Is it impossible for me to love NTs profoundly?

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I've had difficulty falling in love. I'd like to know why that is.

There are many more NT than AS people, so if I cannot truly fall in love with NTs, that would be a good explanation.

So is loving NTs something you can "learn" yourself? Or am I destined to have to find an AS partner (they are rather difficult to find irl!).


I realise "true love" for me is much about eliminating the pack mentality (i.e. eliminating the competition) between two individuals: an initial competition is necessary, and then that's it. NTs are very reluctant to do this, they actually want the relationship to be based on a mutual ongoing competition, so therefore it gets very difficult to feel true love for them. I cannot see the competition as love. Love is the cooperation. How can I possibly work around this?

Well, falling in love is not meant to be easy, if you mean true love. You need to get to know someone on the basis of dating first, which is, in my view, the best way to remain loyal and let the love grow into a gf/bf thing. If you have not dated before, then you are probably not actually having a problem at all. Many times, taking it slow is the best way. Also if you are attracted to someone, and their personality, then ask that if they would like to go for a cup of coffee, and talk about shared interests. This way, even though sexual attraction has not yet happened, it may grow to this. Many people make the mistake of taking an attraction for granted because they do not yet feel sexually attracted, or feel that they might not become anything more. If you get to know this person after hanging out awhile (and making sure she's single), ask her out on a date. Love is meant to be grown, never harvested out of anyone. If you have been looking at those you are only sexually attracted to, and thinking you can't find true love because of this, your fooling yourself. In fact the best relationships are NOT love at first sight or infatuations, they are grown over time. So remember, your not incapable, your just looking to far into your future with the people you find attractive. It isn't true love at first, it is true love towards bf/gf.

If you do not wish for a serious true love, then you are barking up the wrong tree, you can't have true love without being serious. Also marriage is up to you, many people will tell you they don't prefer to be married, but that is silly if you and the person you do fall in love with would be considered inseparable, correct? Also, being married helps with kids, it shows mommy and daddy always want to be together.

Not sure what you mean by competition. With whom? For what?

My husband loves me and I am NT.

I don't really understand why you think you might not be able to.

qawer, I am asking myself the very same questions, believe me. 41 years old, never have had sex or a serious relationship. Do I have an ugly face or something? What am I missing here? Am I being punished or something? I wish I knew.

I agree with appletheclown.

Competition in the social hierarchy. Constantly proving to each other that their social status is good enough compared to the other. I don't feel that as love - I see many NTs do, however. "He has better social status than I do, that makes me truly love him". I guess these feelings stem from the innate pack mentality that I don't have.

It is really mockery between the partners that is going on seen from my point of view. If they are about equally strong they "decide"/feel they love each other. Oppositely I would just be annoyed by such remarks. The difference is that they have an innate pack mentality, and I don't.

I've really tried to follow along the lines of this love concept. Trying to love the person for how well they are doing, how much confidence they have, how much they dare to belittle me...but...nothing. I feel nothing. I don't love them. It doesn't reach to me. It's just superficial. So I don't get feelings for them or miss them, and the "relationship" goes nowhere...



Because I don't consider love based on social status true love. If you love someone because you want them, not wanting them because you love them, you don't truly love them in my opinion. In theory NTs might agree, but in real life most don't. They feel they truly love another person because they want them.

Thank you for the explanation.

I don't view social status as important and I am NT.

It's true however that people often end up within their 'caste' in some way. I would probably not meet and might feel out of place daily in an environment I was not used to. That means both living on skid row and living in Buckingham Palace.

I do believe love conquers all but also that there is no reason to purposely add stress to a relationship by seeking outside one's experience or comfort zone, unless one has a risk taking personality.

Could it be a cultural norm? I don't know what your cultural background is. Some societies place a high value and meaning on caste and social strata.

I just want to say that all NTs are not like that. In some ways it's a superficial criteria, although again, I have taken notice that most people do end up marrying within their general economic background, mainly due to shared experiences.

Also there are always exceptions to the rule, such as a person born poor but who has all the makings of a future CEO, or someone who really hates high society who really just wants a quiet country life.

Hi Popsicle, thanks for your post.

The problem is that life is much about not caring too much in general. That is basically what people call confidence. If you care too much you are going to die in this world. That's why you should not care too much.

But what I fall in love with is exatcly people who do care. One could claim I have a "sick" mind for feeling that way, but that is how I feel.

People who genuinely don't care are (often) those with the most confidence - I cannot truly love them. There is nothing to truly love. I don't want to love them for their survival abilities as people usually do or are "supposed to". It's not true love, just survival.

Loving someone who genuinely do care is true love for me. If you blindly accept pack mentality the way many NTs do it, you cannot care that much the way I see it. Pack mentality is fundamentally about making some individuals more important than others, or making a social hierarchy. That why I don't like it. And this is where people would say I care too much about it. I avoid this pack mentality unless I'm forced to participate in it if I want to survive.

Life should be fair, so I only care as much about by surroundings as they care about me. Unfortunately this means I most of the time don't care that much.

For me is impossible to love anyone profoundly.
May a person be neurotypical or not, it would change nothing.

I'm neither interested in getting to know other people that aren't neurotypical, I simply don't feel the need.
Even if I knew some, I wouldn't feel they are "like me", because no one is.

The only non-neurotypical guy I know IRL is a dyslexic guy, but I don't feel he's "more like me".

I can't feel deep love.
The highest type of love I can feel is tenderness, or a little more than tenderness.

I guess that's because I'm too self-centered.

That's what I feel many NTs are. It's difficult for me to love when I'm the opposite. I care very much. but not if I'm not cared about. I don't want to be made a fool of for being caring.

I think that everyone is self-centered, to certain degree.
Some people are self-centered to a very low degree; others to a very high one.

I agree. It's just not easy to love people when I feel like I care more than the average.

I don't think pack mentality or self centeredness or selfishness is an NT trait. More a dependent or a narcissistic trait, in that order.

Anyone can have those traits.

I have known and known of plenty of NT who care about others and put themselves last and or march to a different drummer and or are highly introverted.

Ditto.

My partner is an Aspie, we have an incredible connection and together for a good few years now. We have our own routine and he was the first to tell me he loved me unconditionally. I was the first woman he said I love you to. I think the right person has to come along to find profound love. I don't believe it is just an issue for someone with aspergers.

I've actually signed up here specifically to discuss this issue. I'm not sure if I've ever truly loved anyone, or if I'm capable of ever doing so.

Of course, it could also be that my "love circuitry" is just burned out after a long, troubled and ultimately disastrous marriage that ended about 4 years ago. Twelve years after meeting my now-ex, I can't remember if I loved her or if I was just overjoyed to find someone who would put up with me.

I've tried dating several times since my divorce, usually through dating sites. The only women that have been interested in me were ones I wasn't interested in. Others didn't stay around long enough for me to decide if I liked them or not. Several were put off by behaviour I now recognise as Aspie-ish. (I'm 40, and I was only diagnosed at 38, after I'd already started dating again.)

I've been obsessed with having a girl-friend ever since my late teens. Really obsessed, thinking that it would change my whole miserable life for the better. (Remember, I still had no idea that I was AS, so I didn't understand why I was miserable.) But in the last year or two that need has diminished significantly, as for the first time in decades I have a circle of friends and an active social life.

So I'm really in a quandary: Am I suffering from some aspie-specific lack of emotional capacity? Or is it just that my current circumstances would have made it just as hard for an NT to "find true love"? Complicating the equation still further are the drugs: I'm on drugs for all my other issues, including epilepsy, depression, high blood pressure, and ADHD. Those are probably blunting my emotional response in general.

I am and have been seeing a therapist for years, and I have raised these issues with her, but I would also like to hear the experiences of others in my position.