Relationship problems and how to avoid total meltdowns

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I had an argument with my partner last week. He had spent a couple of hours with me and my son as we had arranged. He then received a text message from his ex asking him to come and look after his daughter. He went straight away, no question.

Now this is my problem....
1) I realise his children come first.
2) I don't feel like this should mean that I get dropped at the request of his ex. It means I do not trust him to stick around for even an afternoon, let alone the rest of my life. (There was no problem with his daughter, his ex just fancied an evening without her - not on the agreed schedule, may I add!)
3) This feeling of being rejected (not just on my own behalf but for my son too) means I do not handle myself well at all. I am ashamed of how I behaved, ranting, and when he had gone crying and throwing away any physical objects that remind me of him. It is like I need to wipe away the evidence that he ever existed.

Is this "normal" behaviour? I don't think it is in the NT sphere but is it in the ASD sphere?? (I remain undiagnosed.)

I could not even communicate with him at all for about 5 days and when I did I still hadn't fully calmed down.

How do I handle problems like this? Events happen and I have reacted this way every few months, though it has not happened so badly in the last year. Sometimes I think it is the change of something happening which I did not expect in addition to the underlying emotions. I was also furious and crying when I found out he hadn't told me about his son being away on a school trip. Even though it didn't affect me personally at all it still changed how I imagined his week had been and I felt like I had been deceived (which I hadn't).

Thank you. Oh, we are in our 30s which makes the whole thing even more appalling (from my pov). I don't want to behave like this.

Purple, here is my experience as a male in a long-term relationship of twelve years:

First, the only way I can maintain good behavior, meaning not being irritable and difficultl all the time, is not to live with her. As much as I love her, I must have my quiet time.

Second, when I do find myself getting really angry, as in meltdown, the first thing I do is to leave her presence, as in leaving the house; I go outside until I calm down and can think rationally again. Initially she found this very unsettling. But when I wasn't careful and melted down in her presence once, and said things that can't be taken back, she got the picture and now understands.

Thank you for your reply.

You are right to pick out from my ramblings that it is the behaviour and reaction I want help with. Then I can deal with the actual relationship problems in a better way instead of my current options of ignoring them or exploding.

We do not live together and this is not a problem. We have been in a relationship for over 3 years. It does mean I can literally shut him out though which is not always helpful.

I did try to walk away but it was in my house and my son needs someone around so I was limited. And followed too, briefly.

I now see this event was not out of context and anything going 'wrong' to me had the potential to break me. I used to think I was mental and insecure when he changed plans on me but I think it might be the change of my expectations or imaginings and brief confusion this brings.

Sadly he seems to walk on eggshells around me afterwards and I hate myself for how I must be making him feel. Plus I am embarrassed too of course.

Have you asked a counselor about borderline personality? The reaction to perceived rejection sounds kind of like that. Borderline doesn't have to mean the scary sounding, cliched, extreme symptoms.

It did sound rude to me that he jumped up and ran off, unless the pickup time was a regular thing. If he's expected to go get his kid on Saturday at 4 PM (for example), and that's a custody arrangement, he has to stick to it.

ETA: I see you said that it wasn't scheduled. In that case, in my opinion, he was insensitive to your feelings, yes. I can't really say more, without knowing you both a lot better.

How long have they been exes?

Thank you for your reply, Popsicle. I see where you are coming from, with the rejection thing. It is mainly at times like this but a trip to Ikea/people touching my things/noisy eating/banging have also "set me off" and try as I might I can't see how it fits in thematically.

I have looked into BPD before actually. And read a million blogs and books to see if it matched up but there is something missing so I don't think it's me. I am not in general someone who enjoys a lot of attention and in fact would rather no-one saw me in that state* or most others. I am also incredibly risk averse, not impulsive. I have looked up "dissociate" as it is a symptom but I am not sure what it means. No history of self-harm, usually fairly optimistic in outlook, etc... I am just not a dramatic person until these occasions come up where I feel (and not only this, but a major one) I am being passed over in favour of the boyfriend's ex. They have been separated nearly 5 years but are still officially married, which does bother me. I wasn't "allowed" to meet his children for a long time and also was banned for a while last year due to his ex's outbursts in public because, horror of horrors, I bought them an easter egg each. So I know there are issues on that side too, that I don't begin to understand.

To give a little more context:
- The last time I was supposed to see him he cancelled on the day (for a good reason and I kept it together but I did feel a bit put out. I got to spend the evening on my own doing exactly what I wanted so it was not all bad).
- I had, that morning, been in a crowd where I had to be within 100 feet of his ex and children as my child was part of the same community event as them. It was less than comfortable for many reasons (crowds, supporting my AS son to do a public event for the first time, being there on my own, seeing the ex, awkward moment where her kids waved at me, I waved at them, she waved at me, I walked off - I didn't know what to do!)

Then the message that commanded my partner to go to her. It felt like a message that she is still "in charge". I don't know, I don't understand it. And I don't know how to express it at all without sounding like someone I don't want to sound like.

* state = walking away, moving about the house putting stuff into a rubbish bin(!), crying, avoiding any contact with BF and feeling trapped.
At least the house ends up decluttered. It doesn't sound so bad now but I was not being proportional. I wish I could just say that it upset me that he had to go and we could talk about it but it is not something I can do.

I write too much and say too little.

In that particular instance in which there was an impromptu call and he ran to her, I'd say you were within reason to be upset.

But if there is a pattern of being just as upset with less provocation, then by now he's probably become somewhat immune to it so to speak. It won't have much effect.

He has kids with her so this would always be an issue. Would he ever go to some type of mediator (sort of a couples counselor) to discuss everything with you in a neutral setting with an impartial 'advisor/judge?'

Some guys never really get over their exes, sad to say (for anyone they date later.) A guy we know just ran back to his first wife, dumping his very long term patient girlfriend. In all that time, the exes didn't see each other much, and his ex wife had married a few more times. When she became a widow he dumped his long time girlfriend (they were together for decades) and took up with his ex like they were never apart.

Then I once dated a guy who went back to his ex wife and they had been divorced a few years. But she began calling and he would become animated, laughing, smiling, and walking down memory lane with her by phone - with me right there in the room. I didn't say anything but took stock of it and sure enough it wasn't much longer, things just got worse until it was a mutual call to break up. He immediately took up with his ex, who left him again. Then he married twice more, both short-lived...

Some guys just aren't good bets. I'm sorry you are going through this tumultuous time.

BTW about BPD there are new criteria that don't include impulsivity, physical self harm, or risk taking. (I'm not trying to say you are. DBT might work for you anyway.)