Communication and Sex in an NT/AS Relationship

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I’m the NT in a fairly new AS/NT relationship (four months give or take a week), and things have recently begun to change for the worrisome (at least on my end). My boyfriend has been diagnosed and I grew up with an older sister whose AS was slightly milder than his so I think I’m actually more frustrated by the situation because I do objectively understand the current situation even though it hurts so much subjectively.

As you’ve probably figured out from the title, I’m having some problems with how sex is treated in our relationship. My boyfriend is very touchy feely with me so there’s a lot of small nonverbal affection being thrown around on both sides. However, while we both seem to be eye to eye when it comes to little gestures, I reach a point where I need verbal affirmation of affection, and he needs sex.

I should probably explain that sex is by no means a sacrifice for me. Not to get into TMI, but when it comes to our sexual compatibility, having sex as often as he wants is not a struggle.

The core of the issue seems to be how we view sex. He sees it as a necessity. Not just to fulfill an individual need (again probably TMI, but the dude is good) but also to reaffirm the emotional bond in the relationship. I view sex as more of the icing on the cake of a relationship. It can make or break the situation, but there needs to be a foundation of something that doesn’t seem tinged with horniness holding it up.

We’ve sat down and talked about this at length (he initiated the conversation) a week or so after a minor blow up on my end, but I don’t feel like I’ve really gotten through to him. I don’t want or need a declaration of undying love or anything, but I do occasionally need some verbal affirmation. Something like “I’m glad I met you” or “Thank you for doing ___” would be awesome.

I’m not sure if there’s any advice that I can get except try talking again, but I’m beyond frustrated at this point. Almost everything he says has started to feel like a criticism even though I know he’s just making a factual statement that I’m twisting around in my head. I’ve been trying to keep it under control, but I’m crying way too often to be a good sign and I’m generally just feeling depressed (this is making it even worse because I do have a history of suicidal depression that I’m trying to leave behind). Sex has not stopped or been hindered in anyway, but I’m worried that I’m starting to feel resentful, which makes it less fun for me.

I don’t want to stop liking sex, and I don’t want everything to go to pieces over this. It’s not that he doesn’t care. I know he does, but I need him to /say/ something nice to me on occasion in order to fulfill my own emotional quirks.

Tango, what you are describing is actually very normal in male-female relationships. Men view intimacy as largely physical while women take a more comprehensive view, meaning they want the physical to be accompanied by more emotional intimacy than most men need.

I would strongly recommend the following book to you. This man's books are worth their weight in gold when it comes to understanding the opposite sex:

http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Ve ... s=men+mars

Good luck!

why don't you just tell him he needs to make between 2-5 nice personal comments a day?

When I had a GF, I would always say I love You before going to bed.

Maybe you can start there, each of you saying it to each other before you go to bed (either online or in person).

Females are emotional creature, and need to be fed emotions.
Males are physical creatures, and need to be physical.

It is equaly as important for you to get your needs met, as it is for him to get his needs met.

The real questions is, how do you get him to do his part?

I've done a lot of reading of relationship books, and talking to girls. The above is my observation and conclusion. I understand that flowers, favours, shared responsibility, time together ect, is what makes a woman's world worth living. Men are simpler (generaly speeking), sex and food is all they look forward to.

Somehow, this must be shared knowlage between both of you, and both must undertake to give the other their needs. It can't be one sided, I guess he must somehow come to understand this, and strt to do his part.