Boyfriend scored 39 on AQ, could he be?

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Liah
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08 Jul 2013, 7:44 pm

Hey guys! First post here. I'd just like to get a few opinions from others (with or without autism/aspergers) on this.
Basically, I'm very much used to autism/aspergers by now - my sister is autistic (non-verbal), and I work as a support worker for those on various ends of the spectrum.
Before anything, may I add that his potential autism/aspergers will not hinder our relationship by any sense - I am 100% willing to adjust to his behaviours (as I already have done), and support him in every way possible (again, as I have done).
My boyfriend is 24, I'm 19. He's a successful man, lives with his business partner, works from home, and is a hard working web-developer. We were together for a year, broke up for three/four months, and after him trying incredibly hard to win me back and promising me he'd treat me better, we'd gotten back together and are now in our fourth month of our relationship and looking to move in together.

My suspicions arrived almost immediately after beginning our relationship. Do the following behaviours sound like ASD behaviours to you?
- talks profusely about himself
- inability to handle emotion well, admits he struggles to display his emotions when it comes to emphasising, sympathising or providing emotional support. Says he has "the emotional range of a teaspoon"
- mistakes sarcasm for literal speaking at times
- overly-indulgent in his hobbies (web-development, gym, photography and tattoos)
- although he's able to remember an entire syntaxes of code, he's unable to remember the months in order, understand roman numerals, and struggles with telling the time slightly
- almost reluctant to understand another's point of view when it differentiates from his
- blunt, tells you how it is
- avoids small-talk at all costs
- talks in a monosyllabic tone
- occasionally needs reminding to brush teeth and shower
- struggles with cleaning/tidying; has had to hire a weekly cleaner as I've refused to do any more of it, until we live together :P
- struggles to fall asleep at night
- obsessively picks at skin on his scalp, or generally any other part of his body
- does not take well to disturbances
- seems to unintentionally upset people (mainly me) with his comments, almost daily
- very smart

He's a relatively social guy, despite his dislike for small-talk, and is almost always out-and-about. He comes on a little too strongly for a lot of people, but seems perfectly happy having acquaintances rather than good friends. He claims I'm the only person he's close to. I love him unconditionally and I know he loves me too, despite the way he'll act towards me a lot of the time. People mistake him as 'arrogant, obnoxious and rude' however, I believe ASD may have a lot to show for in this case.

He seems to be aware that he's potentially on the ASD spectrum, but shys away from the idea of accepting it, or a professional diagnosis. I've told him that by admitting so, he may be able to understand himself better, his inability to portray emotion, etc. (it'd help me to understand, too!)

What do you think, guys?



benh72
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08 Jul 2013, 7:58 pm

Yep.
Give him time and support.
He may wish to get a diagnosis and he may not, but pushing him is likely to cause him to rail against your efforts, so better to mention it, say you will support him, and that if he is not ready to seek diagnosis you will be there for him if or when he wants to.
Many Aspies that are into technology are resistant to seeking diagnosis, as the condition of being an Aspie is actually a benefit rather than an impediment in that industry; the thinking would be something along the lines of "why seek a diagnosis for a condition that is a benefit to my employment, career and lifestyle? Why spend money to get a label I don't want, just to confirm something I already know?"

In my case it was a gradual process of coming to understand, accept then acknowledge that I am probably an Aspie though in my case it has caused me no end of difficulty.

I expect it's all a matter of perspective; if like me your BF had been misdiagnosed with a mental disorder in his teens, hospitalised, had difficulty holding down a job, had difficulty relating to his family, and just had general difficulty with interpersonal relationships and with functioning independently then maybe he'd be a bit more keen to seek diagnosis.

If on the other hand I were a techie, and blended in with others in that world, then what would be the point?

All that matters is that you support him and love him, and accept him as he is; that's all most people really want from a relationship, and sadly it's more than many people get!



Liah
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08 Jul 2013, 8:06 pm

benh72 wrote:
Yep.
Give him time and support.
He may wish to get a diagnosis and he may not, but pushing him is likely to cause him to rail against your efforts, so better to mention it, say you will support him, and that if he is not ready to seek diagnosis you will be there for him if or when he wants to.
Many Aspies that are into technology are resistant to seeking diagnosis, as the condition of being an Aspie is actually a benefit rather than an impediment in that industry; the thinking would be something along the lines of "why seek a diagnosis for a condition that is a benefit to my employment, career and lifestyle? Why spend money to get a label I don't want, just to confirm something I already know?"

In my case it was a gradual process of coming to understand, accept then acknowledge that I am probably an Aspie though in my case it has caused me no end of difficulty.

I expect it's all a matter of perspective; if like me your BF had been misdiagnosed with a mental disorder in his teens, hospitalised, had difficulty holding down a job, had difficulty relating to his family, and just had general difficulty with interpersonal relationships and with functioning independently then maybe he'd be a bit more keen to seek diagnosis.

If on the other hand I were a techie, and blended in with others in that world, then what would be the point?

All that matters is that you support him and love him, and accept him as he is; that's all most people really want from a relationship, and sadly it's more than many people get!


Thanks for your reply, it's great to hear your experience, you seem very knowledgable! Nonetheless, I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've faced, I wish you the best.
I don't know if you could help me on this, but, as of lately I've been relatively unwell - he hasn't seemed to acknowledge nor support me with this, and says "everybody should man up and face their own problems". How would be the best way to describe to him that I need his support?



Thelibrarian
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08 Jul 2013, 8:08 pm

Liah, though I'm not a tech type, what you write describes me in large part. What I would do, if he's willing, is to call up the article on AS on Wikipedia, go through the symptoms, and see how many he has.



redrobin62
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08 Jul 2013, 11:46 pm

If he avoids small talk at all cost, how is he able to have a social life? Seems contradictory.



conchscooter
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08 Jul 2013, 11:55 pm

Tell him what you need explicitly and without room for misunderstandings. If he listens and responds you have the makings of a relationship even if he gets it wrong from time to time. If he does not listen then unconditional love is going to hurt you.

The thing I have found about Aspergers is that we tend to ignore anything not of interest and if you are a feature of his life that doesn't interest him you are banging your head against a brick wall. He may like you but if you are "too much work" he'd rather be alone.

I have not much patience for people so I carefully select who gets my empathy and time and I do my best not to piss them off. Everyone else has to "man up etc... etc..." I just don't have the energy to spread it around a rom full of people in my life. If I told my wife to "man up" I would be out in the street and rightfully so.

Getting diagnosed has made my particular behaviors explicable and I find the knowledge reassuring. I'm not alone in my weirdness and that, oddly enough, makes it easier to live with.