Needing Companionship: Is it Anti-Feminist?

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Joined: 25 Jun 2013
Age: 30
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30 Jun 2013, 12:35 am

I was diagnosed with Aspergers three months ago, and since then I have been realizing and analyzing how much of many of my "numerous oddities" are related to this form of autism.

One thing that I am in need of opinions on (especially from other aspies) is my constant need/want for a partner, AKA a boyfriend.
Because I have a very hard time connecting with other women (or anyone without fur or feathers for that matter) when I find a boy who truly "fits" with me, it improves my life, happiness and health an unbelievable amount. It is not because I need him to make me feel good about myself- it is because he is one person that I need to feel connected with. Without this one person, I feel more depressed and alone in the world.

Unfortunately, the great majority of women in my family are Feminists (which is great for them), and have criticized me harshly for being so attached to having a partner. They make me feel like less of a woman for having this "partner gap" that needs to be filled for me to be very happy.
I am hoping to hear if anyone has a similar tendency, or if anyone has some words of wisdom for a young and slightly overwhelmed Aspergirl.

cathylynn
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30 Jun 2013, 12:50 am

you might feel even better if you had more than one companion. your boyfriend might fell better, too, if he, all by himself, didn't have to fulfill all your social needs. I know it's hard, but it's worth it.

lasersandlasers
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30 Jun 2013, 12:50 am

Graybird wrote:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling extremely attached to a given love interest and/or feeling alone without someone. It's a hardwired human tendency to desire contact in some way or another. Anyone who tells you that desiring to be with someone is "diminishing" to an ideology has dogmatic and defensive principles, which should be a red flag for the principles in question. It is important to care for oneself before anything else, and forcing your own value to hang upon someone else is unhealthy, but you've specified that it has nothing to do with that, and that this is simply a matter of connection. While it's important (so I'm told

) to try to develop connections with a reasonable amount of the people around you (whether that means learning more about them or moving to where you're around those you'd actually like to get to know in the first place :roll:

), desiring a deep connection like the one you've described is perfectly healthy. Shame on anyone who's told you otherwise. This is why I avoid organized labels like 'feminist'.

Last edited by lasersandlasers on 30 Jun 2013, 12:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

thewhitrbbit
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30 Jun 2013, 12:51 am

Do they have partners?

I've learned that people who don't have something they want can react two ways

1.) Fight for it

2.) Destory anyone else who wants it.

There's nothing anti-feminist about wanting to be in a relationship. That's damn silly. I can see if you don't wanna be in a relationship where you are barefoot and pregnant but come on.

Kjas
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30 Jun 2013, 12:56 am

Graybird wrote:

I'm going be very simple about this: nobody else can tell you what is right for you, except you.

I think they're trying to get your happiness to be more dependent on you, and not solely on others - which is a good thing. But they're going about it the wrong way.
While I agree with them that would be a great start - it's not always enough for everyone, even if you have the concept down. Some people choose to get defensive and be in denial about things like this, because it's easier than being honest with themselves and opening themselves up to something that could cause that much joy or pain.

If you feel that you need the right man to be really happy, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as you are being honest with yourself.
Of course it will help if you have more than just one person (because if things fall apart with that person, it will affect you worse than it would otherwise), so I think as long as long as you attempt to maintain some friendships too, there really isn't any problem.

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Meistersinger
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30 Jun 2013, 4:13 am

Graybird wrote:

The only advice I can give is if you and your partner are happy, tell anyone that think otherwise to take a flying leap off the highest cliff they can find.

Meistersinger
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30 Jun 2013, 4:15 am

Graybird wrote:

The only advice I can give is if you and your partner are happy, tell anyone that think otherwise to take a flying leap off the highest cliff they can find.

Meistersinger
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30 Jun 2013, 4:21 am

Graybird wrote:

The only advice I can give is if you and your partner are happy, tell anyone that think otherwise to take a flying leap off the highest cliff they can find.

rabidmonkey4262
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30 Jun 2013, 8:10 am

You have to know how to be happy with yourself before you invite anyone else into your life, guy or girl. If you can't survive without them, you're just using them as a crutch. It's not a very healthy relationship.

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Vectorspace
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30 Jun 2013, 8:58 am

Graybird wrote:

That's a bit stupid, I think. Nowadays, having a boyfriend doesn't mean giving up your identity.
Maybe they're confusing "feminism" with "hatred of men", which is a bit hypocritical because being judged from one's gender is exactly what feminists are trying to fight...
But as this isn't PPR, I will stop now.

Cilantro
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30 Jun 2013, 11:55 am

I don't think it's anti-Feminist, as to be anti-Feminist it would be more along the lines of believing that women are by nature only an extension of men. What it suggests to me is hinging your emotional well-being on something that needs people to maintain it, not to maintain people with its existence.

starrynightmare
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30 Jun 2013, 5:13 pm

I seem to have a similar problem, Graybird. I find myself more depressed/feeling alone without a significant other. And I do face criticism from single female friends and others who think I shouldn't "need" a boyfriend.

I just think I'll just have to deal with it until the right person comes along, since that may not be for a while. :/

torquemada
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30 Jun 2013, 5:36 pm

Graybird wrote:

Unfortunately, the great majority of women in my family are Feminists (which is great for them), and have criticized me harshly for being so attached to having a partner. They make me feel like less of a woman for having this "partner gap" that needs to be filled for me to be very happy.
I am hoping to hear if anyone has a similar tendency, or if anyone has some words of wisdom for a young and slightly overwhelmed Aspergirl.

Being a chauvinist Puswad isn't exclusive to having a penis. I've connected my serial attachments to low levels of oxytocin, but am still doing the research.

I will say that you shouldn't aughter need a partner to make you "happy", because that's a good way to make bad choices. It's damn all to do with Feminazism - Do what's right for you, not them. You go, girl! (sic)

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danothan24
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30 Jun 2013, 10:45 pm

Definitely in the same boat with needing a partner/girlfriend...never actually had one but I feel infinitely better when there's even a girl I just have feelings for, at least until I found out she doesn't feel the same way. I don't think wanting a partner is "anti-feminist" at all. I consider myself a feminist (if anything, I'm kinda sexist against other guys), and the idea that wanting a partner is demeaning to women is ludicrous.

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Schneekugel
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01 Jul 2013, 3:33 am

I dont know, where you always have your informations about feminism. Sometimes it seems for me, that you have a lunatic feministic Nazi camp in the USA, because you are always making so much issues about it.

Feminism is simply about accepting you as the person that you are, with the needs you are, instead of being the way that other expects you to be, because of them being more comforted that way.

So if you have the need for a partner, then you have a need for a partner, which means YOU would be more comforted with having a partner. So if you are a feminist, and so accept you as the being that you are, where is the problem?

Khoma
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01 Jul 2013, 8:14 am

Be who you are, regardless of what they think of you. You're great as you are.

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