trying to fix my marriage

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Ok so I messed up with my husband he says I cheated I say it was a mild flirtation in any case I need to fix things. He is away on vacation(without me) and he is coming back on the 5th.

I have done what he asked about the church and etc. I've no idea how to give him anything he has requested....emotional intimacy, how to rebuild the relationship, and the closeness he is now requiring as a prerequisite to staying with me. He says it should be simple for me to figure out and that my AS is no excuse.

I have bought myself a new dress, plan to fix my hair, and in general try to look presentable when he comes back....but I have no idea what to do about the above. I've also severely limited my contact with that friend and if necessary plan to drop him altogether although he is dating someone else now so I don't really consider that necessary.

Any other ideas how to accomplish the prerequisites he's set and/or fix my marriage?

What did you do? That is the first step to fixing it to figure out what exactly you did and where it ranks.

I know people who define cheating as vaginal intercourse (everything else is ok)

I know people who define cheating as giving pleasure to another, but receiving is ok.

I know people who define anything other than a platonic hug cheating.

If your husband feels you cheated, and you don't, that could be creating an emotional block. If you didn't do anything that is "cheating" he needs to accept that, if you did you need to accept that.

Perhaps some of his frustration is that you don't feel you did anything wrong, so how can you possibly rebuild trust?

nothing I would consider to terribly wrong in that nothing happened physically......I talked to and got close to my friend. We admitted it'd go nowhere. I never had sex with my friend, didn't even meet him to be honest, it was all hours of online chatting and basically it was never more than that aside from him asking me to move in with him and I admitted feelings for him. I briefly considered it but decided not to.

I admit it went further than it should however...

Its not going to be fixable until you work out why you acted on an attraction to someone else.
Cheating/flirting - whatever- shows your husband that you are not satisfied with him alone.

Think about why you did this -
To feel young again / to validate your attractiveness / not enough dates at school etc.
Take your husband on a "deja vu" date when he returns, to somewhere you went when you were at your happiest together.
Then explain that you want to feel like that again, with him.

What kind of affection does he like? Touching? Extra-special meals? There's something I saw once that might be useful if neither of you know what makes the other one feel close; the different love languages. It's a starting point, at least.

I don't know. I guess I'll have to figure that out. I've never done anything remotely like this before and the behavior was very out of character for me. It was all online so there were no dates or anything like that. He, my friend, never complimented me on my physical appearance in any way, there was no discussion about sex or physical affection between us, he was just nice to talk to and it was nice to have someone to listen to me uncritically and treat me like I'm smart.....and I listened to him and got support from him. My friend was older than me so it wasn't to feel young as I felt like I wasn't sophisticated enough or put together enough around him. As for when I was younger I never had a problem finding a date and had a date whenever I wanted basically but at the same time was very naive and kept being taken advantage of in various ways as a teenager and twenty something. I will say that my husband says at times I'm unattractive, a social ret*d, and defective as I'm the one with AS so I put some emotional distance between myself and him to protect myself although I think he is probably right. My friend never put me down ever and was the first person in a long time to be so very kind to me. I have spent every night for the past ten years mostly alone with nobody to talk to and generally husband likes to spend all his time upstairs in his room working while I'm downstairs with the kids. He says he can't spend time with me b/c he has to support us.

Husband likes words of affirmation we did the love languages thing a few years ago and he is functionally asexual so no sex won't help(that's one of the areas we argue about)he dislikes being touched. My love language is physical touch and when people do things for me....such as chores/tasks.

No wonder you are attracted to others!
You are in a lonely sexless marriage with someone who is verbally abusive.
I'd say its time he started doing something to fix the marriage.

so despite the fact that I'm the one that has flirted/cheated, whatever you want to call it, the problem is more likely coming from husband?
I must admit I don't require the amount of attention that a NT woman would but I do require some attention and was simply looking for any type of positive attention which for a time I got. I also wanted to be treated nicely........which my friend did while he was interested.

Do you love him, or even like him? Does he love you, or even like you?

It's so hard to tell who did what wrong.. and what should be fixed about it. He seems to blame you alot? While he isn't even nice to you.

You BOTH need to fix the marriage, not just you. That would be wrong according to your posts.

You could tell him, that it sure would raise your both emotional intimacy, if he stopped insulting you? I wasnt sure, if you were the one I thought of, but yes, you are the one with the husband that tells you that he would have got cheaten at marriage because of receiving something like you... and so on.

And your husband is really whondering, why the hell there is no emotional intimacy between you? Thats pretty normal if one marriage partner thinks of the other one as he talks about you. Thats pretty normal, that there is no emotional intimacy between you.

I mean I could try going home to my husband and tell him, that he would be unable to do anything right, and I swear: The level of our emotional intimacy will instantly dicrease.

[quote="Keni"]Its not going to be fixable until you work out why you acted on an attraction to someone else.
Cheating/flirting - whatever- shows your husband that you are not satisfied with him alone.[quote] A blind mole could figure that out.


""you know you just can't do anything right I mean absolutely nothing right I really got cheated when I married you"
from my husband."

"we do share the same beliefs we are both Christian.......but I'm sick and perverted. and practice my faith differently than he does."

"My husband has told me he wouldn't have married me had he known I'm aspie(he thinks I'm a cross between defective and demon possessed), we are working on not getting a divorce, despite the fact that he basically thinks I cheated on him and has told the people at the church(minister and others) which has made things even stickier for me socially. "

Because her husband is a f*****g lamer, that simply needs someone to push down, so that he can stay on his lousy level and still feel like being better then others.


If you want to fix, it is not done by you trying to give your best, he has to do it as well. Cant be that hard to buy you some flowers and then you go having dinner, and try being both polite to each other. Emotional intimacy must be build by both sides together. If you try to build it only from one side, it will go down like a bridge, that has only one halt.

I do love him.........and he's told me he loves me.

He does blame me for a lot of things. The trouble is that I'd like to know what I can do to fix the marriage from my side of it. He has told me he will work on being much less critical of me.

Yes the marriage had been in a bad place for awhile before I ever got involved w/my friend. and that just made things much worse. I'm quite good at thinking in black and white.