Should I tell my ex that he has Asperger's?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone! I'm an NT, and I have many reasons to believe that my ex-boyfriend has Asperger's. But I'm fairly certain that he doesn't know because he never told me despite making many comments in the past that I'm only now realizing were probably indications of Asperger's.

My question is, should I tell him? I fear that he's going to hate me if I tell him, and I really have no idea how he'd react. I just know that there are so many people out there who don't find out until their 40s or 50s (my ex is 26), so I think it could help him to have this information about himself. I'm sure if we had both known that he had Asperger's while we were dating, we would have had a better understanding of what caused our communication difficulties, and we could have worked harder to improve how we communicated our feelings.

However, our break-up was very painful for me (it was about 8 months ago), but I believe I'm in a good place now. I don't want to make it harder for either of us by getting in touch with him again. At the same time, it feels awful to know this about him and to know that if he receives a diagnosis, it could be a huge relief for him and potentially prevent years of confusion and other difficulties. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much!
Anon

No.

First, you do not seem to have the appropriate credentials to make such a diagnosis.

Second, once a relationship is over, it should be over - there should be no going back.

Third, while you may gain the satisfaction of telling your ex yet another reason for breaking up with him, your ex is likely to see this as a personal attack, and you will likely gain the reputation among his friends (and eventually yours) of being a mean, spiteful, vindictive, "b****h" (or whatever currently passes for the lowest of the low these days).


So the best thing to do is to simply leave him be, and stop trying to meddle in your ex's life.

Thanks for your response. I purposefully didn't list all the reasons that I believe he has Asperger's (not only comments he made but behaviors and other traits) because I didn't want to make my post too long. Regardless, I agree, I don't have the qualifications to make a diagnosis. In any case, I get your message that it's not a good idea to let him know my thoughts on the matter.

If you do this it might be seen as gaslighting. Just let him find out for himself or wait for a relative to come to the conclusion. Your relationship is over with him, after all.

I don't think it's wrong if you think that it can help him.
If you think that his traits are an issue for him maybe it's better.

Besides it's not telling him, hey you got Asperger's but you should check if you have Asperger's

Correct.

It's more like telling him, "Hey! Here's one more reason why I'm glad we broke up!" ... a full 8 months after the fact.

I have my doubts that such an act would be motivated out of compassion.

The fact that the OP has come here to ask advice and seems to have done some research indicates a degree of compassion.

Anon. what is your current relationship with your ex? Are you on speaking terms, do you see each other? Would you like to get back together?

It seems like you have not had any contact for some time.

... or to gauge the reactions of "typical" Aspies, so as to better predict the reaction of her ex.

I say you should let him know, but I have no idea how you could do that.
I was 46 when I found out about my AS. I would like to have known it about 30 years earlier.

But again, I don't know how you could bring it to him, you being his ex and considering the painful break-up.
You could send an anonymous email (just create a Yahoo account for this), but he might figure out that it was you who sent it, and then an anonymous email might give the wrong impression.

How about an ordinary paper letter?

If you're doing this to help him, I support you.

Thanks for your response, Neilson. I just wrote a long reply, and not it's not showing up! So, this is a test, and I'll try again in a minute.

I don't know man she doesn't sound mean, I don't think she's doing this to hurt him but to help him. You sound like someone has used it to hurt you but I don't think she's got a bad intention and if that happened I understand your attitude.

BUT, if she did have a bad intention, would she come here asking for advice?

Thanks, Neilson. It appears that my previous reply didn't show up, so I'm going to try again. My ex and I were in a long distance relationship (he's extremely gifted in computer science and is in grad school across the country), and I was very happy with him for the most part; we had talked about having a future together. Suffice it to say, because of the distance, getting back together wouldn't be feasible, and there would be a lot of other issues that we'd need to figure out. The main issue I had was the way in which he broke up with me...it was very sudden and without warning; we had planned for me to fly out to his parents' house for the holiday. I contacted him via email a few weeks after we broke up and thanked him for the time we had together, and I apologized for any hurt that I had ever caused him. I never heard back. The main issue for me was how he broke up and his silence--not necessarily that we broke up to begin with.

I contacted him again via email recently for a couple reasons, and his response just, honestly, kind of surprised me. It felt like I was talking to a different person--he wasn't outright mean or anything, but it was completely lacking in emotion from my perspective, and I know him to be an emotional person. I don't want to divulge too many details about him and our relationship, but, based on some research I've done online (eg, "Life with Asperger's" blog--I can't post link), I think that there's a considerable possibility that he has Asperger's. And I think that a possible diagnosis would help to explain many of the issues and troubles that he had in his past that he discussed with me--as well as some of the issues we had in our relationship.

I know I haven't been researching this in depth, so I apologize if I've offended anyone--that's certainly not my intention. I hope that all makes sense; feel free to let me know if you have any more questions.

It's a tough one to call.

As you do not really have an on going relationship, not really communicating, and I'm assuming no mutual friends, i would be inclined to say that you will have to live with this. It does not sound like he would be very receptive to this information.

Please hang around for more replies, it's not really something to rush anyway. There are some strong opinions here.

I would not tell him, the revelation that a person has AS can shake up a person very much.

Thanks for your thoughts, Neilson and everyone else who has commented. I don't think I'm going to let him know; I agree--I don't think he'll be receptive. And, I think that starting another discussion with him would set us both back several steps in terms of getting over each other.

Sounds like the best choice in this situation, you have to take care of yourself too. Good luck, best regards.