NT Crushing On An Aspie

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Hello, my name is Nicole, I’m 25 years old, and an NT. I apologize for the long post, but please take a few minutes to read it. I’m too lost and confused. A few months ago I began work as a secretary at a large Mechanical Engineering firm in Minneapolis and that’s where I met Daniel. Daniel, is 28, highly intelligent (has a PhD in Mechanical Engineering), handsome, with short blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, tall (around 6'1"), has a nice body, a boyish shy, with a gorgeous smile, very innocent and well dressed.
Anyways, so I decided to ask around my co-workers about him and they all responded with the same "He’s cold, and distant, but polite. Just leave him alone". He always seems to hang out alone in the cafeteria at work, never attends company parties and gatherings, and constantly refuses invitations by colleagues for after work beer. I’m generally a confident and willed individual, so I struck up conversations with him a lot, yet I was never able to go anywhere with him. He’s reserved, and just comes off as... emotionless. I decided to ask my boss what’s up with him, and she confessed to me that he has Aspergers Syndrome but is a very valuable member of the company and the employees are best to give him his space and not bother him. To be honest, I had a very vague idea of what Aspergers Syndrome is, so I went online and did plenty of research and everything became much clearer to me. So I took the route of being direct, I asked him if he would be interested in going out with me on a date, he said yes. We went out after work for dinner; to me the date was the worst I’ve been on my entire life. He didn’t flirt with me, pay me any attention, he tried to compliment me a few times but in a very weird way, but he was a complete gentleman he paid for dinner, opened the door for me, pulled out the chair for me, but he was so awkward and uncomfortable it made me feel uncomfortable too, but he seemed to think everything went fine. He texted me later and said he had a great time and I’m a nice girl. We went out a few more times, and things were getting better and he seems to have loosened up a bit, he spoke about his childhood, dreams, told me he was diagnosed with AS when he was 5 years old. He invited me to his apartment a few days ago, very clean and tidy and organized, he seemed hate it if I tried to touch anything other than the glass of wine he poured me. He was just sitting there waiting for me to do something, so I came closer and we made out, but it felt like I was teaching a 10 year old how to kiss, he then suddenly stood up and locked himself in his bedroom for a bit. What was that about? He seems like he doesn’t have any experience with women and sex whatsoever, yet he’s so handsome lots of women would be more than willing to go home with him and show him a good time. I don’t think he’s asexual; he seemed to get quite horny when kissing me and was up for more.
Anyways I still can’t seem to understand him, he's so odd at times, I like him a lot, he's sweet in his own way, very intelligent and seems to know about anything and everything. I don’t know how to behave with him, how to approach him, should I go out with him? Will it just result in heartbreak? How do I know he’s interested in me, he never shows any signs of interest, at times I feel he’s repulsed by me. I hate being direct with him all the time; it makes me feel like he's a big baby boy that needs guidance. Do NT's dating Aspies go through what I’m going through? How do NT's dating Apsies handle these situations? I just want to know what’s going on in his head. All these online articles make it seem really easy when dealing with Aspies (no offence to Aspies).
I’m a new WrongPlanet member, and any input from Aspies and NT's would be most welcome. Thank you very much, and again apologize for the long post.

A lot of people, such as myself, with the condition feel a bit uncomfortable with physical contact. Subtleness also is hard to get. A relationship with an autistic person that is like me would go very slow.

The door thing... not every autistic person would realize that was rude. He was probably overwhelmed.

Expressionless, not emotionless. Some autistic people (not me in this case) have trouble with facial expressions. He feels all the same emotions as everyone else.

Nicole, I am married to an Aspie for 34 years. We've known each other since we were both 13. I am considered NT with some characteristics of AS, and have other challenges. Even though we love each other very much, we display it differently. Our communication with each other has improved through the years, yet it takes great effort and desire. We study a variety of books together on AS once a week so that we can get better at it. In my opinion, where you go with your relationship will depend much on what you want out of it. With all the effort that we put forth, we both admit that we both have limitations that we at the moment haven't learned to bypass. With all that said, I must say, I would not change a thing as I cannot imagine a better partner in life. My Aspie girl is most open with me, and what she shares is her best and is most beautiful in my eyes.

Nicole,

I just think that maybe Daniel isn't used to a woman actually liking him and wanting to be around him. Personally, I would like to go up to him and say, "What's with you, man? Here's a woman who actually likes you, wake up!!" I would say, just try to be patient with him and don't give up just yet. And, if you do want to go out with him, do let him know that you do want to. Unfortunately, aspies are not good at all with social cues or even subtle hints, we have to have things literally spelled out for us, I'm sad to say. That's the reason why still to this day I haven't met the right woman yet, perhaps one day I will. Hang in there, and good luck, I think if you stick with Daniel, maybe things will work out for you both!

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I started getting freaked out when I first got in a relationship with someone. I had no clue what was expected of me, how I would be seen, or how the whole situation going on would play out. The simplest advice I could give is to give him a clear picture of your initial expectations or lack thereof. Not a crushingly blunt one, but if possible, reassurance that the relationship you're pitching to him won't become anything he's not ready for. edit- or that you haven't talked about.

Another thing to consider, is that some of us can get a bit stuck wondering which "way" to do something to please NT people, sometimes making things tense and awkward. I had problems like that with my boyfriend, agonizing over where to go and what to do and what's just plain awkward. I had a lot of stress over whether I would be able to handle things or not, whether I was entertaining or boring, etc.

On the subject of emotional expression, I'd say the ways I felt myself express attraction were as follows: either far more eye-contact or far more aversion to it, flushing in cheeks and ears, a lot of clarification, silence turning into a long ramble, and a lot of clinginess.

Your mileage may vary. I'm only one person on the forum, and I 'm not exactly typical in this area.

Is that your real first and last name? Be careful!

You did good to be direct.

You have to understand a lot of people with AS are shunned socially. They are usually the ones who get picked on, ostricied and made fun of, so whereas you may have dated in the past, he may have very little experience with dating. Even the more decent looking ones can sometimes be shunned.

People with AS can struggle to express themselves and many struggle with physical contact.

You have to decide, do you like him enough to work past these issues? They won't go away.

He is just being embarrassed. If this happened to me, I might do the exact same. You need to set a guidelines list. It is best for aspies of course to take it slow which you have been doing a very good job at, I might add. Making sure he is ok with the touching you are giving him is important. He will come back and apologize most likely and say something like "Please don't be upset". He doesn't know how to act in this situation, so treat him with a gentle touch, and he will come around eventually. Just make sure you are direct, and know his boundries.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will follow your advice. I will try and take things slow, be patient and understanding. Hopefully things between us will continue to grow into something beautiful.

The way to deal with him really depends on how severe his AS is. The most important thing is that you have to throw out your expectations. As an NT, and judging by your avatar, a very beautiful one, you likely have considerably more experience than he does. When you say that he kisses like a ten year old, or dates poorly, that's because he has no idea what he's doing. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to give you what you want. He simply doesn't know how. In this case, patience is very much a virtue.

Also, I understand how frustrating it can be having to use the direct approach all of the time, but there's a good chance that that's how it's going to have to be, for however long your relationship lasts. Aspies take everything literally. Everything. I'm barely Aspie, but it still took me years to learn to pick up on basic body language, let alone how to pick up on intended meanings. Our brains, for the most part, aren't wired like that. Even direct statements can be confusing, depending on what's said. I was on a date a few years back. My partner at the time said, quite unintentionally (As was her habit, thinking out loud), "God, you drive me crazy." She meant that she very much liked me, but my mind, unused to that sort of attention, assumed that she meant that I was pissing her off. Of course, it would have been absurdly clunky and lacking in panache to say "I am very attracted to you right now," but that's the sort of phrase that must be used in communicating with Aspies.

As far as whether he's interested... well, the fact is if he's willing to risk going out with you even once, he's interested. Whether you should go through with it is a bit more complicated. He has to be willing to compromise as much as he's capable (depending on the severity of his symptoms, capability is extremely variable). You will have to compromise a great deal, yourself, and the relationship will be very different than what you're used to. If you do really want to go through with it, then my advice is to find out what his special interest is (Not hard. What does he talk about 90% of the time?) and use it against him. If he's interested in trains, have him show you around a railyard. That kind of thing. Train him over time to step out of his comfort zone, and eventually he'll learn to empathize with you and be more willing to do the things you're interested in.

I second the comment on using an avatar instead of your real picture and having a name other than your real one. It is important to be careful in this day and age.

I never went on my first date until 29 and to be honest, before that I hadn't a clue how to act around women period. Apparently I creeped them out but I still can't figure out why to this day because dating wasn't really a high priority with me. I will second the idea that he's likely never had a girlfriend, was picked on a lot growing up and is very guarded. I know two years ago if a woman asked me out, I would expect it was because she was trying to drug me, humiliate me or take advantage of me in some way due to my negative experiences in the past being shunned almost constantly until the age of 17.

That sounds very similar to how I would have acted at 28. I simply wouldn't have had a clue what to do on a date and would have to rely on terrible PUA advice to even pretend to know what I was doing. I would imagine you need to be patient and "motherly" at first but in the end it will be well worth it. My AS symptoms have greatly leveled off the past year or two but when I was his age, I can guarantee I would have acted the exact same way.

Don't for a moment think moment think that he is emotionless. He probably likes you very much too.

How it is going OP? Can we get an update?

When I first start seeing my partner, I found it difficult to understand him but over time with patience and understanding I start to understand who he was, and what a wonderful man he is.

It takes time, it can become frustrating at times and if your needs are not being met the best thing I can say to you is tell him clearly. You may have to compromise but have patience, be understanding and it may just be the most beautiful and rewarding relationship you will ever have. The traits he has is probably what makes him so interesting and unique.

It's OK about the long post but some paragraph breaks might have been nice. But, welcome.

I'm NT and wanted to reply to a couple of things in particular.