how do I support my loved ones meltdowns?

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Joined: 10 May 2013
Age: 40
Gender: Female
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11 May 2013, 3:35 am

Hello to you all! Im new. Dont have autism or anything like, but recently I've fallen for a guy with Asperger's. I try very hard to understand him and to learn what I can about his AS. My biggest question lately is how to deal with and help him through meltdowns. I've tried leaving him completely alone and going for a walk so he would have time to cool off and collect his thoughts. It sorta worked for the moment and when he was in a better state of mind, we were able to effectly communicate about what triggered him to become so angry.

Me, walking away everytime like i did, can't always happen. I / we need to find other solutions to the situations of his meltdowns. I have started to recognize when they can potentially happen, but after that, I'm at a loss as to what I can do on my part other than listen to him talk it out or walk away and give him alone time. (Which he doesn't want me to do some of the time)

zena4
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11 May 2013, 3:52 am

Hello Rudybega,

How old are you, the two of you? If I may ask.

Because it won't be the same if you're 16 or 35 or 64 or more or less.

Kinme
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11 May 2013, 4:45 am

Lots and LOTS of patience. Explain to them the reality of the situation, and that it will pass. The only way it works for me, to stop the meltdown, is to focus on something other than what caused the meltdown in the first place. I need to cool down, and then I can get back to what we were conversing about, or I can discuss why I had the meltdown to begin with.

Popsicle
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11 May 2013, 8:15 am

Here is something I can speak to directly.

I too used to hop in the car and go somewhere else for a while, just to chill out myself. This was before I even knew what a meltdown was. I just knew something I hadn't seen before had happened, and it rattled me, and I couldn't derail it or stop it happening so I just had to leave a couple hours or so.

As time went by I really wanted to understand what was happening. Leaving out a lot of personal stuff from a public forum , eventually I read and figured out what was going on.

It was a huge relief to at least know it wasn't me and that there truly was nothing I could do about it, once it was happening. That allowed me to disconnect emotionally and not blame myself and feel extra crappy on top of how crappy and powerless I already felt seeing my loved one suffer through said meltdown.

I also began to notice that he always seemed to be OK afterward and frequently did not even remember anything leading up to it or about it or after it. :/

Sometimes it still affects me to the point I can't sleep afterward. Mainly that is if I feel like there was a communication problem and I am somewhat to blame. But other times I haven't even seen him that day. I have learned it's something he needs to do at times to process excessive buildup of stimuli, or something like that?

So if you have a problem of feeling bad and guilty and blaming yourself, maybe some of that will help you.

One thing you can do is just with time learn to notice what he is like before and after. Maybe you can even see signs a meltdown is building up and warn him so he can go chill or isolate or whatever, because sometimes that seems to stop it happening. I pretty much 'let' him do what he wants to because I'm fairly introverted anyway and I need my own time alone and he does even more so. I don't take that personally. It is how he is wired. So, less social pressure, even with you at times, could help.

Also, discover the joys of single hobbies, headphones, itunes, computer games...anything you can do alone that absorbs your focus. I fight stress a lot because of all of this, but, those are crucial coping mechanisms. If you have a support system, reach out for it when you need to. You don't have to tell them why. Just go have fun with them, or let them distract you.

Popsicle
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11 May 2013, 8:21 am

Please forgive the double post but, this is a totally different tactic which also really works. It may or may not work in your situation. Touch really seems to ground him. Gentle, but confident hands on shoulders, or feet on top of feet. Something silly like that, seems to ground and calm and comfort him.

That's personal and a bit embarrassing, but sometimes, touch works when words can't.

ShamelessGit
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11 May 2013, 8:59 am

I learned to deal with my meltdowns when I was a child. I've never heard of anyone else doing this, and my understanding is that learning to do things like this is much easier as a child, but I can explain what I did anyway.

When I started going to school, my parents often tried to wake me up by turning on my bedroom light, but the sharp transition that made hurt my eyes. I much preferred sitting awake in bed for a few minutes and looking around the room so that my eyes could adjust to being open, and then I'd turn on the light and look around for a few minutes (starting in dark corners, or with my face partially covered) so that I could adjust again. Just turning the light on like that was so painful that it made me cry. They didn't listen when I told them that it hurt; they thought I was just making an excuse for not getting up in the morning, so they did it more. So I figured that I'd have to find a way to start functioning quickly after the light had been turned on, so in my own time, after school ended, I practiced turning the light on after it had been dark and making myself look into the light. It was very painful the first few times I did it, but after doing that for a few minutes a day after several weeks it quit being painful. Now it is easier for me to look into the sun than it was to look into the light, although I don't like to do that of course because looking into the sun can actually hurt you.

I had numerous other similar sensitivities, like aversion to rapid temperature transitions, water pressure, the seams on the inside of clothes, high pitched noises, etc. I destroyed all those other sensitivities in a similar way. The last time I can remember having a melt-down caused by physical stimulus was when I was 18 and I noticed that the water from the shower hurt when it hit my lips, so I opened my lips up and put them close to the shower and let myself have a meltdown. I did that for a couple weeks and then the water quit hurting. I think the last meltdown I ever had was caused by being dumped b a girl I really liked, and that was also when I was 18.

Who_Am_I
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11 May 2013, 8:24 pm

May I ask why you can't walk away every time? Even if it's just to a different room.

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rudybega
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12 May 2013, 10:45 pm

Thank you all for your responses!

Xena4, im 28, he's 26

Popcicle, thank you! Your advice is very helpful.

ShamelessGit, you too were helpful.

Who I am, well its just who he is lol. I'm starting to think its because he doesnt want to be confined to just one room because at times its like im being chased out of one room and then another.

Luckily, I'm a very patient person and willing to try what I can to help him when he breaks down.