are there any other aspie guys who feel hopeless?

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I am a 22 year old guy who has never had a girlfriend despite trying really hard. I have tried everything... online dating, talking to girls at work/ school. heck I have even enlisted some friends who are good with girls to help me and they can't even help me. As I said I'm only 22 years old and already feel extremely bitter/jaded and feel like giving up altogether. I dont know if my already destroyed ego can handle another rejection. Perhaps I'm objectively unattractive to women. Can any guys here relate to this?

Yep. I've already started the path down giving up-ness.

I think that far too many on this forum feel that way, unfortunately. I feel as though I have several significant challenges to overcome in the area (I'm in the same situation but 5 years older), but I do not feel hopeless by any means. After all, the only time that a situation truly becomes hopeless is when you yourself lose hope and give up.

You said that you feel unattractive to women, perhaps you could try working on self-improvement to make yourself more attractive? Get in good shape, start learning another language or instrument, take up interesting hobbies, become "well-read", that kind of stuff.

Hey just have a break for a while and get out there and do something else completely different, forget about dating for a while. When you are feeling better keep trying.

I found a girlfriend at the age of 20 or 21, but I was completely not ready emotionally, clueless and it was a disaster that ended within a year, when I got dumped. Emotional fallout of that stuff lasted for many more years. It made me feel like the worst person ever.

I didn't know about Aspergers, depression, nothing. I just was doing everything "wrong", behaved "weirdly" in a restaurant, looked at my watch while we visited her friends... who liked to party... I awkwardly contorted myself to loud music pretending to have fun at places where she actually did...

5 years later I saw her on the street and just froze. It was a moment I was dreading everyday. Being seen and judged by her again.

She didn't recognize me initially, but I just kept standing there, unable to say a word, looking at her reflection in the store window, and she turned and looked at me with increasing intensity, and then I just jerked forward and stumbled into the store, to get away.

Since then I had 2 more girlfriends. I didn't make the same mistakes. I didn't get AS CLOSE, I got along with people better, I gave more than I took... and in the end I was the one who ended those relationships, but that didn't make the emotional impact any easier.

Most of my life is just these long, long periods of being alone. I just cannot sustain the impact of separation that follows attachment. Unlike NTs, I cannot allow myself to go into multitude of relationships with this easygoing attitude, without thinking, and then just walk out of the car explosion with a slight limp.

It's not worth it. It's too damaging to do often, and I still hope that the next relationship I find will actually last.

If I find it. Ever.

I actually think that is good though. See you got experience and you learned stuff. tough but we all have to go through that sort of stuff.

I do not feel this way, at least not quite, I do wish you luck. Usually relationships don't come easy, and finding the right person takes time. It would be best of you not to reject any not so perfect matches yourself, a lot of times, some of the sweetest ladies are not always recognized as so. And no match is perfect, don't try for that, try for something that will work, and will last, if your a long term guy at least.

I learned as many lessons from the first one as I could, then learned fewer lessons from the second one... learned even less from the third one. And really don't care to keep learning this way. I know people who got married at young age and managed to keep learning during their relationship without it falling apart. There are also people who go through relationships like popcorn and learn nothing from the first 10.

Yet there are staggering parallels I observed between myself and other Aspies who I met through support groups in the past few years. Comforting, validating parallels. And I saw one Aspie-Aspie relationship start in front of my eyes in such a group, and it just seemed right.

So there's that theory.

I keep hitting this point for a short period in the year then instantly bounce back. Had it a couple of weeks ago and now I feel great. Maybe the weather?

Well at least you have friends who are close enough to help you. So you aren't socially toxic. I'm sure you'll be fine if you give it more time.

Apart from working on you social skills, you also need to compensate for it. You'll NEVER be on par with NTs socially, so you need to be better at them at other important aspects of life. Build a better body than them, brush your teeth after every meal, dress nicely (too large clothes will actually make you look fatter than you are), get a better education than them and get really good at your hobbies.

Don't let datelessness ruin your life (i.e. don't let it take up all your thoughts), but don't throw in the towel either. Being yourself and expecting it to happen when you least expect it is BS, so you need to active,y pursue girls. If you're a great catch apart from your social deficits, sooner or later a girl will find you attractive.

Today and in the past couple days things have seemed hopeless for me too. But I get through it by thinking that things couldn't be any worse, and therefore can possibly get better.

I am in place right now where I have pretty much given up for the time being, I have had to do this for my own sanity. At this point, I am not looking for a relationship or anything. I guess I finally got burned out on a fruitless obsession that has yielded nothing. Even online dating failed for me. So, I am adopting a "I don't care" mentality right now. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I had to. It breaks my heart, I don't really want to have to make this kind of decision, but what other option do I have?

Last edited by mattarga on 10 Jun 2013, 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah I gave up a few years ago.

I think sometimes people just need a break. Some people give up, I haven't yet, but I also recognize that things take time. Sometimes it's more time than we are capable of comprehending at the moment. Honestly, I think there's someone who will appreciate you and what you bring to the table.

Wait until you get to 54, then you will really know what hopeless means.
At the moment you are still young, you could easily bump into somebody who likes you, then you can get married, have kids, take them to the zoo, you still have the possibility in front of you.

Its when you have to face the fact the possibility is behind you that you can know the gnawing empty misery of true hopelessness.