"I really like you"......

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Alla
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26 May 2013, 3:26 pm

Have been seeing this AS man for about six months now. We slept together too soon and he broke it off after a few weeks, saying that he likes me but is not in love with me. Fast forward two months later, we get back together. Two months ago, he told me that he "really, really likes me and that sex is different with someone you really like." Recently he said that he had a vivid dream about me, and this is a person who rarely remembers his dreams.

Do you think that it is possible this guy is falling in love with me? He certainly likes me a lot more now than he did before. Are AS men slow to fall in love with others?

Fnord
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26 May 2013, 3:36 pm

Alla wrote:

Do you think that it is possible this guy is falling in love with me?

Maybe, but you should ask him instead of us. While you're at it, mention the word 'marriage' and see how he reacts. If he suddenly gets nervous or wants to know why you're thinking about getting married after the two of you have had sex, then he may not really love you at all.

Alla wrote:

Are AS men slow to fall in love with others?

No slower or faster than non-AS men, it seems.

smudge
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26 May 2013, 3:41 pm

Fnord wrote:

While you're at it, mention the word 'marriage' and see how he reacts. If he suddenly gets nervous or wants to know why you're thinking about getting married after the two of you have had sex, then he may not really love you at all.

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

Fnord
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26 May 2013, 3:43 pm

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

Personal experience?

Better to know now than later ... like when she's well into her second trimester ...

Kuribo
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26 May 2013, 3:45 pm

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.

Fnord
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26 May 2013, 3:52 pm

Kuribo wrote:

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.

No force involved. Alla could just ask something like, "Have you ever thought much about what it might be like to be married?"

Alternatively, she could just leave a few magazines for brides laying around her place, or even start humming Wagner's "Bridal March" the next time they go for a stroll.

How else is she going to find out if the bloke really loves her, or if he's just interested in her for a "Ride on the Y-Train".

Alla
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26 May 2013, 3:56 pm

Fnord wrote:

Kuribo wrote:

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.

Ummmm, that's a bit premature. Guaranteed to scare the guy away. If he isn't sure what he wants to do, bringing up marriage will probably make things worse.

I know he likes children. We've talked about other people's babies and he loves taking care of them.

aspiemike
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26 May 2013, 5:04 pm

I would say it's best not to let good memories be ruined by things either. Maybe the first step is to ask if he enjoys spending time with you. He should obviously know the answer to that question. Asking him how he feels could take a bit of time for a response, so don't be offended if you don't get an immediate answer. Love does take time to develop for anyone, so I guess patience may or may not pay off.

appletheclown
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26 May 2013, 5:06 pm

Wouldn't scare me away.

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girly_aspie
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26 May 2013, 5:17 pm

Be up front, ask him, don't hint about marriage.

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Alla
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26 May 2013, 5:21 pm

aspiemike wrote:

You are right in that he needs to think about the answer. I've found that I had to tell him what I want and how I feel two or three times and let him think about things for a while. For example, I had to tell him that I want cuddling after sex. He didn't do it much for the first two weeks but after that he slowly started cuddling me more and more.

Recently, I broke it off with him because I told him that I need to be with someone who loves me and I didn't think he really did. I told him that he seems to only want me for sex. That's when he said he really liked me but nothing more. He just seems confused. Three weeks after the breakup and after no contact, we are trying to get back together again, but very slowly.

1401b
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26 May 2013, 6:11 pm

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

DITTO!!

Men in love introduce marriage all too soon, and right now is MUCH too soon.

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smudge
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26 May 2013, 6:27 pm

appletheclown wrote:

Wouldn't scare me away.

Really? I'd never have got that impression of you.

Who_Am_I
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26 May 2013, 7:12 pm

Fnord wrote:

Kuribo wrote:

smudge wrote:

Fnord wrote:

NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.

I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.

The guy might not know himself. He might think that she's a great person and that he'd like to stay with her for now to see where things go.
Not everyone falls madly in love the first time they bonk someone.

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Shatbat
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26 May 2013, 7:26 pm

First, nope, don't ask him about marriage. I wonder why did people assume that was
what you were after.

And now to answer your question, although love is a strong word to use, I can say that he iw probably developing feelings for you. I can't talk for aspies, but I, at least, like to take things slow, and what he said doesn't sound unlike me if I was in that situation.

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kabouter
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26 May 2013, 8:38 pm

Alla wrote:

aspiemike wrote:

Maybe he is confused, how was he supposed to show that that he didn't only want you for sex?

The phrase "really love" can be taken as an absolute commitment to someone, which is a very strong statement, and he might not be sure this is so. Also the statement "realy likes" can be quite a strong statement for an aspie, especially if "but nothing more" was something you added.

So rather than ask if he really loves you, talk about what he wants from the relationship, and what you expect from him to convince you that he has the required level of commitment.

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