I can't tell if this man is too good to be true!

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I'm a lady in my mid twenties and I've had exactly one other relationship (but a handful of brief encounters). It lasted a few years but I wanted more than he could give so I ended it. I thought I'd never find someone I liked again but sure enough, I met someone online who lived near me and he was really nice to me! He's in his early forties and very tall, just the way I like it. Fortunately, I enjoy intimacy and don't have the typical spectrum problems associated with being touched.

Early on in the relationship I had a couple of panic attacks because I feared that I could lose everything upon discovering that I totally misinterpreted the relationship and discovered there was nothing there (a recurring theme in my life). I told him early on about my Asperger's and he seemed to take it pretty well. He sent me to the dentist (I hadn't had a cleaning in years) and she was so nice to me! He sent me to sports therapy doctor to figure out why the joints in my fingers hurt. They referred me to a cardiologist for some following up.

Then, despite my protests, he convinced me to let him take me on a shopping spree at this place called Saks Fifth Avenue. I was very apprehensive at first but the sales lady was so nice to me and I did manage to find many things that I liked. But I was sad to find out a purse I got was made from young cows so I returned it. My boyfriend seemed understanding, but I just don't know. I told him I don't care about designer labels. I'm not sure if he was disappointed in me or not. We're basically living together, I don't think we have spent a single day apart since I first met him. He says he loves being around me.

In the last few days he's been showing me information about Asperger's that he found online. He says he is trying to understand me better so he can have more positive interactions? But I am afraid. There are sociopaths who can act so nicely except that they are plotting and waiting until they have you just where they want you and then they turn on you and abandon you.

On the other hand he says the most wonderful things to me which really boost my confidence. And he is extremely affectionate which I love. He doesn't really go out a lot or drink or busy himself which is great because I do prefer the quiet nights at home. I don't really have many friends so I feel sort of trapped but he offered to send me to school and suggested that I take up activities that I know I enjoy like learning pet grooming, or running my own business walking people's dogs in the neighborhood as a way to possibly make new friends? I love animals!

I've been having some mood swings though, and a "not quite right" feeling. Relationships always seem to screw up for me and I am just not convinced that he is being sincere, I am afraid that things may change.

What do I do???

I know nothing about sociopaths, but I would've thought if he was one then he would be trying to get rid of your interests rather than encourage them, let alone introduce more. This to me is a good sign that he's OK.

It sounds to me like he's trying to help you bring yourself out more, which is a great thing. I would love to meet somebody like this. And you're both living together? Well done!

Since he's in his early 40s, that gives you an advantage in the relationship.

However, about the feeling that something isn't right: a man could lie and lie to you and make up excuses, and you really want to believe that they're telling the truth, so you go along with it. Just bear in mind that if someone tells you that they're telling the truth, they likely aren't. What is it that's giving you this feeling, exactly?

When you get a hunch, you must listen to it. But, at the same time if you're moody or fearful, that can get in the way of being able to tell if it's fear or a hunch. There is a difference. My way of telling is to quieten yourself by sitting alone and listen to quietness around you. Let feelings come and go, and acknowledge thoughts as they come and go. Write down exactly everything that is bothering you. Writing things can help to unscramble emotions and sometimes solve other problems. I'd do this several times.

I can't tell if your post is for real. You seem to be playing the role of the ingenue to the hilt. I mean really, who hasn't heard of Saks? And your post is lacking important details. Such as, what does your family or friends think of this guy? Surely you're not completely on your own? How long have you known him? How did you meet and what does he do for a living? Have you met any of his friends and family? If you are sincere, then maybe you could provide a bit more information?

I too am having problems with someone who says they never heard of Saks Fifth Avenue...I've never even been to one but I've heard all about that store. Although, having said that, I guess there's always a first time one learns of anything at all.

To address the issues on face value anyway:

This guy seems to be being really kind, generous and nice to you, and while I hate to be cynical of someone who may just genuinely be simply a nice person who wants to do nice things for someone they like, I have to say that as I read on through your post, a lot of what he's doing for you almost sounded like he's trying to make you over, not just help you be your best.

I would feel uneasy if someone was doing so, so, SO very much for me....


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Thank you SO MUCH for answering me! This really helps me sort things out.

But how do I know he's not just playing a part and setting me up for a bigger fall later? It's happened to me in the past, although no one has ever treated me this nice before, especially after I've had a couple of anxiety attacks and one mood swing.



I like being loyal to one person and I sleep a lot easier with someone that I can care about but it takes time for me to fully trust someone and this happened pretty fast. Although I don't want it to change, really.



I don't really understand how the age plays into it, I think just the opposite he has so much more experience than me, he's had plenty of time to do this with other people and he's had more time to learn to hide his intentions.



I try really hard to understand myself and get control of my anxiety attacks and there is a big part of me that understands that these thoughts are irrational. The problem is that they come to me in my head and I can't really do much about it. Medical marijuana does help me a great deal but it slows me down as well. I tried prescription amphetamines, which worked great but I didn't like how it felt when it wore off at all and I get anxiety thinking about being dependent on a drug.



I don't care about labels or showing off I prefer to avoid attention but it seemed to make him happy and the sales people were so nice so it was overall a positive experience. I'm always a bit apprehensive about trying new things I just can't picture them. The clothes were nice after all and not how I expected it.

My parents are divorced and I don't really get along with my mom because all she does is say negative things about me and I feel that she never took the time to understand me or really show me much attention at all I was alone growing up. She's been saying bad things about me behind my back like this guy is too old and just mean and hurtful things without even knowing him.

I don't have many friends, I don't get along with girls much at all they have stabbed me in the back too many times. And all the guy friends that I make end up wanting to sleep with me and I have no way of knowing when a man approaches me if he is interested in something more than a friendship unless he says it directly. I told my boyfriend that I was going to meet a guy friend and he told me that the guy was probably looking to turn it into a date but he let me go anyway. I wish I didn't go because not only did he end up being married with kids but he said it was okay and not to worry because I could be his mistress!

I've known my guy for a month now and I met him on a dating website where successful older men meet younger beautiful women. He says he's a computer programmer and I believe him because I see him working on the computer and I hear him talking to his co-workers on the computer. I met his neighbor friend in the apartment complex where he lives and he seems kind of decent. There's also a boyfriend girlfriend couple who are more my age, the girl seems very nice and my boyfriend introduced us because he wants to teach me how to make friends.



Well I'm sorry that I don't have as much experience as everyone else my parents never bothered to teach me anything and I had to learn everything on my own and I usually screw everything up anyway so I guess that's how it goes.



Yes that is exactly how I feel, I don't understand why he is being so nice to me especially because I don't feel that I deserve any of this but he says that giving has nothing to do with whether someone deserves something or not and anyway he thinks I'm special but I don't see it and UGH.

For example he made me go on the Internet and find a therapist who specializes in Aspergers that I can talk to and I am very happy about that because I know its going to help me but why is this guy doing this for me I am just so confused. What makes things even more confusing is that he always finds a way to arouse me and we spend a lot of time in bed which I really really like and he loves to cuddle but I have never met anyone who likes to cuddle so much and is he just doing this to get me off guard or make me think that he's decent or does he really like it? How can I find out?

Maybe the reason you're feeling so insecure about this relationship is that you've only known him for ONE MONTH (which means you really don't know each other at all) and you've allowed yourself to become so completely dependent on him.

First of all, PM me his number, I am now officially gay.

SAKS ?!? That's a bit of a step up from Primark...bet you didn't have a happy meal afterwards n all.

Seriously, let's get a grip here, me and thee.

This sounds like a very familiar Mills and Boon plot, and a romance staple - man showers object of his affection with romantic things, she accepts them but feels uncomfortable (justified because he's just so handsome/lovely/charming to avoid the gold digger syndrome). Then they split up. The ending - he tracks her down (she misses him but valiantly avoids him) - and he convinces her (without being creepy) that he was the one for her, and he repents of what he has done wrong (being a man/not taking her side/trying to buy her/stifling her etc.)

There's a reason why this plot will stand the test of time...

He's in to you. Don't doubt that.

You are doubting his motives for this. Now, this could be because of your past relationship experience, or because you feel something deep inside. Can you look at this feeling properly? It's hard when he's around you so much. And the aspergers part of you makes you perhaps so blind to what could be happening.

It wouldn't be being abandoned that I would fear. It would be being trapped in a cage. He's investing in you. It's rare for someone not to expect a return on his investment.

This is what I suggest - you need to have 'a conversation'. You need to - calmly and succinctly - be able to tell him how you feel, in the right way - you are feeling that he is buying you (?), or it's too much too soon, or you are feeling uncomfortable. At the same time, yes, you have to show some appreciation of him being so helpful - because he could be sincere (or semi-sincere, with an added side of mixed motives, which is more likely in my opinion). Tell him you want some more space - see him twice a week.

Do it measured and see how he reacts. Honestly, I think that if this relationship is meant to be, then he will adjust.

OH YEAH - very important - the special treatment has to stop (at least temporarily). That way, he has to be himself, there are no compensations.

Of course, this all could be a mask for his horrible insecurity. Or not. Perhaps this is his dream romantic scenario. Don't know about you, but my dream romantic scenario, ehem *eyes sparkle* is being more than part in someone's own Cinderella story.

Yes, I said it. Cinderella.

Keep yourself safe. I wish you well.

Edit - hang on



Me smell small furry thing with whiskers that scuttles around floorboards. Rhymes with fruitbat. Now, you say you didn't want the designer labels and all of that - yet you sign up to this website. Did you not think about what you were 'signing up for'?

You put yourself out as a product; he's bought you. Simples. Don't play the naive card.

I can tell.

Take it slow and do not give up your current home or job. I was with a sociopath once and the first thing he did was pressure me to move in with him before I was ready, which meant leaving home and my job so that I was dependent on him. And don't let the guy have anything to do with your banking or any passwords, trust me on this.

This sounds very much like the Steve Martin film Shopgirl.

And I'm up for a debate on whether Ray really did have feelings for Mirabelle or was he just using her for sex?

I have to say that the hairs are standing up on the back of my neck! You've only known him for one month?!

Things are moving far too fast - he's moving far too fast!

Be very careful - trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or doubtful, then pay attention to those feelings. Do not discount them or let them be rationalised away.

It sounds more like Pretty Woman but without the obvious call girl credentials. Specially with all the "service people were so nice to me!" stuff.

You mean you are still going on dates from that dating website? Otherwise, you wouldn't call someone a friend if you didn't even know their situation such as that they are married and have kids.

So, what rock were you living under when he 'found you'?

Hey, I don't care about designer clothes but have thought of signing up for such a site. My reason? Simple, I want to be a stay at home mommy and home school a kid some day. If a guy makes enough money that I don't have to work than maybe my dearest dream could come true. Security, not labels.

That's great, have you given any thought about what this hypothetical kid might want for him or herself?

Me?

No. She's talking to Halfmadgenius.