Time to make a change

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I've learned a valuable lesson about myself. On Saturday I went to the movies with a girl who is my friend, whom I like, but whom is not ready to date as she's coming off a broken engagement about three to six months prior.

We had an excellent time, and wound up confiding a lot in each other. I actually revealed my autism to her, and she was very understanding. She made a comment though, which I will get back to in a second.

We walked back to the garage where we had both parked, and she asked me if she could give me a hug. In hindsight I see this was her being respectful of my space given her knowledge of autism. But I misread it, and asked if I could kiss her. She declined and to her credit was incredibly understanding and seemed not at all embarassed or upset.

But I hate myself for doing it all the same. I felt so disrespectful to her. I felt like I put her on the spot and she didn't deserve that. I came away feeling so ashamed, at having gone and ruined a perfectly good outing between friends, because I couldn't keep my damned emotions in check.

And getting to her comment. When I revealed my AS status, she nodded and mentioned that she had noticed things about me, that I did act just a little different. I realize the way she meant it, was from a point of view of understanding, like, "Oh, that explains it," and she has some familiarity with the syndrome.

But all the same, it just hit home a basic fear I have, that no matter how hard I try to act normal and be like everyone else and act charming and outgoing and worldly and not at all weird or abnormal, it still just sneaks out.

I discovered that there is no possible hope for me that I can be anything other than what I am. There is no use trying to be something I'm not, or to try and be more than what I am. There is no one for me, and I'm never going to earn someone's love.

So I'm done. I'm gonna erase my online dating profiles, and stop with all this dating nonsense. Going to avoid all romantic fixation and wear my virginity with a badge of honor, and give it up for no one. Going to rededicate my life to SOMETHING I can manage on my own, and accept a life of solitude, focusing instead on achieving something lasting in another regard, independent of love or women or any of that silly nonsense which I have wasted so much precious time on already, and only wound up hurting other poor women who were just being nice to me but never had any feelings for me beyond pity. Time instead to get busy with the business of living and devoting myself one hundred percent to my work and nothing else, and repress those silly romantic desires deep down until they fade away and I'm free from all these illusions of companionship or love.

Because the honest truth is, very few of us here will ever find love, only people with dishonest motives or people who mean well but would never, ever choose us, because they can do better. We must all find happiness on our terms and reject the idea that love or companionship is the way.

I think this may too be my last posting. I know what I lousy person I've been, and now that I've given up on love for good, maybe I can focus more on being a better human being.

I don't think you should give up over your aspie mistake. She understood and there will be other understanding women out there.

Inb4 the insulting posts telling you that you're weak and spineless, and that you should be "comfortable in your own skin" which people NEVER define. And that if you're "comfortable with yourself" (the term itself sounds laughable) that women will automatically fall all over you. You know those posts are coming, don't deny it.

By all means, Billiscool, give up! It's easier than actually learning a lesson from your experience.........

I did learn a lesson from it all, namely that I'm wasting my time and that of every woman who goes out with me, because I just simply don't have what a woman would want. It is time for me to dedicated my energies to other pursuit at which I might be more adept and successful.

I do have several very close friends, but honestly I don't know why they are my friends. They're such great people, and damned if I know what they take an interest at all in me. But only 2. I crave more friends, especially creative collaborators with whom I might work on artistic projects, but there's no one.

Which is why I must focus on being the best person I can be without relying on other people. Because I cannot rely upon them. They always move away, or get married and have kids and eventually I never see them again. My aim now is to avoid all that heartache, to devote myself to doing my own work alone and learning to live and love life by myself without others.

You made a mistake, s**t happens. Learn from it and move on. No need to give up.

NT's make mistakes when dating too.

whiterabbit, I want to step in here because...I'm in a similar boat.

Your friend forgave you, and as much as your mistake hurt give it time and forgive yourself like they forgave you. Instead of feeling ashamed, work towards things that will stop this happening in the future, or at least wait for her to initiate next time.

I did something stupid a couple of weeks ago, and had the same shame. It hurt a lot because someone I cared about so much saw me in a different light, even if only for a couple of hours.
We're talking again after what was a long and confusing week and a half for me.

Don't let it get the better of you it'll be ok.

whiterabbit, I want to step in here because...I'm in a similar boat.

Your friend forgave you, and as much as your mistake hurt give it time and forgive yourself like they forgave you. Instead of feeling ashamed, work towards things that will stop this happening in the future, or at least wait for her to initiate next time.

I did something stupid a couple of weeks ago, and had the same shame. It hurt a lot because someone I cared about so much saw me in a different light, even if only for a couple of hours.
We're talking again after what was a long and confusing week and a half for me.

Don't let it get the better of you it'll be ok.

I was fine with your post until the last part. If you want to give up on dating and romance and all that other stuff because you feel not adequate then go right ahead, hell I'm doing the same. But don't come here and say we are all destined to some BS. Your experience is not the overruling power to anyone else. Especially since the only thing we all share here is the nature of our condition, how it affects us and how we deal with it are much more individual than what you can imagine. So don't come and throw everyone under the bus because you can't deal it for yourself.

And for the next weekly thread like this, just copy and paste this message on there.

I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. You all have free will and I'm not stopping you from anything.

But I speak the truth when I say most of us won'tfind love, so we need to quit beating our heads against walls and find happiness alone.