Why does he love me

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I'm sort of in panic mode again- I always get like this during or after I see my boyfriend.
I am in the process of getting a diagnosis of Aspergers. She said I most likely have it so I'm just waiting on the official report.
If I knew I had Aspergers back in September would have I initiated things? I don't know. I was on a high at that time- just about to start a new college course and was going to my very first wedding which happened to be my brothers.
When I was told that he has been four years trying to get with me I decided to give it a shot.
Things went downhill since then and I went back to my old ways wanting to be on my own all the time as well as having anxiety and tension.
The diagnosis of Aspergers has put a lot in perspective for me. It allowed me to accept things for the way they are.
But it hasn't made things any easier with my boyfriend.
He is one of the really good ones. He loves me but I can't return the feeling. All I feel is dread when the time does come to see him again. When I'm with him I endure cos I don't want to hurt him. I always panic after. I panic inside when with him but I try to hide it. I find it hard to connect with people in general and the closeness that he wants and should get, I find it impossible to give and receive for that matter.
We've been together since September but a chunk of that I wasn't too well and wasn't in contact with him. Now I talk with him on facebook for an hour a day and we see each other every so often. I find I'm dreading it more and more and am putting up a pretense while with him.
I'm really trying but it's getting harder instead of easier. He knows about my diagnosis and has been very patient but he is very insistent that he is not letting me go. He talks about kids and marriage. I just don't think I can do a relationship. I do best when left to my own devises. I don't think I'm capable of sharing my life with someone in a way that is required for marriage and children. I'm struggling to cope on my own as it is.
I don't know what to do. I'm the only girlfriend he's ever had and he really loves me. He has made references to when I wasn't in contact with him about how he really really missed me. It will devastate him if I end it and then a part of me keeps trying cos it is the normal thing to do in life.

hi, maia,

sounds like you dread the whole relationship. the sooner you end it, the sooner your boyfriend can find a pairing that works for both parties. you aren't doing either of you any favors by hanging in there.

Hi, I agree with Cathylynn, there are no favors being done for either of you staying when you are so unhappy.

Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you are obligated to stay in a relationship with them. You have awareness of your needs for space, personal time, and pursuing your own activities and you are dreading his company.

His statement about not letting you go sounds scary. If he is going to be so possessive of you after only dating for a few months, I would not encourage him with continuing to Be Friends after you call it off. You don't need him hanging around and keeping an eye on you and being possessive and trying to get back together with you. As mean as it sounds, a clean break is probably better as it sends him a clear, unwavering message so he doesn't hold out hope that your feelings will change. He can be one of the good guys and still not be the guy for you.

My two cents, hope it helps encourage you to do what you need to do.

He knows that I need my space because I make it clear to him. He does try to hint a lot about when is he going to see me next. I agree. I can't give him what he needs both emotionally and sexually. The thing is I don't think he would even try to find someone else. He was four years trying to get with me apparently and had our future mapped out.
I also have to be careful because he is a good friend of my brother's so I don't want to threaten that, although I don't think he is the type of guy to project his hurt that I have caused onto my brother's friendship.
He hasn't had it easy growing up as his family is not supportive to him and I am one of the very few good things that has happened for him. He is also extremely generous as he has bought me expensive gifts so I do feel a bit guilty about that.

If I was to be with anyone it would be him but I think I am learning that relationships are just too much for me to cope with and that I would rather be on my own. At least that is the way it is at the moment anyway.

Thanks for the encouragement, I kind of know that it is inevitable that I will have to end things even so soon after we made our relationship public on facebook. I agreed to it to make him happy. It's just trying to work up the courage to do it. I would be leaning towards a 'dear john' letter because I express myself so much better in writing but I'm told that isn't right or fair on him. If I was to do it in person I wouldn't be able to express my true feelings. I'm pretty sure I have Alexithymia too. I have tried before and all I could manage was to ask if we could be on a break. I don't know if I would be able to handle his reaction either.

Considering I've been "this guy" dating a girl in your situation the best thing you can do is to let go of him. (of course, I mean "this guy" in a much lighter sense, take away the creepy obsessive portion, just the dating a girl who CLEARLY isn't ready sense~)

You're clearly not ready for a relationship, you clearly can't offer him what he seeks. It's wrong of him to keep pressuring you into trying to be something you're not, and not going to be any time soon. He should realize that. He probably does, but doesn't want to because he's waited so long and put so much time and effort into it. You don't owe him anything, you don't owe him love, friendship, emotion, god forbid sex, and if he expects any of that from you simply because he shows you love he's in the wrong. Considering he has absolutely no relationship experience he's probably ignorant to this.

The best thing to do is to make him understand as best you can, then go. Don't worry about how he feels, worrying about how he feels is what's holding you back from being happy. If he doesn't take it lightly, too bad. He'll have to man up and realize it's not his fault, that's how some people are. Some people don't like being touched, some people need space. Some people just don't want to have sex. You can't change that about a person, no matter how handsome, rich, or funny you are (and being all those things could actually intimidate some introverts more) he'll just have to learn to accept that.

Dragging it on, leading him on and so forth is going to make him more and more miserable, and you as well. I can't imagine how hard it is to spare someone's feelings in this situation, so I know the whole finding a way to break up is hard. I actually had to tell her she needs to break up with me, and she did, so, I can't offer many suggestions in that front. But it needs to happen.

Last edited by 886 on 24 Jun 2013, 6:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

When you say that you "agreed to it to make him happy" is a big red flag right there.

It sounds like he is very obsessed with you, focusing on a future together where he has it all planned and you just fit into whatever he wants to do. Run away!

Having dated persons who reacted badly to my suggesting, based on reality, that we should end things, and having endured their extreme responses where they said things like they'll just die without me, you would be shocked at how none of them died without me. None of them spent the rest of their lives alone, infact, after a few intense days of drama over it, they seemed to move on and find another outlet for their obsession to play house with, and it wasn't me. Imagine that.

If there are expensive items in question, give them back if you feel obligated over them. If you offer to give them back and he doesn't want them, consider if they hold you back from moving on and give them away or keep them. A gift shouldn't be given in order to get something back from the recipient.

Good job becoming aware of your feelings and your needs! That is the healthiest thing you could do, it took me ages to arrive at that kind of self knowledge.

Yeah, I have that feeling that he is obsessed and it is unsettling. I really do wish for him to be happy with someone. I just don't think that someone can be me. I don't think it matters what way I do it because it will still all be the same for him and at least in writing I will be able to communicate exactly how I feel.
886- I don't think he will ever tell me to break up with him. Fair play to you for acknowledging the girls situation and taking the bullet for her so to speak. Does she have Aspergers, or were the circumstances completely different? I ask because my boyfriend suspects he might have a mild form of Aspergers after reading up about it for me. If that is the case I don't think he might be fully aware of the intensity of my difficulties. How did you come to realise what needed to be done?

Well, I don't know what she had. It could have been a variety of things. She was 21 and had never, not just kissed anyone, but had any experience in general with anyone. She was never open about her feelings, towards me, us, or anything in general so all I could do was guess. And I mean, anything. I never knew how she felt about any little thing that happened between us, it was that bad. It's not my autistic ignorance, she literally told me nothing about how she felt, about.. anything. When I asked if she wanted a relationship, I told her how I felt, all I got was a "We should hang out again soon. Night" That bad It was frusturating because I always believed all these things were because she was shy and it was just "new" but I realized after a while it was alot more. She lied, consistently, about having plans, and lied about being sick constantly to avoid kissing me. I was never cool with it, but I knew if I mentioned something, the answer would result in a break up, so I had to stay silent and just hope she learned to enjoy it. After she made up lies to start talking to me less, I just sent her a text overnight telling her that she needs to either help me understand what she goes through or break up with me. She did the latter, then stopped talking to me entirely.

Although I was in the same situation as him, I think we're different people. I was never in love with her or obsessed over her. I didn't ever tell her I wanted a future with her, I never told her I loved her (although after the breakup, I did say I loved her, but I made it clear I wasn't in love with her) let alone buy her gifts, except for valentines day. I don't think he's going to break up with you because he has no outlet, he has no experience and no one else to go to. Leading him towards a breakup like she did to me is only going to really hurt him. Even doing so much as staying friends with him might lead him to stay around hoping you'll change, and you never will.

Unfortunately, you'll have to take charge and do what needs to be done. It's going to hurt, both you and him, but after a while you'll both be happy. The more you worry about sparing his feelings, the harder it will be on you, and the harder it will be on him. The more you stay around leading him on, the more he'll keep trying to make you love him back. You need to learn to put yourself and your happiness first. He's just going to have to learn that it wasn't his fault, he couldn't of done anything differently, and it's not that you didn't love him.

You never mentioned how you actually feel about him? Or I missed it?

Do you like him?

I got together with him cos we had a lot in common and decided to give it a shot. I do like him and I love him enough to want him to be happy and not hurt him but I am not in love with him as much I try to make myself want it. As I said before if I was to be with a guy it would be him. That's why I am trying so hard to make it work.

Writing a letter. Am I right to do that? I was going to scan it in and e mail it to him. It's the only way I would be able to go through with it and to express my true feelings and give him a clear message. Thanks for the support in making the decision.