In love with an aspie... but I'm gay... is he?

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Hi guys, this will probably be one of the weirdest situations you've come across... I know I'm farked up, but so is he. And I don't know what to do. Is he a closet gay or is he just an aspie? Where do I draw the line? How do I know? Read the following and tell me what you think.

I've known Josh for over a year now. I thought he was a bit different at first but still felt attracted to him so we started hanging out. I'm gay, but I'm in the closet myself. I'm neurotypical but don't feel ready to come out yet. Though again, most people think I'm gay when they meet me and then I deny it. So, question number one: are aspies any good in judging people's sexuality? I know they're not that good with social cues and body language, so how does determining someone's sexuality work?

If he were to judge me on my mannerisms, he'd know I'm gay or bi. If he just took my word for truth, he'd think I'm straight. Because the thing is, although he's the most open-minded guy, the only thing he seems to have a problem with is gays. He's 31.

He likes hanging out with me, he never refuses to meet me, he often suggest we should meet, etc. He even suggested we should house-share together. But I love him. And have done since the first time I saw him. I know it sounds childish but it's true. And its been 14 months of torture.

I know he's got Aspergers because I know quite a lot about the subject and he has all the traits. I can accept that. He's not as warm and emotional as I would like, but I love him.

But the main question is... he says he's straight. And he is homophobic. Yet he hangs out with me and even wants to live with me. If you saw me, you'd know I'm gay. Even though I deny it. So, if I tell him (the first person ever!) that I'm gay, he would hate me. But why does he want to be around me? Can he really be blind to all the signals? Is he in denial or do I want him to be in denial? I'm in too much pain. Every time I meet him, I turn into a doormat... Please help!

This is already turning ugly and will only get uglier. He's taking you at your word, as a lot of aspies do. I was in love with a straight girl for a long time and I told her. Thankfully she isn't homophobic and is still my best friend. It hurt to be rejected, but I had to tell her. I was shocked she didn't know, but she genuinely didn't.

I think it's best to confess your feelings. If he takes it badly, then he isn't worth having as a friend. If he turns you down nicely, then you can spend some time apart to deal with your feelings of rejection and regret, and then later be friends again.

Thanks for that Puddingmouse... I have never experienced anything like this before in my life and just assumed that he might not be ready to come out. Especially since he doesn't seem to be interested in girls, etc. But after some research on Aspergers I know that's just because relationships and sexuality are quite complicated subjects for most aspies.

I don't think I could come clean. I can't take the risk. We (by now) have too many common friends, etc. But thanks for your comment. I suppose he is taking my words literally.

Whatever the closure, it seems like anything would be a welcome ending to the torture I have endured so far.

If he didn't have Aspergers I would be confident he is gay in denial. He is homophobic beyond reason (compared to his other views), etc. He keeps asserting his disgust re gays without prompting. Yet he can't get enough of me (socially). I would have said its typical for someone in denial. But having in mind he takes everything literally, should I take his statements as pure truth as well?

Thank you so much for your help!

I'm going to very much disagree with Puddingmouse. Hear me out.

Contrary to popular belief, homophobia beyond reason is not necessarily caused by being gay in denial. I've got a very good friend who is such, and straight as an arrow. If he is in denial, then you confessing could make him uncomfortable enough with himself that he might do something you both regret, or at the very least irreparably damage your friendship.

It's an unpleasant situation, and the most important thing is that you protect yourself first. If you do come out and confess, have someone you trust who can have your back if things get ugly. If you can, wait. Try to ease him in to the fact that you're not gay, you're "questioning". This is a lie, yes, but it's better than telling him that your entire relationship is built on a lie. Then later, once he's had a while to get used to the idea, and maybe reconsidered some things, then you can work on him as a potential partner.

Don't be hasty, and it will work out much better.

Even if he is in denial about being gay, you coming out to him won't make it any easier for him to come out. He'll probably get defensive and nasty, rather than say 'I'm gay too, thank goodness one of us had the guts to say it'. You coming out to him might help him come out years later when he's done some thinking about it - but I mean, that would take years. That's if he is gay and not just being homophobic as part of an (unhealthy) aspie obsession.

If you have mutual friends and those mutual friends reject you for coming out, then they weren't worth keeping as friends, either. You've got to come out eventually or you'll just suffocate.

I mean, yeah, he could get beaten up over this, if that's what you're referring to. I'm not suggesting that he comes out in a way that puts him in danger - but he does have to come out. I know I had to. Probably better to come out to someone else, first.

Thank you both for your advice. And I realize I will have to come out at some point. The thing is, I need a bit of a push. Because I know my family wouldn't react kindly to this. Even if they suspected me being gay, they would never forgive for making it public, etc.

If I knew I had someone who was there for me no matter what (ie Josh) I would be willing to walk through hell. But that's why I'm struggling. There are a few options to this:

I come out and Josh is straight and homophobic. My sexuality is announced to the world and I am all alone trying to establish a new safety net with a bunch of people either judging me for being gay or for lying to them for all those years.

I don't come out and cut all ties with him. I will feel miserable and most likely will never know if someone I actually loved had any feelings for me. I have never loved anyone for over a year without even the slightest physical contact. I have to say, I don't think I ever loved anyone at all. I had crushes, but 3 months or so would be the longest it had ever lasted.

I come out and we live happily ever after together That's what I see in my dreams when I fall asleep But I know its not likely. And I can cope with all of this.

My main question though is: can aspies really be completely oblivious to the obvious signs of homosexuality? I know he likes me as a person. But doesn't it seem odd that someone who's so homophobic likes a guy who's pretty much obviously gay? Or is he really blind to it all?

When I was younger I tried my darndest to conceal everything. I stifled my quirkiness as best as I could and also stuffed by gayness in a suitcase so no one would see. The result? I turned into a miserable homeless suicidal drug addict. I've survived and now I don't give a toss if anyone knows about me. You'd think that, in this day and age, these issues won't matter. I guess not.

It's possible that he is completely blind to it, yes.

Join an LGBT support group. It's confidential. Whatever you do, you need support.

I wasn't aware AS and homosexuality had the same symptoms..

You'd be surprised! Every NT turns slightly autistic when they're around someone they fancy. In this case it was two men. So consider this:

- He acts shy around me and avoids eye contact (though I see him looking at me awkwardly)
- He gets annoyed with my hints and seems to prefer direct declarations, such as: "I like spending time with you". Instead of putting him off (coming from a gay guy) this seems to agree with him.
- He drills down every statement of mine to the basic as if wanting confirmation that there's something there. I.e. "This is nice..." (when we're having a walk). Him: "What's nice?". Me: "This... all of this..." Him: "What? The weather? The place?" Me: "Yes, and also us, just walking and talking, etc..." <-- something like this would freak a straight man out! Yet he insists on going there. Right to the awkward basics.
- Once I pluck up the courage to invite him to do something, he then puts it on "acceptable" shelve and keeps suggesting doing the same thing. How nice of him to try and do things I like, right?
- He pretty much makes me part of his routine and gets a little annoyed when I break away from it.
- He comes out with statements that don't seem to relate to the conversation. Most times its just random stuff. Sometimes its stuff about our 'relationship' and then it feels significant.
- He likes spending time together though he doesn't contribute much to the quality of it (the conversations). Why would he do that? He must fancy me, but doesn't want to come out yet. So he feels awkward around me, but wants to spend time together (of course!)

Can you really not see how the above looks like an NT with a crush on someone? And can you not see how those are just traits of Aspergers? I reached the conclusion which was more favorable to me. And then I realized that I dragged myself into a dream world. And it hurts.

It does sound like he fancies you from your description. If he's telling you he's straight, I don't think he's looking to start up a romantic relationship though. That's my best guess, but I'm not good with these situations sometimes.

Sounds more like he sees you as a best friend type and Is oblivious to your actual feelings. Does he have a lot of other friends?

You need to build yourself up, by making gay and gay-friendly friends that support you.

For me that didn't happen until I moved to a city that was a lot more accepting. Then it was easy.

If you keep hanging out with the same people, the same thing is going to keep happening in your life, and you're not going to feel that much safer to come out.

So my advice is, get in touch with gay people. Maybe in a city near you but not your hometown. Go out to some clubs, or go to some events, go to Pride. Go online and make friends, whatever.

But with your friend, that's too tricky to try to guess what to do. Your best bet, long term, is to be honest. If you're not honest with him, you're going to have short-term pleasure (you get to keep the crush on him, stay near him, fantasize, maybe fall asleep next to him once in a while) but eventually he'll find out the truth and in retrospect you might waste all this time on him when you could have spent time reaching out to guys who will love you back the way you want.

Depending on the degree of severity: yes.

I would be really careful. Aspies may hold strong views like him not from repression but from undifferentiated beliefs picked up from society or parents or whoever first spoke to them about it, or may find certain differences in people irrevocably wrong. But aspies live at the level of the calculating ego mostly, so the Freudian crap about repression could be misleading - and maybe wishful thinking.

Also: many aspies have social issues which means they appear asexual and uninterested in women, and generally do not seem to act like most heterosexual men. Again this can be a huge red herring if you are not careful.

The other guys thought I was asexual at college, then I started talking about Asian women, and they all thought i was obsessed about anime, then I told them about my dreams of living in Japan, and they started to try and get me to admit stuff that isn't appropriate for l&d. But My point is, none of the women did. My suggestion, if you can't tell the women at college about it, then you shouldn't at all.