Aspergers relationship breakup

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My AS BF and I have been together for over a year. We are both in our early 50's and thru the year of being together have discussed numerous times how wonderful it is to have found each other and be in love etc. We have both been in long term marriages and both divorced for six years. We have had relationships in these six yrs...his lasting 4-10 months each (two in total)...mine longer. He had told me several times in our time together that I am only the second woman he's ever been in love with in his whole life. In the past six months, he has had meltdowns that took me by surprise at first and then figured out what they were. They didnt hurt me much less but at least I had a tad more understanding as to what they were. Thinking that he could apologize after them I thought I'd be ok. After reading and educating myself about AS, I realize there are plenty of solutions to clarifying things and avoiding mind blindness type difficulties as well as learning how best to deal with meltdowns so neither of us get hurt.
During the past six months whilst I was trying to learn how best to handle situations so we can survive and be happy and continue our lives together as we have planned....I would ask him if he still loves me after a difficult time and he'd always say, "of course, I cant just turn that kind of feeling on and off".
Last month he said 'we're finished'...I was devastated. The next day I saw that he went back online dating. I was more devastated. I texted, emailed called...he replied minimally. We have belongings at each others homes, keys etc that he has normally (with other GFs) returned via ups immediately. Its been a month and everyday when I pull up to my house I dread seeing a box...but nothing yet. he said he would call me three weeks ago for 'closure'...he claims in an email that he wasnt feeling well and couldnt call. I know he has a lot of stress with his daughter and he is in a very high powered job which has stress at the moment as well...but dont I count? Months ago when he was telling me about his past relationships and how he sent back their belongings...he said he never gets back with them after a breakup...i asked him if he would ever get back with me if we ever broke up ...he said yes, probably.
So...after the breakup...I went nuts...reaching out telling him Im not giving up on us and I still love him etc. I have now been silent for 9 days thusfar. I know he's probably processing all that has happened, probably even dating at the moment....Hes a black and white thinker, aspie and perhaps a little ocd too...My question is....From an aspie point of view...whats teh best thing I can do in hope of getting back together with him? Should I stay silent/no contact until he contacts me? or should I contact him and keep reminding him that I'm here and I love him and I'm not giving up on us?

get your stuff from him and move on.

Thank you for your reply. However, I am looking for someone to give me advice to try again. I was taught when something breaks, you try to fix it rather than discarding it. Thats why my parents were married for 56 years.
I want to at least have a stab at this one with knowledge and communication in place.

Okay a couple of things here, if what you want to do is try again then just do it. Why do you need someone here to tell you that?
And when you come here be prepared to hear several opinions and takes on the situation. We aren't always going to tell you what you want to hear.
Over the past months I have read threads from NT's having trouble with other Aspie partners. The Aspies on the forum say leave or what have you and the NT says that's not what I want to hear. Then we get an update that what was suggested was the right thing to do. Sometimes we just need to listen.

just make sure you are not being a stalker.

Oh yes, if I remember correctly, your Aspie ex had an epic meltdown during Christmas dinner. I recall that you even mentioned you wanted to leave him if his meltdown behaviour wasn't addressed. He continued to hurt you and even hurt you to the point where he isn't even responding to you that much. My guess he isn't even initiating contact at all. Not sure if I would want to go through such pain an anger myself being in your position. And to get back together to know that he might do that again would likely leave you wondering if you can trust him. Add to it, he has a high power and high paying job. It really doesn't sound like he is enjoying life much. Those are the points I have to make that will hopefully guide you to a happier you.

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate them, even if they may not be what I want to hear.
My specific question tho I dont think has been addressed yet. In an NT world when it comes to reconnecting or possibly reuniting...the rule is no contact...(even if at first you go a little crazy with emails, calls, texts). stop all of it and have no contact. the thought behind this is he will want what he cannot have, he will miss me, he will wonder wheres she gone and whats she doing. Im just asking ...is it the same for an aspie? I thought what may work for him is I drop him a note every couple weeks or once a week just to say hello and hoping hes well etc....so in the aspie world...what do you think would be more effective for a possible rekindling?
at the moment Im not even sure if its the right thing to be honest...but i would like the option. If he's missing me so much that when he does come back he will want to give 50% into the relationship to make the communication the best it can be for us both. And i know it may sound as if im asking the impossible. and no i am not wanting him to change a great deal...just be more self aware, empathetic and communicative so neither of us gets hurt again in the meltdowns and problems with clarification in our communication, (mind blindness).
Thank you

The fact that he's on dating websites looking for someone else doesn't send you any kind of message? I'm not an Aspie so let's see what responses come from that group but it sounds to me that you are making this and Aspie thing and it just seems like that's not the issue. He wants to move on. Plain and simple. Just because he's an Aspie doesn't mean you can somehow change the fact that he wants to move on. I always use this line so here it goes "what would you do if your NT boyfriend behaved this way?"

I don't think this will work.

I'd say go to him and ask him what you want to ask, give it a last try.

Hi Aspiegf,

I have been in a similar situation as you. My ex, whom I've recently discovered likely has AS (I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know), broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere last fall. We were in a long distance relationship and happy, for the most part. I loved him, and he loved me. However, after he broke up with me, he never talked to me until last month. I sent him a message a few weeks after we broke up thanking him for our time together and apologizing for any hurt I had ever caused him, but I never heard back. I contacted him again recently because I still couldn't understand why he was silent.

He said that he hadn't said anything because he didn't know what to say. As you might be able to imagine, this was very hurtful to me in the moment. But, recently, I was able to put two and two together--I think that he simply didn't know how to communicate his feelings to me after our break-up likely because of his AS. And, maybe, because I wasn't clear about how his actions hurt me when we broke up, it was hard for him to understand or imagine that I'd feel a certain way.

Importantly, I discovered this blog post recently that may help you: "Life with Asperger's" blog post about why people with Asperger's suddenly back off in relationships and go silent. (I'm sorry, Wrong Planet isn't allowing me to post the link.) I know, in my case, my ex loved having his daily routine and disliked planning for events outside of his routine--he was "change resistant." I'm not sure how accurate that blog is (but it is run by a man with AS); the blog discusses how, sometimes people with AS suddenly break up with their significant others because of their resistance to change. My ex and I had begun making plans for me to spend the holidays at his parents' house (a step in the progression of our relationship), but he broke up with me a couple months before the holidays....His manner of breaking up with me started making a lot more sense after perusing that blog. I know how stinkin' hard it can be to not hear from someone whom you love and whom you believe loves you, but his lack of communication is likely not personal.

Anything can happen, but, to be quite honest, it doesn't seem like he's going to get back in touch with you on a serious level again. Perhaps you can try once more to have a serious discussion with him (telling him precisely how his actions have made you feel), but if he still refuses or doesn't respond, I think it's time for you to move on. (Sorry for this lengthy post!)

Thank you for your story...yes it does sound similar. How long before he spoke to you again and are you reunited?

It was eight whole months before he talked to me again, and that was only after I contacted him and asked why he felt that he couldn't talk to me. I don't think he ever would have contacted me if I hadn't emailed him again.

We aren't reunited, but there's the distance factor (3 thousand miles!), so it's not really feasible anyway because he's still in grad school (PhD, which could take longer than expected), and he doesn't know where he'll end up afterwards. Of course I can't foresee the future, so who knows what might happen.

The stage you're in right now is probably the worst (I remember how awful it was for me), but it will definitely get better! I know it's cliche, but time definitely helps.

thank you for your reply.

I would like some closure if nothing else. But being that he is so black and white its like once that door is shut i dont know how to get it open again.

I have done over 4 years on and off with the love of my life who hates my guts right now. I'm NT, he's Aspie. Once, we had no contact for 8 months and now we have had contact only twice since early Dec. 2012 (it's now July 2013). The last time I spoke to him was early Feb. 2013, so 5 months now. It's devastating. Some people just can't sustain the energy it takes to have a relationship and their lives are more pleasant alone without any pressure or just with platonic friends. The love/sex/romance thing just freaks 'em out. I suggest you join DelphiForums and their AS Partners group or get support at another Delphi Group called AspieDivorce. PM me if you want.

Very late to this thread so not really expecting a reply. I'm an aspie needless to say. I met a lovely NT lady online last year. She has her own anxiety issues but we overcame most of those together. We dated for three months -- a very intense loving relationship. Then we moved in together and everything fell apart. I couldn't cope with the sudden multiple changes, had a meltdown and came across as 'cold and heartless.' In one evening I destroyed everything and I've been in despair ever since. I so much want her back but she doesn't want to know. As someone mentioned earlier, NT's go for the 'no contact' option. She changed her email, blocked me on FB and ignored my texts. As far as I know she's still single but as far as she's concerned it's over permanently.
The guilt and loss is still eating me alive 10 months later and I can't move on.

Hopefully the OP has resolved the issue one way or the other by now, but I would say that Aspies don't always mean what they say or do, even if at the time they seem certain. We are often driven by circumstances and routine. We need more patience than most. Our intentions are usually good but delivering in a NT way can be close to impossible.
Any NT taking on an Aspie partner has to face that there are great rewards but also serious drawbacks.

I would like to share this experience I had. When my GF broke up with me I was devestated. I was depressed for two days. On the morning of the third day I could see that the sun was shining and I could here the birds singing and I put it behind me.

A few months later she left a note on my partment door. Two years after that we were married. Four years later my son was born. 9 years after the birth of my son we were divorced (this July).

BTW What is a meltdown?