What can you do if people (women/girls) ignore you...

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Hey, I'm new here.

I just sort of stumbled upon this site, so I thought that as I don't really have anyone to talk to in the real world I would try the Intrawebz. I've never actually posted on a forum before (as far as I can remember) and I hope this doesn't turn into a TL;DR situation.

Also, yes this may be in the wrong section, but it's kinda friendship/love

I think a little of my background would help. I have several disorders chiefly depression and AS-like symptoms and ADHD. For a long time I was not properly diagnosed and I also was not medicated for my other problems, and what I was medicated with, exacerbated them. This went on for many years, until about 18 months ago when I finally got the meds right. Throughout this time I have moved several times to different countries, so forming lots of friendships has been made more difficult when moving all the time

Over the years, I've been able to adapt more to social situations (to the point where I'm told that people don't initially tell I'm AS-ish). I've been to a couple of co-ed schools in my time, but it was only really at the wrong times in my life! (As in 6-7yrs old and then 13-14yrs old, so not when I was able to think straight).

Ok, so FFwd to recent history including now: what has been my main issue is that (being at Uni and stuff) I meet people, talk to them, find them interesting and so on. But when it comes to non-face to face contact, it's like I don't exist. Now I can understand that I'm basically an acquaintance, but talking on FB doesn't exactly take that much effort. So what happens is that I have to start a conversation which usually last about three to four sentences on average (95.5% bell curve for you maths people ). This really irritates me, as I try to make the effort, and no one else seems to bother with trying to be friends. For example this has happened to me a couple of times, with people whom I have spent whole semesters with, laughing and being lab partners: I say in FB chat "Hi" to them when they're online , it tells me they saw it, don't reply. I think "Ok, maybe they're busy" so a month goes by and I can see that they're online in the mean time, but I don't start another conversation just out of courtesy so that I don't spam them. "Oh sorry I was busy" pops up from the messenger. Now I try not to blame people for things and I genuinely try to see the good in people, but for one thing, 30 posts by you on your wall since I talked to you last? My 'Spidey Sense' tells me that that might not be entirely true...

So the long and the short of it is: People I meet (men included) don't seem to want to have anything to do with me unless they have to. Now I may be an old fashioned early 20's man, but I think it's just rude to completely ignore someone who's trying to get to know you, someone who you've had extensive contact with (and in some cases actually hung out with).

So I try my best with people, but at some point you've got to cut your losses. This becomes tiresome and starts to wear you down inside.

I should state that currently I do not have much contact with women of my age, or for that matter women in general (I've tried Internet dating to no avail, which is another rant for another day ) and I actually approach girls in the same classes as myself (always a good conversation starter) which is almost petrifying for me, way out of my comfort zone, so it's not as if I haven't tried at all, but I think I could do more.

My point is, I see no real reason as to why this should happen. I understand that I may not be as aesthetically pleasing as most women would like in a man, but most of the time all I'm going for first is a friendship! BLARG!! !!

Now, the people I'm talking about have made friends with others in the same class as myself at the same time, and then you hear about how they hung out on the w/e and stuff, so it's not like it's their default action to ignore people.

Um, yeah, so if you managed to get this far, you are awesome, my questions are these: Does this happen often? Does anyone know how to fix/avoid this? Why can't there be another Firefly movie?


If you want to chat with me, msg me first.

It'd be good to meet people on here.

p.s. if this makes no sense, I will attempt to clarify it in detail :S

I ignore them back. The irony of it is that they tend to start paying attention when you ignore them if they like you. NTs are so weird.

Right im in a similar situation man.. i feel undervalued.
what you have to remember is NT's are STUPID, and i don't mean this nastilly they have absolutely zero logic..
you are making yourself too available (I KNOW HOW DAFT THAT SOUNDS) nt's prefer it if you ignore them then they find you interesting... thats completely bonkers but its how it works..

Agreed. You are making yourself too available. Another thing - on average (and be honest) are you a) talking to girls more often than guys on FB and b) usually the one starting the conversation?

If the answer is yes to even one of those, you have to take a couple of steps back. Don't be the one messaging everyone on facebook. People talk, and they'll come to recognize you as someone who hassles women on facebook and has no life. This isn't my opinion of you, this is just how I imagine their opinions of you to be if you do this.

Make your profile more interesting, save any posting on facebook for something important, and if you really must talk to people on facebook make yourself at least for now look a little bit more important e.g. only contact people for information about appointments or hangout nights you are attending, or to pass on study information you were supposed to pass on.

There are plenty of places you can talk to women on the Internet in the mean time. The important thing is not to see your female contacts on facebook as an opportunity to speak to the opposite sex. They're simply acquaintances, and acquaintances only tend to contact each other when there's a perfectly good reason.

I think this is what we call "self-invitation" to groups you barely know, people think you're abusing them just for your own social needs, they think they are a product to you with value, not a person with feelings, even when you don't mean it that way.

Sadly enough, you can't force people to like you if you like them. People can dislike you for whatever reason they want whether or not you can help it, it's their life, they choose what they do or like.

Trying to change a person without their permission is like trying to steal their car, it means WAR to them.

Also, don't try to come over as negative or know-it-all to people, it's one of the mistakes aspies (especially me) often make that can really drive people away from you.

Having a spontaneous sense of humour that touches them in a good way and keeps them giggling is what can actually drive people to you without you realising it I noticed.

Also, have you considered bodybuilding? It's actually pretty easy for an aspie to build noticable muscles by using weights at home regularly for example. It boosts confidence and sex-appeal as a guy too.

If you are finding these problems stretch out into the real world, too, then Uprising's advice is on the mark. Sometimes people get on better with other people than you do, that's just life and no one is obligated to like you back in the way you would like them, or honor some sort of friendship like an evenly distributed commodity among people you know.

Find things to do without these people, be sure to talk about it and make yourself interesting so to speak.

I think the main thing is to say more than just "hi", say something like "hey, what we did in lab today was so... don't you think?" this way they are invited to reply. Just saying hi might mean that they see the message but then they get distracted and forgot, because well, you just said hi XD.

I have observed many guys regardless of whether they are diagnosed with something or not are terrible at starting some conversations through Facebook and text messages. I have actually heard some women tell me that what took them back at first, but learned to appreciate was the fact that I always seem to invite a response and don't sound as "stupid" as what they are used to hearing from other guys. I sometimes only get "hi" from some women on dating sites thinking that they will get a reply.

Either you have to sound intelligent (both socially and emotionally) or be funny in order to get responses. Being funny usually works much better, but plenty of people like social and emotional intelligence as well.

Ignore them back.

Wow guys! I didn't expect such a rapid and thoughtful response!

Yes, I think what kingfisher said was right, I should make it more of a leading sort of intro. So what I should say is that I tend to make some girls laugh, but it still doesn't seem to make a difference :/

But I also try to make guy friends, and MOST of the time they'll talk to me for a bit, but then they usually stop if I'm not in their classes anymore. I should preface that with that I have had some female friends who still talk to me, rarely, just so you don't think I'm biased!

The being too open thing Januaryman said, yeah I think I do do that (I've read like half of The Game that a friend sent to me, so it says 'don't act like a puppy and hang around girls wanting attention') but I try not to do it too often. I used to be like that it the bad old days...(shudder)

The thing is, I'm not even privy to any of the goings on outside of uni most of the time. D:
I have had a friend reply rather awkwardly after I asked to join them on the next outing (taking up her offer). Lol

Ok, so my thing that I wanted to add to my OP was that I really want to make some friends first, and see where that goes.
And I want like a real relationship if I get one, not just sex, which is what I think a lot Of NT girls think that most guys are after, hell I'd just be happy to hang out with a gf for a few months before even considering it! (Also as I would need to get comfortable first before any of that)

Also, what I personally found funny was that when I bared my 'soul' to a crush who I'd known for a while 3 years, she said that it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her yada yada yada and the she never knew that I could have that side to me. In the same breath (figure of speech) she told me that she would talk to me later, which I now know was code for "I'm never speaking to you again" lol

Not sure how to end this post... Um yeah, oh and I don't hold it against her, she is kind of a fair weather person. Meh

There is nothing you can do... All you can do is what you have already been doing.. Which is put yourself out there and hope for the best. You are bound to meet someone who will be nice to you and be a good friend at some point.

Hey if people ignore you maybe they are no longer interested. Move on to someone else. And if that does not work move on to someone else. Seriously. This is the same for trying to date. Try not to stay stuck on the same people or impose. NTs find this behavior extremely annoying. I never understood it but it seems to be how they are.

Honestly I think there is no loyalty anymore. And it seems they treat other NTs with respect and aspies with disrespect and it is totally unfair. But they cannot help it for some reason. That is why find people that are more compassionate or are different themselves. I like weirdos so I tend to gravitate towards them and usually get a much better response and more respect.

My advice would be either ignore them, or be someone they want be around. I sadly don't have the problem of women (or men) ignoring me for or worse.

Once you start getting out of your comfort zone a lot you get used to it.

I know a guy who has sex with a lot of women, and while I know a lot of us don't like that type of behavior he seems to be successful because he has very cold behavior.

He essentially goes to a bar, sits in a corner and doesn't speak to anyone, when he notices a woman look at him he just stares her down (he describes it as the guy in my avatar looks).
He then normally goes over to talk to them if they keep looking back without looking worried or if they come over to him.