So do Most Women on the ASD Spectrum Conform?

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Do most of you fake who you are to land a relationship/spouse?
It really seems so.. only because a LOT of NT women do it... and most NT people consider us difficult, annoying, etc.
I despise being seen as a sex thing and a LOT of men only have interest in women for sex... a lot only commit, to secure sex not to actually have a progressive healthy relationship.

I've seen posts of people directly and indirectly asking how to be likable. As a woman I am curious how many of us ladies with some form of autism put on a show... my own father told me to not show who I am 'til after I get married. REALLY bad advice. It works though... So maybe I will settle fore being repeatedly "married" and divorced. Anyway....

Last edited by Mishra2012 on 25 Jun 2013, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I haven't been able to.

I live in rural Alabama and am married.

Yes I do conform when out in public. The whole hair, make up, clothes, and etc w/kids, housework, and etc. My husband has told me he wouldn't have married me had he known I'm aspie(he thinks I'm a cross between defective and demon possessed), we are working on not getting a divorce, despite the fact that he basically thinks I cheated on him and has told the people at the church(minister and others) which has made things even stickier for me socially. I have not been able to get a job(my special interest was Russia/Russian and I have a degree in that and later got a BS in speech therapy.....I so think it's going to be interesting what happens w/Russia and the NSA leaker there is no way in hell Russia/Putin will cooperate) and so am a housewife that takes care of the house/kids. I conform to the church, small town community, and try my best to meet expectations and am a Christian that until recently attended a conservative southern baptist church. Husband has asked if I'm really a Christian or do I just fake that to fit in.......I am. I try to fit in but honestly I just don't.....and as a teenager I was very different and totally opposed to the life I currently live...to be honest I sometimes I feel like I live in Stepford and that I'm slowly but surely suffocating. I think differently from most of the people around me though and I can't change that with the trappings of fitting in.

Things that have been an issue sex(my husband thinks I'm a pervert and sex addict), my warped sense of humor, my parenting views, my housekeeping, cooking, and the way I look, my sensory issues, the music I love, and many many other things. I didn't consciously fake it to fit in but I went through a phase in my 20s when I was very religious and conservative and everything husband thought he was looking for. I'm not sure my marriage will survive and we have kids that I'm trying to make it work for.....despite the fact that I suspect I'd be a whole lot happier with another aspie, the kids maybe just being with their father, and not living in what amounts to Stepford.

Sorry not much help

Last edited by kate123A on 25 Jun 2013, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nope, I figure if someone actually wanted a relationship with me they might as well know I'm an oddball and that isn't changing.

That sounds exhausting. I have a very healthy self esteem, and I'm not too concerned about masking the AS in order to get in a relationship. There are accepting people out there, both NTs and on the spectrum, who don't require you to mask your true self. It's just a matter of finding them... =/

My early 20s I was fine, too. Approaching 30...

I am not women, but I have try to fake my personality around women and I actual do worst.
when I pretend to be nt, I do worst than if I act like my real self.

As a person who works in finance, I am not with a finance guy but with an arts guy (I work fulltime and he's part time), and I hang out with people who work in civil service, retail, facilities, and stuff like that. My BF is also neurodiverse but more in a bipolar type way.

If I was with a finance guy it would probably be difficult because I am not the type of girl who shaves my legs or anything like that (Sensory issues and the like preclude that) and I feel awkward/unwelcome in upper middle class neighborhoods. I prefer dating guys who are neurodiverse because I cannot possibly pass as NT, in any way, shape or form.

No, I am who I am. Either you (the general world) have to deal with me, or you leave me alone. Granted that leaves few(er) potential partners sticking around, but I don't mind. I'd rather be with someone who can love and respect me, flaws and all, than be with someone likes the person I try to be rather than the person I am. That does not mean I don't try to remember things like social nicities, but as far as I'm concerned, that's just manners.

Depends on what you mean by conform. I have learned how to act around NTs to at least get them to take me seriously, but beyond that I'm my own rebellious person. I rarely ever wear makeup/dress "girly" - but if I want to, I will. My perspective is, I don't care. If a person won't accept me for who I am, AS characteristics and all, then they're not worth my time.

No, because

A. f**k that s**t.

B. I'd only end up with someone who loved the image rather than me, and noone can keep up a false image forever.

Hell no - not in a million years because once they find out - you would be finished anyway.

I'm me - deal with it.
If they don't like me, then they can f*ck right off and find someone else.

This message may be a bit stronger than usual because the last idiot tried to change who I was - including trying to stop me from doing my special interests.

Last edited by Kjas on 26 Jun 2013, 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've never been able to fake anything about myself. I sometimes wish I could be something other than what I am (which has landed me in my current predicament).

I find that people who fake things are not very comfortable in their own skin.

I tried to please my partners, but I never fully managed it, and it always ended with my boyfirends being angry at me, when I failed to act perfectly NT. In the end I gave up, because it costed me so much energy to play NT all day that in the end I ran around powerless like a zombie, which leaded to me making more failures and being always tired and sad. I gave up on relationships then, simply because it demanded to much of me, and there is no sense in having relationships when you are only depressed and tired and sad all the time.

Some years after that, I met my actual partner, and I was really surprised when he wanted to have a relationship with me. He knew me already for a year, and I didnt hide my issues among my friends, so he knew about them. Normally boys that thought of relationships of me didnt knew me before, so they were only interested into the external and when they knew me inside and that I am not normal, they lost interest in me (sometimes in the very second) and were ashamed of me in front of their friends and families. Boys that already knew me (classmates, friends, ...), never were interested in me. So when my actual partner showed interest I didnt know how to react, because I really liked him but I was sure, that it simply would end as it always ended, with me not being able to fulfill the expectations of a NT-partnership and in the end I expected even to loose the normal friendship with him we had. So we had some troubles, but in the end it worked fine. I see him as a rare precious diamond, because of him being able to truly love me the way that I am.

Alright.

I'm 30 and have been married and divorced once before. I'm now married again, and quite happily so, overall, this time. I was unaware of my AS when I was married the first time but I've never pretended to be someone other than who I was in my relationships.

On that note, I also thought I was crazy or something since I didn't know what Autism or Aspergers was and there's all sorts of strange perception s**t that goes along with this lovely little brain of mine. The vertigo and animal-like heightened senses aside, just the social impact of needing to understand everything logically is enough to drive off most partners and employers.

My first husband was the one who pretended to be someone he wasn't. Not me. He thought he could change me, and I knew that relationship wouldn't last. I told him so before we got married. Sure it was hard to go through the total upheaval of a divorce but I'm glad I did.

I eventually got married again (never thought I would) to an old friend who really does love and accept me for who I am. He may not fully understand in his mind, but he understands in his heart. If that makes any kind of sense, but I think I know what that means!

The "good ones" are out there, and they're worth the trouble of being yourself for. Maintaining employment..... well, that's another issue. :/ I still can't keep a job! lol

On the contrary, I think your post is very helpful. It demonstrates very well the problem with living a lie. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through, but I do hope it discourages others from "getting married at any cost", as they're pressured to in some cultures. I think the attitude expressed by EmberEyes and (somewhat more forcefully ) by Kjas is much healthier.