me obsessed. My mum has even gone so far to say she wishes it was like the 30s where she/the family could force me to settle down with someone (?!), so I didn't live such a 'driftless', 'pointless' life. My parents have determined that what I really need is someone to order me around, and organise my life and tell me what to do. I kind of wonder why on earth I am supposed to voluntarily want this, and feel morally bad for not wanting it? She even has gone as far, when some waitress seemed to be flirting (not that I would no, I was told afterwards), to say something along the lines of 'she's looking after you' - which seemed pretty damn creepy and embarrassed the hell out of me. This just sets obsessive thoughts off in my head. My dad - who I am pretty sure has something like aspergers, he has typical traits of that and has denied all throughout my life the existence of my dyspraxia/autism as excuses - also mentioned 'why don't you surprise your grandmother by not being a bachelor before she dies', or around Christmas 'do you ever plan on getting married'. To be honest I wish I could tell them to FO. But I used to rely on them and I would feel ungrateful to disconnect with them, and it could make my life worse in a lot of ways. I blame them somewhat though for many of the false illusions when I was younger, their social conservatism (or rather idiocy) meant they presented finding someone as something that just happens to anyone who wants it, and assuming that I must want x or y from live because that is What Normal People Do. I don't even want to go into how weird my parent's relationship is, suffice it to say it is one of the few things in the world I don't want to analyse.
The friend I mentioned before is less egregious in his approach, but it still has a sort of preaching quality to it. 'You reveal too much of your true self' - how can I not, seeing as I have no control of it for the most part IRL, and hiding it online was always a disaster - 'you will feel like your life is wasted at 30'. Any mention that I like a girl becomes an effort to try to get me to speak to her when I really don't want to, because I fear being abashed my inept attempts at making conversation. I sometimes wonder if these 'friends' of mine are just having a laugh at my expense by giving me false confidence. For their part they do say they have never met anyone who can talk themselves out of anything as much as I do, which is sort of at a piece with my obsessive nature.
I guess what I am saying is, why can't people see clearly why I will most like remain single (and why I have been), and just leave me be to reconcile myself with this, and instead just make me feel like crap for the sake of their own preconceived notions.
26 Apr 2013, 6:28 am
