What exactly is Love? What's it feel like?

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Everyone always has these romantic "You think about them constantly, you want to spend every minute of every day," etc. responses. Yet that doesn't jive with what I've seen. I've known girls who claim to be in love with abusive men who don't want to spend any time around the animals, just as I've known people who are completely decent, and fit the criteria, but claim not to be in love. What makes it love?

I ask because I can't say I've ever felt it. For anyone. My family is cool, but if I never saw them again, I'd be fine with that. I've never loved a woman, though I've had them be in love with me. Doesn't hurt me none, but people kill themselves because of lack of love. I just don't get it.

So help me out. It's not a "poor me, I don't know love" post, but I have a genuine academic interest. What is love? What does it feel like? Why do people claim to be in love without satisfying the usual criteria or claim not to be when they do?

love is wanting the best for someone and being willing to do something about that.

What most people call love is actually cathexis.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cathexis

I must not hang out with humans then, nor are those people 'most'.

wow that stuff is HEAVY. but probably true, judging by our rates of divorce. real [romantic] love is-

*'til death us do part
*through thick and thin, sickness and health
*placing greater value on the we rather than the me
*finding one's partner to be the ne plus ultra of attractiveness

in short, it is a sublime combo of loyalty and lust.

I think you're confusing "being in love" which has it's own set of neurochemicals, with "feeling love" and "bonding".
One thing it isn't though is a universal list of criteria that are applicable in all situations. The definition isn't the same for everyone (as seen in teens where everything is "love") and it's something people refine (and redefine) over a long time.

Freud was a sex-obsessed fool. If you like that you should read some Jung though.

Oooh, tough question. It's a hard one to define, and I think too many people confuse it with infatuation. I feel pretty disconnected emotionally sometimes, so I might know where you're coming from.
I love my husband, but we'd kill each other if we were on top of each other 24/7. It's like acceptance, protectiveness, regard, security and desire all wrapped up in one. It was like a switch was flicked on one day. I just looked at him one day sitting on my couch, and knew I loved him. Suddenly he was a central pillar in how I structured my life.
I don't know if this clarifies anything, but it's my best description.

Hmm. That Cathexis bit was interesting. So, if I'm understanding it right, basically the more time a person invests in a lover, the more that person means to them, regardless of whether they are abusive or philandering or what not? That would certainly explain why people remain in bad situations.

I knew a girl once, who was living with an emotionally abusive jerk she had met in rehab. He would make fun of her, on two occasions hit her, and was getting her hooked on pills again. A mutual friend offered her a place to stay, a way out, and she took it. We went, picked her up, got her situated, etc. The next day, she called him to pick her up. Thing is, "She loved him". So, for whatever reason, she's willing to endure hell to feel love. Years later, she told me that she was just lonely and she loved him because he paid attention to her. She also loved him because he was passionate and charming sometimes. She loved him because he was passionate, handsome, male, and was there.

Then I look at my parents, both of whom never once played the field, who met each other in a very unconventional way (My mother picked my dad's pocket when they were on the same base in Germany), who hung out on a regular basis, and eventually married because they were being stationed at different bases and couldn't imagine being separated. Sure, they fought, but my father has never once [intentionally; chronic foot in mouth] insulted my mother, has never laid a hand on her, and has stuck with her and cared for her through the worst of her deliriously bad depression. He's been willing to give up his entire life to care for this woman, because he simply couldn't imagine a life without her. He's not a passionate man, given over to emotions. To him, that feeling of attachment was enough to be called love.

Is there a difference between these types of love? Is the love of my parents any more or less valid than the love of my friend? What makes one brand of love so chaotic, and the other relatively serene?

^^^
wow that is the question of the year.

it feels good, very good. Until they leave you then it hurts, it hurts bad.

the trick is not to elevate said sweetheart upon a pedestal until they are committed to you, at least after the rings have been exchanged and the 7 year itch has been passed. once you've made it that far, chances are you've gotten things straight between the both of you, you both know where you stand, and that would be together through thick and thin.

The difference is the personality of the people involved. No one can say a feeling is more or less valid, but I put more importance on the definition of love that two people in a stable relationship have than the definition of love someone in an abusive relationship has. But I also know that only the people involved in a relationship can judge if it's stable or not (because outsiders don't know everything and people lie, especially if they want to cheat).

Warmth, security, caring, loyalty.

There are many types of love and only one word for it. People "love" ice cream and they "love" their spouse. Surely it isn't in the same category, but only has one word.

It shouldn't feel too intense, or pressured, or forced, or anxious. Those are indicators more of an obsession or addiction.

I'd chalk it up at least in part to the way people grow up thinking about love.

When we hear about relationships, we may often hear about it in terms of expectations, provisions, excitement, etc, and have many idealized notions but comparatively few notions of hard work, awareness, and compromise to balance it out.

Nothing creates chaos like hype, and not everyone sees through that. For people without the self-respect and self-confidence to defend some of their basic dignities, it just makes it easier to rationalize bad relationships.