NT gf wants to party, I don't

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Yesterday afternoon, my NT partner and I took my son to a kid birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. I was overwhelmed by all the people and noise, and ready to go home when it was over. As we’re walking out to the car, my partner says she’d like us to stop by her cousin’s house on the way home to visit a bit. I’m not thrilled but agree to the detour.

They’re all having a few beers and talking. The kids are playing. I was social and ok for the first couple hours. At 9pm I remind my partner that we have to get home to let the dogs out and feed them, and get my son to bed. She says ok we’ll go soon. 10pm comes and goes. I’m getting annoyed. The cousin asks me if I don’t like her or something. I tell her I do but our dogs haven’t been out for 8 hours and they need to be fed. She then says “So, you like your dogs more than me?” I didn’t know how to respond to that.

At 11pm I’m pissed. I ask my partner to step outside and I try to convince her we need to go. By the time we get home it’s going to be 10 hours since we left. The dogs still haven’t been fed, they’ve probably relieved themselves on the floor by now. She says she just wants one more beer. We go back in and she has at least 3 more. I lost count because I went in to sit with my sleeping son on their couch. We didn’t leave until after 1am.

I was livid when we got in the car and start spouting off a list of grievances. She said she never gets to go out anymore and I should lighten up. We got in a big argument and she decided to sleep on the couch last night. This morning she’s all happy like nothing happened last night. Is it an NT thing to have, or pretend to have, amnesia the next day?

I don’t know if she’s right and I need to cut her some slack, I’m just being too Aspie, or if I was really justified to be angry by NT standards too. I guess if I was an NT I’d just drink myself silly too and we’d all wake up on somebody’s floor the next morning. She’s put me in this position a couple times before but not this late. About 6 months ago we went to a party and I left at 10pm and she came home later with friends who live a couple streets over.

She wants people to come to our house next weekend for a barbeque. I’m not sure what to do.

She was drunk.

Question: How often do you get a gf?

I feel you had a right to be upset. I would have been in tears and probably would have called a taxi to get me home to care for my pets. Drunk or not, NT or not, she disrespected you and showed no love for the dogs. I hope you can work this out. My husband and I have worked this type of problem out by taking separate cars when possible.

Well she prob was drunk and prob only half remembers.

I would say a good rule of thumb is when your kid is falling asleep, that's time for you to go home.

Also, did your GF grow up around dogs? I grew up around cats and I find it weird that people plan their lives around letting the dog out. She might not fully grasp that, especially when drunk.

I actually had this arguement with my husband. I had enough control to present it logically as "can you hold your bladder for ten hours? Would you like to be alone for ten hours? Would you like to only have breakfast to last you throughout the day for food?" We don't have kids, but if we did, s**t would have hit the fan if my partner chose todrink himself silly instead of taking our kid home to a proper bed. Also if any person asked if I liked my dog more than them, I would have answered yes, because it's true! Lol.

Another option though.
Next time, you can calmy explain to everyone that you have to go and ask if it's okay to leave her there. She can come home when she's ready, the dogs get fed, let out, etc., your son gets taken care of, and you get some needed downtime. If she drinks often, it's probably inadvisable to take seperate cars. Call her a cab or see if someone can take her home. If it's not a big drive, i'd say come back and get her, but having your son might complicate that, depending on age & temperment.

My very unhelpful opinion...

If she wants to party, let her party. You take the kid and go home when you feel it appropriate. Personally, I'd have left at 10pm in your scenario. She can take a cab or sleep on their couch.


To me, that situation has nothing to do with NT or ASD, it has to do with consideration and responsibility. The childs needs have to come first, in every situation. Then the needs of the rest of the family (cats, dogs, whatever). Your (or your partners) personal amusement/enjoyment is last on the list. For me, such behaviour would be a dealbreaker. I would not accept such disregard for the members of my family on a regular basis. Maybe next time you could go home after the outing with the child, then she can go to the party alone after, or you could go together after having taken the dog out and found a sitter for the kid.

If this is a once off thing, then forgive and forget. If this is 'normal behaviour', then you guys need to sit down and have a discussion about it, calmly and rationally.

How long have you been dating? Is this her first time dating a single father?

These are important questions. Dating a single parent adds new things to the equation. She needs to understand these things if the relationship will be successful.

Yes, she was drunk. I guess it's confusing to me that she would not remember just because she was drinking but it's either that or she remembers and is trying to avoid revisiting the subject.

They're actually her dogs, not mine, but I feel for all creatures. I don't want her to drive home when she's been drinking. She had a DUI in 2009, I think. I didn't get together with her until 2011 so I'm not sure exactly when it was, but it didn't seem to scare her. We were actually dog sitting her sister's dogs over the weekend too and needed to care for them also. When we got home at 1:30am she wanted to take the car to her sister's a mile down the road to let them out. I refused to let her take the car. She demanded "Give me the keys to my car!" I said "You don't own a car." (Both our cars are in my name because of her DUI.) I told her to go to bed and I'd go but she insisted on doing it so she walked there. She came home about 4am and told me it was my fault she was having an asthma attack, said "F*** you!", and went and slept on the couch. 9am she's up and chipper and loving like nothing had happened.

She doesn't drink often but when she does it's like Jekyll and Hyde. She's wonderful when she's sober but turns into nasty person when she's drunk. She's a Gulf War vet and it seems like bad stuff from the past resurfaces when she gets drunk. I also notice she exaggerates or lies almost constantly when she's been drinking. This is really the only time we ever fight. We've been together almost 2 1/2 years and she's maybe done something like this 4 or 5 times. I can't see breaking up with her when 99% of the time things are great. I wish she'd just stop drinking completely but it's almost like she thinks she needs to get smashed every few months. I've told her to go to parties without me but she always wants me to go too. I don't think she really understands that I don't like socializing. I think she thinks once I get there I'll be glad I came but I'm not. I have a beer or two, engage in awkward and often confusing chit-chat with her friends, and pray we can go home soon.

I do like the idea of just leaving her somewhere when she's drinking like that and doesn't want to go home. Tell her the bus is leaving and let her crash on their couch or get a taxi. It probably makes me look like less of a jerk if I just explain I have to take the kid home or whatever and leave rather than stand there essentially tapping my foot for all to see. Obviously, they got the impression that I no longer enjoyed their company and were offended.

This is why I like being single and childless. Not having to deal with drama like this and having more autonomy over my life. I have fallen for a girl who was a hot mess like this. She could be sweeter than sugar. But was very emotionally unstable (she has Borderline Personality Disorder).

Its an NT thing they always want to party and get drunk and do stupid stuff all the time and use it as an excuse to be horny and hook up!

I agree with the above.

Sounds like it's time to find a solution, as an aspie I find the residue from these kind of things is very sticky for me, I can't shake it off but my GF is fine. We do a lot of separate things, she sees her friends I do my own thing.

If your partner needs to vent and get a bit wasted you don't need to be there or take part. After a day out like that I would have wanted to get home too. Can you arrange for her to get a lift home, taxi, or even go back and pick them both up? I mean drop in to be sociable but you should not need to hang around and be stressed like this.

A young kid shouldn't be out till 1am. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her this and take the kid home and come back and get her.