Just can't understand him!! !

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Does anyone have trouble understanding their significant other? I DO!! !

For one thing, his tastes and opinions seem to change with his mood! If he's in a bad mood, he'll say, for example, "I don't like that" about a certain food, tv show, even about certain people. But, if he's in a good mood, he'll suggest that we do exactly what he said earlier he didn't like!
Or, for example, if he's in a crappy mood, and we wind up doing the thing he "doesn't like", sometimes he'll wind up having fun. If he does, awesome. If he doesn't, however, he'll be sure to remind me that he was against it from the get-go. It's like there's no cut-and-dried rule! I can never tell!! ! And it's really frustrating at times!

Another frustrating thing is that I can never tell when he's serious. He'll tell me things, and I'll respond to what he said, then he'll say, "For the love of god, come on, did you really believe me?" But because he changes so much, I can never tell. He knows that I'm a little "gullible", in the sense that I take everyone and everything at face value, and says he'll continue pulling my leg until I "learn". It'll be 5 years in March that we've been together. I don't think I'll ever be able to think the way he does...

Also, and this one is a little more complex, he dislikes routine, and loves to "bounce around". Jobs, apartments, cities, the whole deal. Stability seems to depress him! And for me, it's the opposite - change makes me anxious...

Is this a typical AS / NT thing? Anyone else dealing with this? And does anyone have any advice???

A bad mood, if bad enough, can end up polluting, or rubbing off on, everything. If I'm in a bad enough mood, I don't feel like doing things I normally enjoy. His reminding you that he was against it sounds more like someone being a selfish brat though. Sounds like most any typical kid that a parent tries to get to do something they "don't want to." If the kid likes it, they won't necessarily thank the parent, but the outcome is positive, because the kid had fun. If the kid hates it, they make sure the parent knows that the parent is, possibly in different words, a f'ing idiot for thinking they know better.


Sounds like he's at best having fun at your expense, at worst just being an as*hole that's convinced he's better than you, and can "improve" you.

I've got a friend like that. Not as bad, but he refuses to make plans ahead of time, and if he does he has no problem changing them or dropping them entirely if he finds something that benefits him more. If you don't go along with his whims, he acts like you've offended him. He frequently talks about how this person or that person "disrespected" him on a given day, yet seems to be oblivious to the fact that he disrespects people at least as frequently as he believes he's been disrespected, if not more frequently. He's repeatedly done things that have made me feel slighted, and acted like he's done nothing wrong, yet if I ever do the slightest thing to offend him he jumps on my case. At one point, he was pushing me and pushing me on a situation, and I kept asking him to stop. It got to the point that I was so frustrated by it that I said if he didn't stop, I was going to hit him. He flipped out, started ranting about how I should never disrespect him like that, let alone in front of his younger brother, etc, etc, etc. At times I wonder why I've put up with some of his s**t.


The way you describe him, it doesn't sound like an AS / NT thing, it sounds like you put up with someone that's arrogant and selfish.

Bouncing around a lot and disliking stability and routine is not an NT thing. It is a personality thing.

But what do you mean by bouncing around a "lot"? Because if you dislike change it may seem like a lot to you but not to many others. But bottom line since he's your significant other, this is a major thing to be mismatched on.

About the constantly changing likes and dislikes of his, without examples and without knowing him and seeing his facial expressions etc., I can't answer that for you. Of course I realise that puts me in roughly the same dilemma as you are in, as, if you are AS his facial expressions are probably not much help to you right?

All you can do is ask him to try to be more consistent, but if either

A) it's just his personality and he can't change it

or

B) he loves to wind you up by always contradicting himself and annoying you

Then either way it's not going to change. You just have to try to either ignore it, or try not to let it bother you as much. If he can't keep his likes/dislikes straight then simply allow yourself not to be responsible for keeping track of it. And tell him not to gripe if he gets strawberry ice cream and he said he hated it one week and loved it the next. If he's going to be confusing he'll have to take what comes.

By this I mean that he likes the idea of changing jobs once or twice a year (which he's done in the past), apartments (this is not an issue since we have a good place and I think he knows it), he likes to do new and different things often, with absolutely NO plans beforehand, and he really, really dislikes routine.



This is part of the problem - I can't read faces to save my life (along with being face-blind...) so I can never tell when he's joking or when he's really mad. The only thing that saves me is when he's joking, 90% of the time he'll wink after he's got me going, and then I'll just stop midsentence and realize...



Wow, that is some very logical advice. I will try it. Thank you!

You're welcome. I hope it will prove helpful!

For what it's worth, it sounds like he changes jobs a lot to me, too. That often would bother me.

I can't speculate why he does that - it could be immaturity or a lack of wish to commit to things. I hope that he is good to you.

Depends upon what you look for in this relationship, I guess, as to whether you'll be happy with him in the future...He does not sound much like the commited or stable type.

Anyway, he has no room to gripe in my opinion...

Does he know you have AS? Tell him that what he is doing bothers you. Tell him that he can't get you to stop taking things at face value. Let him know how uncomfortable change makes you, and try to compromise, there are probably things that can change often that are okay (restaurants, dates) and other things that are not (jobs, apartments). Women and men in general aren't supposed to think alike, no two people should think alike, think of ways to make the most of your differences, you are probably smarter than he is when it comes to anything analytical.

There are several layers to all of this. Women are supposed to be the "complicated" sex but in reality men are probably more complex still.

Men's behaviour is normally shaped by their ego (or 'pride'). Men don't like to be wrong. They are also secretly, massively, insecure. Anything that involves a possible lack of status is a threat to a man. As a result they have developed the use of humour to defuse confrontational situations and add ambiguity so that criticism can be denied if necessary:- "I was only joking!". Jokes like this always contain an element of truth, somewhere, but this is left undefined until he is sure that you are amenable to the serious point he is making. If this were a man-to-man conversation, the penalty for a mistake might be a fist fight, so joking is a serious business.

Secondly, the opinion of a man will vary greatly depending on his mood. Most men respond badly to pressure. Don't hassle him when he gets in from work: he has just escaped from the pressure of his job, and does not wish to receive a fresh dose of stress and uncertainty when he reaches the calm and security of home. Wait until he is relaxed before tackling major issues, and introduce them in an ambiguous and casual manner. Gentle, knowing sarcasm is far more effective than making demands, as it is funny (and so non-threatening) but also embarrassing for him and a sign of superior intelligence from you.

It can be awfully hard to coax a man 'out of his shell' and very significant distractions may be required. Men problem-solve in isolation and can become completely tied up in trying to solve impossible challenges, and the only way out of this loop is through distraction. Continually raising the problem does NOT help as this merely increases the pressure and guilt upon the man as he feels that he has failed if he cannot find his own solution. A man in this situation will shut down and retreat into his own world to mull things over. He might say things which are hurtful or untrue just so you'll leave him alone to think. Try not to take these comments seriously.

Hello I am an NT which likes variety. I think he is an NT I known a few Aspie's in my life which all have the same views as you do when it comes to routine and things that stress you. I think he gets bored with routine. I also think when he masters a job he needs to move on to something else that will be more challenging for him. DrowningMedusa be open with him try writing down things that stress with you then find a tactful way that will not hurt his male ego when discussing the things that stress you out. If he has mood problems that will never go away unless there is something else in his life that is causing the mood swings. I had an Aspie in my life that was always on mood swings then come to find out he was a closet self medicator. Meaning he did drugs and drank which effected his moods. He smoked pot, did cocaine and drank. He drank mostly but it all contributes to mood swings. I can tell you that for a fact coming from being with friends that are now in recovery. They all were on daily mood swings but now that they are recovering it is way different. The mood swings are not that great. I would really look at the person. He is not going to change unless he wants to and you will not be able to fix or change him. If is very upsetting to you, you will either need to except him or move on with your life with out him. Trust me when I say changing someone will never happen. Good Luck to you and I feel your pain.