So I'm dating someone now...HELP! Why is this happening?!

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I'm very inexperienced when it comes to dating. About three years ago, I got away from an abusive relationship that had lasted about three years, and it took me a long time to get over that (it was a year before I even acknowledged that it was even abusive!). But after a while, I started doing a lot better--they took me off of the horrible pills (Risperidal--I know all drugs react differently for different people, but this one tends to have pretty awful side effects) and I lost around 40lb (and I'm still losing). I started making FRIENDS for the first time in a long time, and I got back in contact with my old friends. For a brief period I missed the companionship of dating, but by last summer I was pretty much COMPLETELY okay with not dating again for a long, long time.

BUT THEN things started happening. First, people were becoming sexually attracted to me--and I'm NOT attractive! Nobody besides my ex had ever been attracted to me sexually before, and shortly after those experiences I discovered that I HATE it when people are attracted to me. It terrifies me for some unknown reason. I had a few minor experiences with sexual harassment (two people sent me unwanted penis pictures) which didn't help, especially since I didn't want to turn anyone in because I've accidentally sexually harassed people a couple of times and was afraid that those people had been doing it by accident as well. In both cases, a really special friend of mine helped me sort that out.

THEN people started getting crushes on me. IT WAS TERRIFYING! With the first two people, I didn't actually know them that well, and I eventually was too scared and cut off all contact with them. The next person confessed his crush to me RIGHT after I'd gotten finished telling him how I got terrified when people had crushes on me. But I actually was already friends with him--he was even a potential special friend (special friends are the friends I LOVE for real; I have ten right now) so I told him I'd be strong and not disappear from him. Through those issues, several of my special friends helped--they even helped me when I had a crush on someone else. They thought I'd be sad when he didn't feel the same way, but I was actually VERY relieved, because at least in my mind, if he returned the feelings we'd have to start DATING, and that's what I'm terrified of.

And now I'm apparently dating someone. Another person--a fairly new special friend of mine--talked to me and said that he'd had a dream that we had been dating, and that "strangely" since that dream seven other people had told him to date me. I don't know what's scarier: that two of those people KNOW me and KNOW that I am an Autistic person with the social and emotional age of a 12-13-year-old, or that I've never even MET the rest (which kind of implies that he told them about me, which means that I'm on "getting-told-about" level with him, which means SCARY!). But I, being the Foolish Mortal that I am, had to go and ask him what HE thought about it. And he said he thought it was a good idea.

And at this point, I could say yes or no. Terror happened, but so did some semi-rational/sleep-deprived semblances of thought. I realized that he IS a special friend, and I DO already care deeply for him, and that *in theory* I could get out of the relationship any time if I chose to enter it. I still have no IDEA why those reasons outweighed the terror, and my worries that I'm not mature enough for dating, or that I'll mess up the really good friendship, or that I have an obligation to the last guy who has a crush on me (I think I may have implied being-going-to-date-ness with him, and I haven't actually told him about this relationship yet), but it did.

When I said yes, I made damn sure that this special friend knew that I loved all my other special friends, and that nothing would change that, and that he'd better f*****g be okay with that, and he said he was. That's great. He also doesn't care that I'm 'genderf***ed' which is good, and he's okay with me being terrified--which is good. Everyone I associate with regularly is also fully aware of my Autism.

And now I'm terrified and I have no idea why ANYONE would have such interests in me, or what I'm supposed to do. Some of my special friends have helped; one (the one who has helped me before with a lot of things) has totally ignored me in this and everything else, which is understandable since he's busy and I've probably been too clingy with him lately. But my first instinct when I'm faced with this 'dating' stuff is to run and hide and cling to the legs of my special friends, particularly him and two others. But since it's summer and I don't have immediate physical access to them (and it's pretty annoying to have an Autistic person clinging to your leg and shaking and trying to smell you when you're not looking) and it probably wouldn't solve the main issue anyway, I can't just do that.

I have no idea what to do. I've considered breaking up but I feel like that's probably the fear talking. Everyone understands that I have trust issues from my previous relationship, but I still don't know how to BREAK this fear--if that's what I should do. I don't even know if I AM mature enough for this relationship. My mom doesn't think I'm ready for one, but I know that could also be a 'mom reaction' to the last time I dated someone. But another special friend of mine told me I'd 'know' when I was ready. She's Autistic, too, so she faces SOME of the same difficulties as me (although she's much higher functioning). I know I'm going to have to learn how to 'do' relationships SOME time if I'm going to ever have any later in life. I'm just so TERRIFIED...and completely confused! I mean, seriously, I'm ugly, socially inept, immature, and WAY too perverted for most people to handle. WHY does this happen to ME?!

Please help.

If you have been in an abusive relationship educate yourself about psychological violence! I come from a long term abusive relationship (I think he is a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies).

You have to educate yourself (especially since you have asperger) so you do not end in something similar. It is so very easy to repeat that pattern.

If you read up on this issue you will find some experts who claim that people in these kind of relationships are doing it on purpose - sort of blame it on the victim. That is nonsense!! I have a few resources explaining why people end up in those kind of relationships. I will have a look in my papers. It is important not to blame oneself.

One of the most important things is to have personal boundaries. I have considered why I ended up with my ex. One of the reasons is me having asperger. I simply do not recognise when people are attracted to me, I only recognise when people tell me and come on very strong. That would be the typical behaviour of sociopaths/narcissists/psychopaths. Thinking back I missed lots of cues from nice guys.

I´ll be back.

Its happening because your awesome and the person is looking beyond your aspergers And likes your personality because you are a good human being!

If you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. On the other hand, you may be instinctively drawn toward a learning experience, at which point both thrill and pain are unavoidable.

From the page of "abuse no more"
https://www.facebook.com/DomesticViolen ... 1873584670

This is one of the best explanations I have been able to find. Most of what I can find are blogs etc. there is not much useful info on the professional pages. I do not know if you have Facebook, I post her facebook post here.
"Research shows that if a woman has been mistreated in the past, even in childhood, there's a good chance that she'll be mistreated in her next relationship as well. It's called, "multiple-victimization," and it is often misunderstood.

"Why do I only attract resentful, angry, and abusive partners?" They wonder if they put out signals that say, "Please abuse me!" This particular misconception has even infected a few professionals who have ridiculously theorized that some women "want to be abused."
If you've experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart."

I think that having asperger adds to this. The non ability to see those subtle clues.

A couple of other articles:

How to Avoid an Abuser: Understanding Grooming
http://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/20 ... -grooming/

About Covert Emotional Manipulation
http://psychopathsandlove.com/covert-em ... ipulation/

I'm confused... Are you a girl, cuz your profile says "male" especially after i read the part what you said 2 guys sending penis pics to you

- That is to the OP

Perhaps gay people?

Thank you VERY much, helles! It's very difficult sometimes to find out how to avoid these things, especially when a lot of the people who've shown interest in me in the past have been somewhat messed up. (One person assured me that not EVERYONE who was interested in me would be dangerously crazy!) I do really want to learn how to have Normal, Healthy relationships--and it makes a lot of sense that I wouldn't be able to notice gentler people's advances! Personally, I still find it disconcerting that ANYONE would be attracted to me (my first thought is almost always "Okay, what's wrong with THIS person?") but I guess I'll have to get over that. Those links will be very helpful to me, and maybe I can feel more secure knowing how to tell things and not constantly run to my friends asking if what's happening is normal or healthy.

The 'social cues' of being-attracted-to-me-ness are very difficult to pick up on, though, especially when I don't even know to look for them. For the longest time, it didn't occur to me that anyone could be attracted to me. I'm used to being the one who has a crush on the OTHER people, and that's confusing enough!

Haha, thanks--it's still intimidating, and I still don't understand it, but people do insist that to me. I'm not sure if I want it, though. I guess not being able to see why someone would be attracted to me (especially PHYSICALLY attracted to me) makes me think that anyone who claims to feel that way must have some scary ulterior motive--it's kind of what happened with the crazy ex, anyway.


I'm bisexual, but since females don't generally like to interact with me as much (at least from my experience, Neurotypical females have been less understanding of social mistakes than the NT males) I end up with males a lot more. Physically, I'm female, but I don't look feminine and sometimes people "think" I am male (which actually makes me really happy). My gender is undetermined so far (I'm still working that out with my psychologist, but I like the term 'genderf***ed'

You're getting tricked into a relationship by someone who isn't "a special friend" just a manipulative person out to get what they want which is you.. dreams mean nothing..

What makes you say that? And what's that about the dreams?

Don't you find it funny someone brings up randomly in conversation that "they had a dream you were together"? and then suddenly people who you havent met are telling him you are a good couple?
how would they know without meeting you?
Its just the way you've wrote that you don't really want to be dating and you seem as if you are "apparently dating" - it reads like you've been rushed into something you werent ready for..

As for the other half about people having crushes on you, im sure you are a lovely looking and charming person so i guess that would be perfectly normal.

Yeah, I worry that I'm not ready for it. But I can ask the people I HAVE met for confirmation, just to be sure about his honesty. I don't know how those people would know without meeting me, but I also know that sometimes people who haven't met some of MY friends will tell me to date them (although in this case it might be because I talk about how much I love them too much).

But as for the me being attractive--I'm actually not. I can see myself in the mirror naked and I found it unattractive, but JUST to be sure I covered up my face so I'd just be seeing a body--WITH BOOBIES (which I usually like)--instead of 'me' and it still was unattractive. Plus, I make sure to wear clothes too big for me because they are unflattering and even if my body were attractive people wouldn't be able to see.

I am happy that you can use some of the links diniesaur.

I have learned a lot since january where my therapist, as the first person, mentioned that my ex. could have psychopathic traits. I just wish that somebody had told me about the term "red flags" many years ago. Had no idea that people could act that way and still present a perfect face to the world.

One thing that people continually write is that you have to look at peoples actions. Words are not enough if not followed up with action.

I can only advice you to read up on things, there are lots of blogs about these problems.

All the advice I have seen are for NT people. Many mention "listening to your gut feeling" about other people etc. I do not have gut feelings about people, I normally trust them. I do not know how to solve this problem yet, for the time being I am hanging out with friends and not looking for somebody new in my life.

As to the "nice men", I think I met one the other day. Omitting all the details: he was polite, and probably wanted to talk but never made it past an introductory remark. I was talking with my friend and payed no attention to him - I think he looked at me (you know the "I would like to participate in the conversation thing) but I just ignored him, as he did not talk to me. It was several days later that I had the thought that he probably just respected my boundaries and respected the fact that I obviously did not want to talk to him (well, I would not have minded talking to him, but had not really the social skills to initiate a conversation or recognize the fact that he wanted to talk).

I really have to work on that boundary thing