"She" was right there... and she went away

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Hi everybody!

My topics could sound weird and crazy, but here is one of my latest experience with an unforgettable NT girl...

We met on a "geek site", last December. Two weeks later, we were each night on Skype, and we talked during hours through cam.
After 2 months (february), we decided to met in real life. We were so excited and afraid at the same time.
At this time, I knew she was THE girl I looked for years. She tought I was THE different guy, she wanted to met. She knew I had asperger and was so cool with that. Our feelings were true, I guess.

Then, I went to her city. We spent hours together, in her appartment. It was so great.
And I came back to my home.

2 weeks later, I received an email saying: "look, it's not your fault. But I know that I don't love you and I will not love you in the future. So it's better if we stop that now. I think I can't handle your AS."
How one can be so sure about the future?! She was cool with my AS and now she say she can't handle this?

And it was done... 2 wonderful months ruined in 1 email.
Since then, I wonder what was/is wrong with me? Where did I fail? I am also led to think that this was a "physical" problem and I am not enough "beautiful" or whatever for her.
No more news... Total blackout.

Do you have ever experience such miserable thing?!
I feel so lonely since "I have lost her". Too much hope... maybe this was my error.

Now at almost 32, I am still alone and so depressed, but I know that I am not the only one in this stupid case!
I am now convinced that I will spent my life alone. This was already the case, but this experience reinforces it.

I didn't imagine anything in my little story above. This is, I guess, a good (short) summary.
What do you think?
Replies of aspie girls would also help me, so do not hesitate!
Thank you very much for spending some time with my topic.

Best!

I've only ever noticed colder shoulders than that. Since high school I've been in the habit of telling my closer friends about my AS, so I suppose my best suggestion is to thank her if she's the first to pass you by IN PLAIN ENGLISH, as opposed to ignoring your messages and treating you as a disappointment. It could lend her a lot of perspective.

(I'm NT btw) From what i've read, you sound like a lovely guy. You had deep feelings for her and she wasn't just someone you "slept" with, like I see so many other guys on this site brag about -_-.... That puts you head and shoulders above many guys in the "dating" department lol.

First of all, I wouldn't take it personally. Unfortunately I have done this a thousand times, thinking what was wrong with me? what did I do? etc. etc. however usually there is no real "reason" just that the feelings waned. She might have used your AS as an excuse, or it could have been the real reason. If so, I can understand, some people can't deal with other people's AS especially if they have their own problems. But whatever it was you have to accept you, for you, you're not going to change and she is missing out on a good thing by only focusing on what she "can't handle" and how does she even know, if you only spent one day together -_-.

Yes I have experienced similar and I don't even have AS, I have heard many other excuses, the worst one being "i'm not good at this" huh.. yeah you're not XD. You are super young still at 32 and there are ladies out there who are single and looking at that age, my ex co-worker for one lol. When you finish this kind of relationship depression does set in, but give it a few days/weeks and you'll feel better soon. I recommend watching horror movies, they're the best for scaring you out of your heart break XD.

Hope things get better for you soon!

Apologies accepted!



No sex, just two kisses... May be I kiss like a fish or whatever!



Thanks a lot for what you have written! ...I have to accept "me for me"... Fortunately, now, the "depression moments" went away... But at this time I hated myself and my AS. And yes, I confirm, this was my head at that time: -_-



Right! I know that! XD



Are you sure? lol



yeah, but where?!



hoo okay...



Thank you for your advices, but horror movies are not my "thing"... I don't want to have a heart attack! XD
But thx a lot!! !

Thank you also to cberg for his participation.
If you still want to say something... related to this please feel free to write what you think! It is always helpful to have other point of views.

Any time. As a fellow geek, my layman's advice is to drink some tea and cease predicating your emotions on orange or grey dots.

You can't control whether other people like you. I think what probably happened was that you fit what she consciously believes she wants in a boyfriend, but didn't make her "feel" like how she wanted to feel. Most women don't have any idea what they actually want, so you shouldn't feel bad about not being able to give it to them.

You did it once, you can do it again. Just because this one rejected you after a couple of kisses and not much else doesn't mean that the next one will. Do not set your hopes, or gaping lack of all hope, on this girl: she is not some kind of goddess. Move on! Next!! !

If only you knew how wrong you might be...

Anyways one of my shot in the dark instant messages just got a response. The more you turn this over in your head, the better for you, her, and any potential there is left for you to break all that negative stigma. I would know, I've only been repeating the process since 3rd grade...

The way I see it; SHE lost YOU, and eventually she'll figure that out and rue the day she sent that Email. By that time, my earnest hope is that you are with the one you were MEANT to be with.

And they say we learn things late

It sounds like you reached the "living together" phase even if briefly. A lot of relationships fail at that point. It is said that you don't really know someone until you live with them.

She is probably as disappointed as you, as it sounds like you were both very hopeful of something happening between you. Unfortunately, real life is way different to messages and webcam. It doesn't matter how long you Skype for, when you meet up there's always the chance that it's really not going to be "like you expected" or "like you hoped".

There are too many possible reasons why it didn't work for her, so I don't think it can be figured out unless she tells you more specifically what the problem was. I don't know if others feel this way, but if I reject someone I usually prefer to be as honest as I can, but without going into the details. That's because this person who I can't see myself in a relationship with might have some quality or something that is a negative for me, but not necessarily for the next prospective partner. If I tell the person exactly what was "wrong" with them, they may feel that this quality is a universally agreed flaw and even worse, think they can't fix it and therefore despair. I don't like to think that I could cause such unnecessary torment in a person.

My best guess is that she was fine with the AS qualities she was exposed to via remote communication, but the extra information she got when you met in real life let her to realise that she couldn't develop deep feelings for you (or her feelings changed). The attraction you were both hoping for wasn't there from her side, and that's a shame.

Why it's often the female who gets 'disappointed' on real life meetup after long online communication?

That is the question!! !...

By the way, thank you guys for your replies! I appreciate.

I still feel depressed, four months later, when I think about that. And I would like to move on!
I don't understand why I react like this. Now, one can say that it's a waste of time, right? So, I have to clean up my mind.

AS has nothing to do with it, other than maybe she thought you were using it as a crutch/excuse for your behavior and thus she probably assumed that you would never take responsibility and learn to calibrate your behaviors accordingly.

First of all, it was an online relationship. Even though you were on Skype, you can't touch a person while online, let alone be intimate with someone.

How do you know this? What kind of discussions were you having? Were they ones of deep emotion? Even if she told you this word for word doesn't necessarily make it true. What a woman says can be incongruent with what she feels, and what she feels at one moment can be completely different from what she feels in another.

Also, what happened when you were over at her appartment? Were you sitting close to each other? Were you getting intimate? If not, that's a problem right there. She was hoping that you would escalate things when you were over at her place, but if you didn't then she's going to assume you're not really into her or are just afraid to do anything, which turned her off.

Most importantly, I can tell based on your post that you put a lot of investment in her when you say things like you "lost" her even after a two month non-relationship online, and then you go and say you are alone and depressed, and feel that you will be that way for the rest of your life. When you think this, you speak it VERY loud even when you don't say it, and she picked up two things that will drive any woman away: neediness and insecurity.

So to take away from this:

1) You need to work on yourself before you even consider getting into a relationship with someone. If you can't love yourself and be happy with who you are and what you have, and realize that true happiness can only come from within and never from any external source, how do you expect a woman to love you?

Misery is not attractive
-Casanova

2) The undeniable truth is you become what you think about.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.
-Mahatma Gandhi

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
-Buddha

The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.
-Confucius

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.
-Marcus Aurelius

Women desire to be with someone who they see as the perfect gentleman - their Prince Charming so to speak. All you have to do is simply make her feel that fantasy, which can be much easier to do online than in person. A lot of women like to imagine what the date, when you finally meet, is going to be like...one that makes her feel good.

This is why I don't like online dating and have thus moved away from it. It's much easier to meet women in person. You don't have super high expectations you have to live up to, and you don't get filtered out as easily due to other guys bombarding her (although it still happens). The only thing is you have to deal with rejection, which will happen but the more it happens the less impact it has.

Happened to me like a billion times. Pushing too much, or moving too fast. Said the wrong things, unnecessary things. Didn't sugar coat them....