Dealing With Extreme Hatred Toward An Ex

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Y'all remember my series of threads from last year about how my ex had dumped me? Even though I'm no longer pining after him, and that I haven't been in contact with him for nine months, I'm now dealing with such extreme hatred toward the douche that I just don't know what to do with myself. Just earlier today I was looking at his Facebook profile and saw that he had burned his finger making hot chocolate, and I thought, "that's what you get, as*hole."

He dumped me for someone else by removing all contact with me. He knew damn well that it was hurting me, and yet he chose to ignore me. Now I honestly think he is just a sh***y person, and I kind of feel sorry for the b***h he's with now (I know it's irrational to call the guy he's with a b***h, but I can't help myself). Yet, at the same time, I feel a great deal of indignity over the sh***y way he broke up with me, and over the fact that he seems to be happy with this new person, whereas I haven't had a boyfriend since he left me. Where is the justice in that? Given what the douchebag put me through, I think I'm more deserving of a happy relationship.

If you've ever had to deal with unhinged rage toward an ex, how did you deal with it?

Live well. Keep the bitterness in the background, but don't let go of it completely. Utilise it as a catalyst, to go on to do better and brighter things and to be with better people. Be determined and resolute in what you want to do in life. And never surrender.

Smile at his misfortunes, but try not to obsess about it. I struggle with it, but you can't change or win with this thinking.

Be honest with yourself in regards to what you want and need. Figure out who you are. Forget about the person and just not give a damn about them.

If you're over him, what the hell are you doing on his facebook profile?

That too.

Facebook is an evil of this world.

Yes.

I did some immature things, hacked e-mail, left stupid messages on their webpage. I don't think it ever really goes away.

It does go away if you want to take back control of yourself and let go. It's not as hard as people make it out to be. It just takes time and some honest reflection and understanding your feelings. The feelings are what never goes away, it's the thoughts that need to go.

I check his profile periodically because I'm curious to see what he's up to, since we are no longer in contact. Most of his posts aren't even very interesting, but they do show how utterly incompatible we were in the first place, so it's just as well that we're no longer together.

You have to think there is a reason he broke up with you, like what you said you are not compatible.
Do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? It is living a lie.

No don't hate him and there is nothing wrong with him, things didn't work out. except it. You are probably using your anger to ease you hurt of rejection.

Stop checking his fb and completely get away from him. Like 9 months...

It is easy to break things up over telecommunications tech (for lack of a word for general electronic communications), sometimes even to break things off in your heart. Getting rid of the scar/filling the empty hole he left is hard, and unless you fill it with something positive, you will remain bitter. Before the anger grows, I suggest channeling it into a hobby of yours, or exercising, or making some dubstep, or something other than him. It is probably harder for us aspies to get over the betrayal or dumping caused by a boy friend or girl friend. We always seem to see the good in people then they tear your f*****g heart out by telling a hurtful lie, and upon finding out, they act like you are the bad guy for not forgiving them. We all have our little horrid memories that cause us to think "Why the hell do I still give a crap about that, my gosh I need more friends.." You just got to focus that brain on something productive, or fun and healthy. Don't get too upset either, or else you won't be able to actually forget. Just take some time to find something else to think about, and you'll do fine.

    I mean this honestly.
    Why are you asking?

    Are you looking for vengeance ideas? (got lots, most of them are humorously impractical)
    Are you simply starting a thread? (grats on alleviating some boredom for all of us)
    Are you simply venting off anger? (you go!! shout! kick! stick a muffin in ur eye!)
    Are you ranting? (this is soooo true!!)
    Are you looking for sympathy? (you poor, poor thing, he's such a bastage!)
    Are you testing your 'normalcy'? (this behavior is pretty normal, at least for MY ex'es)
    Are you trying to resolve uncomfortable emotions?
       (I have a real answer for this one, it is not short but I will personalize it... Stabilizing Autism/Unsolicited Advice )
    Do not go there if this last one is of no interest to you.
       (If you do go there, you can't whine if you don't like it.)

I suggest that you either avoid looking for references to this ex or absolutely FLOOD yourself with dwelling on this ex and sit there with a stopwatch and actually keep track of all the time, down to the fraction of a second, you've devoted to this person and then think of all the other really great things you might have been doing in that same time period. Remember the old phrase that is completely true: "The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference." You need to cultivate indifference. I would definitely NOT use another person as filler to deal with the pain of being on the rebound. Make new friends, do not let go of the friendships you have but DO give yourself the time to get this ex out of your system. If you find yourself getting off on a tangent that always finds you back on the subject on the ex, remember that your friends are not paid to be your therapists and even the best friends will eventually get tired of giving pretty much the same advice over and over again. People will love you, but when you don't listen they have a tendency to feel unappreciated.

Assume that your ex WILL hurt other people: you can't carry the weight of the world of your shoulders or run around with a neon sign keeping one step ahead of this fool flashing the words: "Beware of impending train wreck!" I'm NOT making fun, here...I know what you're going through, but you couldn't keep yourself from getting hurt -- how will you develop super powers to save others from getting clobbered much in the same way you did? You can't. How can you warn anyone that they're about to fall into a ditch if you're still stuck up to your axles in it?

This may be helpful. LIke 1401b, I have many vengeance ideas, but I tend to be a prankster. If you had a run-in with a controlling personality, here's some information I found that might be of use to you: http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Controlling-Person
If you didn't have a run-in with a controlling person, it's information that is great to have around in case one shows up:

Feelings are thoughts. I don't think about it as much over time, but it will always be there. I've found that substituting my earlier love for present hate is an important step that allows me to let go. At least I'm not going down that bad road of being obsessed about the person or stalking, I'm better than that. I do regret my earlier behavior, but it's like temporary insanity. It's more difficult for people like us since relationships in general are few and far between.

You have all rights to hate this guy, after all, he seems like an as*hole. You shouldn't let him take any of your time, but you shouldn't forgive him either (he probably hasn't even apologized). My ex cheated on me for some upper-class wuss because of his money, so I know how you feel.

The best way to get back at someone, be that a passive-agressive boss who took out his inadequacies on you, a bully or a bad ex, is to get better than them than something meaningful.

My passive-agressive former boss will always be a dropout with a low IQ and will never make much money (even if he thinks he's up there with the coorporate fag cats), my former bullies in school aren't nearly as strong as me today and my ex-girlfriend is still jumping from relationship to relationship, has never really achieved anything at an age of almost 33—and will proably never get married or have kids.

Building up a lot of anger within you isn't healthy; it can cause you to procrastinate when you should be working or studying, it can cause you to lash out on loved ones and so on. Find a way to let the anger out (this is one of the reason why I do weight lifting), and don't let anyone push you around.

I'm in a similar situation. I haven't talked to my ex in over a year, not much anyway except quick Twitter exchanges. But the "him" I know now is his gay side (he's the one who came out to me scared out of his mind as bisexual via Facebook) and I don't even think of him as my ex anymore. That sort of helped, seeing a totally different side of him. He's the one I posted a picture of with me in the "Close encounters with...an ex" thread. It was sort of easy for me to get over him by realizing that while he is a great person, gorgeous and great to have as a friend, he never was good boyfriend material (to me, anyway).

I broke off all contact with my ex, her friends, and most of her relatives.

Those relatives that I do maintain contact with hear only the good news about me, and even my Facebook account is optimistic and upbeat - lots of pictures of me surrounded by friends, meeting (minor) celebrities, and doing things like surfing, rock-climbing, bungee-jumping, and Dancing With the Stars!

... all without Photoshop, of course ...