Yet another, I'm in love with a man with Asperger's :) help!

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Hello everyone, I'm new to this site so apologies if I don't immediately adapt to the etiquette here. Also, I'm not sure if I have ASD but can relate to many patterns of thinking found in ASD. Or maybe its just my personality and not amenable to diagnosis/labelling. But hello anyway... .

I needed some perpective on a man and wondered if anyone could help me with an interpretation of his behaviours. I wish I could understand him better. I think he has feelings for me, but I cannot be sure.

Although very good at reading signs in people I am not attracted to, I have trouble when it comes to me and when I really have fallen for someone. This has been eating away at me for years. I am awkward myself when it comes to men

I am really in love with a man at work and have been so for 8 years. I love his gentle manner the most. We seem to have something between us but he never gives anything away! Just remains in touch with me, and hovers around me. So much so that I worry people will think we are a coiple. However, his behaviour is consistently inconsistent. He will contact me, we will text or talk quite intensely and maybe even meet up, he will then just disappear for a few days and I don't know if it is because he is scared, or simply not interested.

Trouble is, I don't know what to do next. I get so awkward and flustered around him, I overcompensate and try and be over cool etc. Or too aloof. We are both professionals and in our late twenties. I do think he has ASD, which may explain some of his actions/ behaviour.

He is one of the "organisers" at work. He has amazing planning foresight and strategic thinking. He is very articulate and intelligent, polite and mild mannered. He however does speak out with slightly inappropriate comments, but never any malice intended. His speech is formal and eloquent. My other colleagues at some point have all mentioned that he has strong ASD qualities.
He is somewhat obsessed with detail.

Now when we first met we were just colleagues, he would email me about conferences etc. And generally help organise me! We somehow began have long conversations on the phone for more than an hour or so and became sort of friends. He brought me a gift and I began to fall for him. He made me laugh and also found me funny and we began to talk a lot on the phone. We went to the theatre, cinema, a few lunches here and there but would always talk about work and material things never personal stuff, except his cat. I was too scared to ask if they weere dates. If I ever broached anything about emotion, me or him, we both would sort of clam up and the discussion would go no further. He clams up more than me and physically appears uncomfortable, so that makes me more nervous and I don't push anything.

I told him how I felt about him once and he went red, mumbled something and then did not contact me for a while. We then never brought it up again, yet remained friends. By this I mean sms every few days, no more than a couple of weeks without being in contact, talking on the phone.

He hardly ever initiates an sms-if he does its always a work related question and never a how are you? But he will contact me if I don't get in touch with him for about a week. When I text him, I get an immediate response if I have posed a question, he will text back and forth for the next hour or so and will ask me how I am and sends me smilies and be very pleasant.

.if I send him an affectionate text, I don't usually get a reply or it takes a couple of days before he will respond, and then it will not be in reply to what I said... Sometimes he calls me when I sms him and will talk for a long time. When he is nervous about a meeting, presentation or meeting with the boss, he will call and call and text and readily talk to me for a long time. But he never comments on our relationship or discusses US.

The reason why I think our relationship is strange is because we are not "close" as in we don't discuss our personal feelings or behave like mates or chums. Yet we remain in contact out of work, and in work regularly-even thouugh we don't have much in common. he is quite a closed aloof private person otherwise.

We went out for lunch last week, we spent 5 hours just talking and time flew. He made a lot of eye contact, and teased me quite a few times (something unusual for him-he usually stares at my earrings, or neck.) I thought we had a good time-he was so entertaining and charming and really listened to me. It seemed like a first date, it always seems like I'm on a first date with him, he still said nothing too intimate or very personal. I then heard nothing for two weeks.

My friends and family think I'm a bit mad. But I feel there is something there really strong between us, and is worth pursuing for a little while longer. He is so soft, polite and gentle towards me. Its true i get really upset sometimes when he ignores me, but when we are together, we kind of forget the world and the chemistry is so great and intense...yet he never takes it further, just eventually becomes shy and non communicative. And then it starts again.

Any ideas, comments or suggesttions to help? Much appreciated. I'm worried by continuing to gently push this with him, I may be barking up the wrong tree and its simply because he is not interested. Either way I need to decipher his feelings without asking him because I know he would run a mile and I would lose a good friend.

Ps: where I work it is ok to date one another.

Last edited by anneya on 28 Apr 2013, 10:44 am, edited 3 times in total.

You seem to have developed a strong, yet one-sided infatuation.

Illogical.

You won't really know unless you directly ask him about it without pressuring him,just ask him nicely and make it seem like you'll still be friends after so he isn't pressured. If he has AS, he won't really pick up on any signs you make or the things you coinsider romantic & close, he'll consider it just normal. It's hard to tell unless you ask him.

The thing about a lot of aspies, no amount of hinting or flirting will ever register. Sometimes you have to say what you want.

Actually, Fnord, this might be exactly what the doctor ordered. To the op, maybe ask your friend, " Do you think I have developed a strong, yet one-sided infatuation?"

Anneya, could you tell me if you have had a history of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men? (PM if you like)

The attraction to being attracted to others who can not meet your deeper desires is most logical. At its root is often a fear of intimacy and often the need to save and be in control.

I think it wise for all of us to deeply discern our relationships, for although everything relationship is imperfect, some are so much more imperfect than others.

There are many NT women who fall for AS men because of our gentle ways, only to realize after so much heartache that we dont need saving and that often what we have been accused of, is in fact the womans projection of their own emotional unavailability.......the need to be neeed over true connection.

Peace to you from London.

I don't see really where's the problem here.

It looks like you like him, he may like you but none of you made any mouvement.

You don't have really any problem. You just have to make a mouvement and you're scared, so you posting here is only a kind of procrastination. Don't procrastinate, make a mouvement, just do it.

And then, if what happens is weird, like him saying that he likes you and being happy and suddelny vanishing and this kind of thing, then it would be time for posting here.

Unless everything goes OK, that would be much better.

you said you told him that you like him? how and how did you word it?

Hi guys thank you so much for your replies. I agree that this situation is maybe partly a projection of my own insecurities-but I don't want to save him or change his personality, I just really like him. But yes he is emotionally unavailable, I guess, and that perhaps won't change. Also maybe he is just not attracted to me.

I can't say anything to him about this, it really scares me. think its best I try and get over him as its not healthy . All I know is that I am in love and love being around him. I think I have read all the signs wrong and mistaken his curiosity for affection. But he is not stupid and must know how I feel, he just hasn't done anything about it. Which speaks for itself really

I don't have a history of being attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, but I do have a history of admiring people from afar and never saying anything because I feel too shy and know I will likely get rejected.

And NT girl, I told him I was falling in love with him and wanted to know how he felt, otherwise I would need time to stay away from him.

Thanks everyone. I should just let this one pass.

Don't let it pass. Take the phone and send him a sms: "I like you. Do you want to go out with me?". Do it quick, don't think about it. Just do it. And then turn off the phone until tomorrow, when you turn it on and think that the answer is a kind of secret surprise. But do it now. It's a weekend, you don't have to see him, it's the perfect moment to send the sms and hide until you feel more relaxed.

I wish I could, but thinking about why I don't do that is because I know he will say no or not reply. And I work with him, it would affect me too much-already it hurts having someone I want around me all of the time, coming and sitting next to me, talking laughing and smiling with me, knowing they don't want me-its little slaps of rejection everyday.


Writing all this out is making it clearer. I'm a coward! I acknowledge that I should have more self-respect and just walk away. I just know that this will be hard and I will have to cut off complete contact for at least a year or two and then some more. I will miss him, he makes me so happy and we share a lot of ideas and concepts. but I think its better than suffering like a crazed person. I don't want to be alone forever

The problem is that if you don't do any mouvement, you're gonna feel uncertitude for months. And besides that, everytime you'll see him you will se as a coward, and your self esteem will decrease more and more. If you make a mouvement, worst case you'll know and you will be able to move on, besides that after some time (at the beginning it hurts, but this feeling goes away) you will feel proud of yourself.

This is a tricky one. If you didn't perceive him to have ASD traits I would be tempted to say that it is a one-sided infatuation, but the fact you mention this suggests that he may be in a similar situation to you, and it would be a shame to give up or bail out completely. I suggest you don't make any rash moves for the moment. There will be a way to handle this situation in a classy manner, wrongplanet will help you find it.

I don't think it was a good idea what or how you told him, but how did he react to your admission that you are falling in love with him?

No, definitely no need for this. Don't even think about cutting off all contact.


@ Greb - jête un coup d'oeil à «mouvement» dans ton dico fra-ang.

Merci beaucoup. Je suis pas francais, mais j'ai ecoute la radio francaise pendant les derenieres semaines pour me rapeller un peu de cette langue et maintenant, malhereusement je melange quelques mots avec l'anglais.

PS Pardon par les accents, mais le clavier n'en a pas.

Can I ask why you think it is such a bad idea to cut of all complete contact? I happen to think its the only solution as seeing him, talking to him and being around him is so painful.

And Greb, I quite like the way you write

Last edited by anneya on 28 Apr 2013, 11:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks!