Engaged to be married and having problems

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Hi everyone,

As this is my first post I figured I should at least say hi and thank you in advance for helping me.

The problem is this,

I have been together with my fiancee for about four years now, since I was 21.
We recently got engaged and are going to get married this fall.

This is not the problem of course, it just gives you an idea of what's going on.

My fiancee has a rather upsetting habit. She is neurotypical and she does her best to understand and "tolerate" my aspergers, but there are some things that we can't figure out. Or I can't at least.

She is the type of person who can't sit still, she has to do something _all_ the time. She goes out six nights out of seven, and whenever she says she will be home by a certain hour, there is always something that happens and she is out late.

I tried explaining to her that my brain is not wired/equipped to handle things like that, but all she says to that is that life is "full of changes" and that I have to learn to live with them.

This is very upsetting because it makes me think she does not understand what makes an autistic person autistic. Even though we've talked about it for hours and hours over the years.

We always fight over these things, and I don't see a way to fix things. I do my best to not go full-autist on her, but sometimes I can't help it.

And it just makes me think she is not ready to settle down, which is something I really want/need. I can't accept the possibility of her going out all the time if we are going to have kids one day.

Thank you in advance for your help,
Ben M.

Going out six nights a week seems excessive. How do you spend time together? Autism aside, being home at the time given is a basic courtesy to your partner. If she's staying out later than the time agreed upon frequently, I'd question her priorities.

I feel exactly like this today and I'm going to see if I can help. (I'm also new here and engaged in real life amongst other things)
Sometimes it's very frustrating when other people don't seem to get it. I don't know how you'd feel about this but you could actually show your partner this topic? (Personally I would not)
Humour seems to work well sometimes ... do you and your partner have a similar sense of humour? If there's something that makes both of you laugh at the same time, can you pinpoint what it is, and try and go with it? (I find this relaxing but it's hard to get to that stage when things are already tense)
At this point I'm over-thinking it which is always a problem.
How does your partner behave around other people?

MjrMajorMajor:

I do feel like it's too much as well. I could see two or three times, but six is just.. Alot.
We do have trouble finding time for eachother.

5864532:

Finding things we both like, funny things, is pretty hard.
Some of the shows I find extremely funny are just annoying to watch for her, which is a shame.
You are right though, it's definitely something worth working on, finding something we both think is funny and work with that.

She is very outgoing and social. Which is one of her many "reasons" for going out. Needing girlfriend time etc. I'm completely fine with that, but six nights out of seven is just alot.

I'm not like that at all, I can be social because over the years I've had to teach myself how to be, but it doesn't give me energy.

I am sorry to hear you feel the same way today.

Six nights a week is pretty excessive, that's not "me" time, that's just avoiding you, in my book.

I think you should seriously re-consider marrying this gal till you work this issue out. Whether you or she are aspie or NT, to constantly tell your partner you're gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then not show up is a serious problem. It's disrespectful to you as a person on several levels. you've told her what is important to you and she disregards it. And it's a fairly simple thing to do (unless she's addicted to substances and is incapable of showing up on time- and that's an even more serious problem). If she can;t respect your pretty simple needs now, how is it going to get any better later? Also, you may worry about her when she doesn't arrive on time. etc, etc.

As to being out 6/7 nights- that seems excessive to me. You could look at it two ways positive or negative: She has worked out the relationship ideally for her, she gets the best of a single life, but she can always depend on coming home to you. You could say you guys are opposites and that is what brings excitement/joy/satisfaction to the rlshp OR you could say that she is in avoidance mode/ using you to have everything she wants but neglecting you and your needs and desires.... it kinda depends on you and how you see it, but from what you said, there's def some of your needs being neglected there. See if she is willing to compromise, say going out 3-4 nights a week. If she isn't willing, then again, this is a warning sign that maybe you should wait to get married bcs if she can't compromise on smth so basic, then it's not going to magically get better later.

I think that you have look at the underlying principles in a rlshp- are they willing to compromise, are they respectful? Are they willing to try to get your needs as well as theirs met? If the answer is no now, it will be no later as well.

Everything sweetcakes said, goes for my thoughts too.

Based on just the description given of this relationship, I'm seriously wondering about the compatibility of someone who wants to go out excessively and someone who would prefer not to. And the chronically running later than stated -- that's very, very disrespectful and inconsiderate, even to an NT let alone to someone on the spectrum.

While I know nothing else about your fiancee or your relationship, I have serious worries about you marrying this person, sorry to be blunt but based on this, I really do.

Her going out even two or three times at night by herself is suspect. Where's she going? Who is she hanging out with? Can she be reached when she's out?

I agree this is something that needs addressing.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to go out that much (as long as it doesn't impact your work, but it sounds like it's not for you.

Just something to work out.

Autistic or not is not important. An relationship is not based on one respecting every need of the other, and the other one not respecting the needs of the first person because of her being normal. Normal people have needs as well that needs respected. And all that fairytale stuff of telling yourself how evil Person A and what that person means for evil things with showing this and that behaviour. too make the other person more evil and you more good gnagnagnagnagna... is a teenager behaviour. If you are still in that, you should be in highschool, not in an relationship before wedding.

What a person means by doing a certain behavior is upon the person. Simply interpreting her behavior upon your own experiences, is the same s**t, we all have to endure everyday by dumb NTs. "Oh... Mr. XYZ never wants to join us when we have neighborhood chitchatting. So I could ask him why he is doing that, but its so much cooler to tell ourselves that he behaves like that, because he hates us and does not respect our neighborhood and gnagnagna... Look, how much better we look instantly, after making him a bad guy...." Sorry, but thats simply a lame trick to force emotional pressure on someone to force him to do what you want, by trying to make him feel bad for nothing.

What you call pretty simple needs, is the complete ruin of free time for others. In my work I need to work with precise time. Not being forced to be precise, not being slave to a plan, is a major part of free time. If there is a precise time that you are forced to obey, then you hardly can call that free time. Free time means, that you are not forced to follow plans, but that you can freely decide what to do in your free time. If you want myself to be on time in my free time and turn it by that into working time, then pay me.

I dont see her not respecting his deeds. For an NT its normal to go out. Normally WITH the partner if you have one. Thats what they normally do in an relationship, when you come home for work you do your housework and then they call each other and gather somewhere. Normal NT partners insist on their partner going with them, and give you pressure to do so: "Oh...come on, we already have stayed here yesterday. Dont you like my friends? Do you hate my parents? Do you hate spending time with me..." and all that psychostuff. Instead she simply accepts his needs for staying at home and not enjoying company outside and is not forcing and pushing him all the time to join her. From my experiences thats what normal NTs normally do, because of them wanting to go out, but also wanting to spend time with their partner, so when they do not understand your deeds they are pushing you all the time to join them going outside.

So having a partner, that is able to go outside on his own, is a big advantage in my eyes. My partner also wants to go outside with friends, but its always a struggle, because of his need to spend time with me and his additional need to spend time with his friends to be happy. If I dont go with him (by myself, he is not pushing me) he is getting sad because of spending not enough time with me, if he is staying with me, he is getting sad because of not seeing his friends. So its always a struggle for me, because I dont want him to be sad, I´d like to spend every day with him and his friends, because these days are the happiest for him, but I simply cant and so sadly he is often forced between chosing to stay with me or join his friends, because of my issues. So if I had a partner, that was able to go out with friends and have fun and not caring if I join him or not, I would be absolutely happy because of him being happy.

I agree, that as long as you both are struggling with each other and still needs to arrange each other, you should wait with marrying. As long as you dont plan having children, there is no need to hurry anyway. Talk about your issues, try to find solutions and arrangements, and dont forget that your NT partner needs to be happy as well, he may not have "special" needs, but an NT has needs as well that are for him to being happy as important as your special needs are for you. You wont have a benefit, when your partner starts to ignores her own needs, to "respect" your needs all day long, and finally simply ends up sad. A happy relationship only functions with two happy partners, so you need to find solutions to make both of you happy, instead of both of you insisting blindly "to respect your needs" blindly. Generally you are both grown old people that should be able to choose wisely. And as she has chosen you the way you are with your need to stay at home instead of going out, you have chosen her the way she is with her need to do something all the time.

Marrying is about loving the partner thats in front of you the way he/she is. Not about the partner how he could be, if you do enough psycho games, arguing, demanding and forcing him/her to change the way you like to have your dreamprince/princess.

My advice is not to get married as it sounds like it's going to be a lot of problems between you two if you were to get married.

Schneekugel --

Yes, "free time" should be free and easy in the sense that it's not held to a precisely timed schedule of clock-in/clock-out the way work must be. Yes, the great thing about free time is that we should be able to do with it what we want and also with how long or short a time it takes to do what we want.

But it is disrespectful to a significant other if Partner A constantly tells Partner B "I'll be home around 11pm honey," and then doesn't show up until 1am. While, in the meantime, Partner B has been worried, or unable to sleep.

It's disrespectful to do that kind of thing repeatedly, as it seems the OP is describing, because it's rude and lacking in sheer, plain, baseline courtesy to tell someone you love to expect you at a certain time, and then make them wait.

It's not courteous or considerate for anyone to repeatedly do that to anyone.

Maybe Partner A should just say "Don't know when I'll be back, don't expect me anytime particularly, don't wait up for me."

Then no expectations would be forced upon anyone.

But how crummy is that, do do that to a fiance six nights a week? If that makes Partner A happy but doesn't make Partner B happy, then something IS wrong and something has to change.

If the change isn't in Partner A changing her going out pattern, then it has to be that either Partner B accept it, or leaves and finds someone with whom this doesn't even happen. But the fact that Partner B is posting about it here and expresses that it's a problem for him, clearly shows that, well, it's a problem.

And yes, nobody should want to force someone to change and become how they want them to be. If someone likes to go out a lot and not have to keep promises about when they'll be home, fine, that's great, that's how they want to live --- but they should not have a partner who would like to spend more time with them, and they should not have a partner who would simply like to know when they'll be back home.

Personally, I don't think it at all unreasonable to wish to know approximately when the person I love will come home. I don't think I'm alone in that. That's not actually unreasonable. It's just courtesy. If you share a life with someone, it's not unreasonable to want to know they're okay and that later plans together are still on course. I once put up with a boyfriend who was chronically late for me and OTHER people told ME it was disrespectful and rude of him. Sometimes it takes others to wake us up and tell us we shouldn't be accepting shoddy treatment that we thought was just that person "being themselves...."

I agree, it does sound quite suspect. But even if she is just hanging out with friends, it still seems to me that she is basically not ready to settle down. Now this is not based on any experience other than an understanding of certain actions.

If I were in this relationship, just based on the information supplied, I would be considering revoke my proposal mate.

Sorry, I didnt get the part where it was told, that he is forced to be in an relationship with her. If they dont find solutions that are good for both of them he is free to go and find a more suitable partner. There is no bad or evil partner here, none of both. All you write is simply about giving her the bad part, so you can easily say "I am right so I dont have to change to keep our relationship working and you are bad, so you are the one who has to change." which is very childish and something often done in the first teenager romances, but normally sooner or later you learn with that teenager romances that in an relationship like this, in the end noone will be happy. She could play the same psychogame as you do by "Ohhh...my partner is so evil...he is not respecting me. He refuses to meet with my friends as he shall do as my partner. So this is telling me that he thinks the people surrounding me are not worth his time. And my family as well. He is not respecting them. He simply does what he wants 6 days a week, and is refusing to join social life for 6 days a week. All my friends I asked agree with me, that being at home 6 days a week is quiet excessive, so I demand to be right and that our differences are his fault and that HE must change. I mean its great for him if he wants to stay at home all week, but then he should not have a partner, that likes to go out with friends and he shouldnt have a partner that doesnt want to plan the whole evening." You can turn what you do in every view you want simply because none of both is doing something bad, so every behaviour can be shown as the good one, and the other one as the bad one. These fightings you often have in young relationships, simply because the humans behind still thinking that there must be a right behavior, so every else must be wrong. But thats simply not true. They simply have different lifestyles and needs, and this is something that is normal when two different people try to live a life together. And they can simply find a way to agree with each other (which is much easier without that kiddie "You are evil and have to change! No you are evil and have to change!"-stuff, or one can destroy himself by not accepting his own deeds and ignoring them to please your partner - but then this partner is an as*hole anyway if he/she accepts that, so I wouldnt want my partner to make himself unhappy only to please me, or if you find no solution to leave.

So sure, he could try your stuff and try to tell her how evil she is and do psychogames with her believing the nonsense in the end, telling herself how evil she is and changing her behaviour. As could he. Why dont you demand that from him? Simply because he wouldnt be able to live a happy life, when going out 6 days a week. It would destroy him. As the topicstarter already vote for her its quite comparable. Staying at home 6 days a week doesnt give her enough social input she needs in return. Forcing an NT to live a Aspielife is as destroying for that NT, as it is for the Aspie in the opposite.

So yes, they have to find ways to agree with each other, but arguing about "Who is the evil relationship gringe that needs to be turned by the spirit of christmas!" wont help anything, while simply talking might help. As example there is stuff, that is less exhausting me when having a evening with my partner and friends, so simply joining them when they sit around and are chatting all day is horror for me, while going to the cinema or playing video games is quiet ok because of less conversation and so on. So they need to talk with each other and find solutions. Maybe they can find ways that makes going out with her friends for him more comfortable at special occations as they can try to find ways, that makes staying at home for her more comfortable. (Playing board games or whatever...) And if they dont find solutions, then there will be nothing left to depart. But "gnagnagna you are soooo evil, because of daring to live another lifestyle then me..."-talk wont help them anything in finding a solution.

And because there are others that share your needs, it makes them right? I have the need to bleed once a month and half of the human population agrees with me on that. Does that make me right and anyone not having that need an evil uncourteous person, that needs to be forced to bleed once a month? It is simply a personal need of you and your personal viewing and as there are not so many different possibilites on that, its normal that there will be people agreeing with you. I share a life with someone for 14 years, and if he tells me that he will be definitly home at 23:00 and its 23:30 and I didnt have a phone call or whatever I´d like to know if he is ok. But generally we simply avoid stressing ourselves with strict times and its more of "I think I should be back latest around midnight, but if not I´ll send you a message." People with precise times are stressing more cosier people as much as cosy people stress people with precise time demandings. None of both is the evil one, as in everything both simply have to find ways that work for them. That ways dont have to work well with the whole world, and others dont need to agree on the solutions they find and it doesnt matter what others think about that, because its simply that two people involved, so they need to find solutions for THEM, not for agreeing or disagreeing others.

If my partner hangs out with friends, and they dont have a precise plan because of them simply hanging out with each other and leaving when they are tired, I simply dont plan anything that is based upon his presence but plan single-"player" stuff. If he already is at home 2 hours earlier then I expected, this can mean for him that I will be playing for another hour computer games, because I dont like to suddenly interrupt what I am actually doing. But as I am willing to understand that its pretty lame to leave a funny friendgroup at the best moment (that you cant predict before) without a reason only to be precisely at home so that the watch at your arm is satisfied, he is willing to understand that its actually disturbing me if I am mentally into doing something and suddenly forced to interrupt it. As you cry around for precise timing, he could as well cry around for him coming home after some hours and me only saying "Hi" giving him a kiss and then sitting back in front of the computer for an hour. Gnagnagna...disrespecting behaviour....gnagna...other people would agree with that...gnagnagna... But we simply agreed on accepting that, so it doesnt matter what other people thinks about it, its one of the solutions we found for our different needs and for us its working. We also could have wasted lots of time telling ourselves we evil we are for having other needs, but that wouldnt have helped us to find solutions with each other.

Schneekugel -- I have no intention of ploughing my way through your massive pile of vomit there. Ever heard of paragraphs?

And what a nasty individual you are, attacking me.

Suffice to say, the few bits I did read clearly showed that you have not understood a single word I said, and have completely twisted all my words, and misinterpreted EVERYTHING You couldn't BE more warped regarding my meaning.

Just one example: NOWHERE did I suggest anyone is "evil".

What in hell is wrong with you? Why are you twisting EVERY word I said?

You are just someone looking for a fight, aren't you?

Well I don't deal with difficult people and you're being deliberately difficult. I have nothing to say to you as you are being SO wrong and so attacking to everything I'm trying to explain.

Wow. Talk about not getting it. You twisted and misunderstood every word in my post.

Bye.

I think you have a valid concern. Going out six nights a week seems excessive. (Turn it around and she is leaving you home alone six nights out of seven.) That's fine if it's what you've mutually agreed on, but that's not what it sounds like you're saying. Does she get no pleasure out of just being around you? Where on earth is she going all these nights?

Definitely it is inconsiderate of her to tell you she'll be home at a certain time, but to frequently be very late. Telling you that "life is full of changes," and you have to adjust, is itself rude. If that's her attitude, what other "changes" will she unilaterally decide you have to accept later on?

As for having kids, is that something the two of you have discussed?