Can aspie girls get over *him*?

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Do you think girls with AS have a harder time getting over break-ups than girls without AS?
Just a general question here, but I must warn you I'm gonna go into a story--it's really therapeutic.

I've heard girls have a harder time than guys getting over a break-up because of things like being so much more emotionally invested in the relationship. A guy once described the guy's perspective to me as being very task-oriented and just moving on faster because they see what's ahead of them and just move on to the next task (if that makes sense).

Girls, so I've heard/read, naturally (or it's nurtured, in Aspies' case?) dissect and analyze each thought and action and emotion so that carries over into post- break-up, so what I'm wondering is if Aspie girls are that much more analytical, especially with all the second-guessing having Asperger's comes with.

I'm 24 and have only had one boyfriend, from age 17 to 19 and a half. He was amazing to me. He was 7 months older than me, 7 inches taller than me, a sweetheart, so respectful to me, my parents, and his own parents, mature and wise, silly and goofy, smart and ambitious, in architecture school, the same Christian faith as me, Hispanic and spoke Spanish, street savvy, and actually really cute (can you tell I'm still slightly in love with him?). Everyone in my life loved him, and everyone in his life loved him. He was kind of my seeing eye dog, teaching me about life and the world since I don't really have common sense. He stopped me from getting hit by a car in the street several times from not paying attention. He introduced me to a whole new world of culture and music and took me to all these cool places in the city.

Growing up with three neurotypical sisters and NT friends (and even if he was NT), having someone taking care of me and loving me for me for a while meant a lot to me. I became addicted (like many do in a relationship) and wanted to see him every day and felt like every day that I didn't get to see him was a total waste (I saw him twice a week usually at most).

He said once in one of our arguments that I don't connect the dots in a way that most do (wow, bingo on that one boyfriend!). We fought at the end for a bit and kind of both knew it was going sour. I was in denial of breaking up though. I remember telling people it was mutual and really thinking that it was (just because I was aware we were breaking up), when it so obviously WASN'T mutual. I must have been delusional. He broke up with me ONLINE at like 5am while I was up with homework in my college dorm room and my roommate was sleeping.

I was having such a hard time accepting that this was really happening and begged him for reasons why. He actually listed a few--I ramble; I don't have confidence and he tried to tell me so many times that I'm beautiful but he felt like it was in vain; and I can't remember the third but he said I treat him like a King but it doesn't make him happy and he can't have me being strung along in love with him while no longer loves me (makes sense, but not when you're in love).

Needless to say it's been a long, slow, up and down process of getting over him. I had to talk to him on the phone still ..couldn't go "cold turkey," but that didn't work out--I couldn't hear his voice and pretend we were "just friends." Eventually we stopped every form of communication. I couldn't STAND talking to him (mostly online) with this wall up having to pretend I wasn't still deeply in love with him and not being able to share our true feelings. I was desperate to know if he was in pain at all. But he'd already told me ...he said it felt like a weight was taken off his shoulders (he was also a brutally honest person). I was always wondering if that was just a cover.

Since the break up I saw him only twice at mutual friends' get togethers. I have since then had so many dreams where we're together in a group and there's this intense yearning to be back together (from both of us, not just me). Delusional, I know. Guys suck yeah! But really, what I'm wondering is whether or not Aspie things have to do with how it's taken me so long to get over him. I don't cry over him anymore, not for at least two years, but could these things have to do with it?: our intense sensory experiences, our vivid memory and ability to remember such specific, exact moments, the way we perceive things, and then what all of the good things about *him* mean to us when we never thought we'd even have a boyfriend?

Especially music though. Music is my oxygen. The music he introduced to me I haven't been able to listen to, especially John Mayer (curse John Mayer and his sappy songs!). But then any song that reminds me of him.

*sigh* ..I'm done. I just think there might be some truth to this. So sick of everyone always saying "get over him already!" Did they date him for almost three years? NO.

I wouldn't say it's a case of women being more emotionally invested on the spectrum. I'd say it's more a case of Aspies don't like being dumped, period. Read through L&D a bit and you'll find you're not alone in not getting over a really good thing. Most of them where the ones that were dumped as well. It does suck losing something special when it's not on your terms.

He sounds like he was an amazing boyfriend to you. Remember that while he's irreplaceable he's not the only guy that can make you happy out there. You don't have to "move on" as such and "find" someone else, but if someone else does come along try not to turn them away and give them a chance.

I don’t believe it’s an Aspie thing, or that gender is relevant. Everyone has a unique set of traits and handles it in a different way. Love is just an individual, human thing. Most of the best and most popular songs are love songs, because everyone can relate. The good novels, movies, etc… Nothing seems to sell without a major romance component.

If anything, I think an Aspie is more likely to be rational about it. After a while, when the first shock wears off, you realize that you have a choice. It is a choice to keep the misery going out of some kind of misguided loyalty or whatever it is. I’ve been there. You can probably choose to resist that irrational, self-destructive part of yourself better than most NTs. I’m not saying that it’s easy, but the realization that it’s a choice makes it possible.

On the other hand, you might be too rational to go into denial, as most NTs seem able to do so easily. Focusing on his shortcomings, even hating the bastard, can be a huge part of getting over it. I lucked out in that department – my Ex-es really were despicable, so I never needed to lie to myself. I don’t know how I would have handled it if they were decent human brings.

that's just it! he was such a decent human being!

I'm sorry for you having hard time over this... *hugs*

I don't think it's a female thing, but I can understand the Aspie trait of getting very obsessive about something (or someone in this case).

Would it be possible for you to try get excited about something new? Have you been dating anyone else since him? I find that it helps with myself, but I can't claim recovery would be a short process.

I'm trying to forget someone atm that I really should forget about, but admittedly it is a pain... Luckily it is a relief to notice that there are decent guys in the world, more than just one.

Can you deliberately choose to lie to yourself?
Or, failing that, stretch the truth a bit?
Forget the good stuff and focus on what bad traits you can remember.
Stretch them as far as you can.
Did he have any warts or other physical imperfections?
Did he ever fart in bed or anything at all?
Bad politics or philosophy? Bad taste in music, food or clothes?
How about a family history of baldness or something you don't want to pass to your children?
Whatever it is, you can't live with that. You're better off without him.

I think part of your problem might be that he's the only boyfriend you've ever had. And (based on personal experience) having no one else to compare him to, you end up thinking about him whenever you feel the don't-have-a-significant-other type of loneliness and when thinking about things (including actions) you associate with him.

On that note, I think you should try associating music with something or someone other than him. When listening to a song, don't think about who introduced you to it, try listening to it like you've never heard it before: think about what the artist is trying to tell you or think about if it reminds you of someone else in your life, like a family member, or perhaps a favorite character or show (make it their theme song), place, animal, etc. Or you could try my favorite: make up a completely unrelated (to your life) story to go with the song. The trick (to forgetting the origins) with music is to make it "yours:" your interpretation, your grandmother, your favorite character, your favorite color, your new story. It makes it less "his" or "the couple's," so you won't associate every song with him. Of course, you won't forget entirely who introduced you to a particular song, but it will stop you thinking about him every single time you hear the song, especially if it's a song you listen to a lot and is more a part of you.

I hope this helps.

I don't think something like that ever goes away completely. You just push it aside, and try to let the embers die down over time. Eventually the memories warm rather than burn you, but you do have to let them be as much as you can until then.

True dat, yo.

What about aspie girls that initiate the break up?

The first one is always hard, no matter what kind of wiring you have.

Not being a flitting social butterfly makes it even harder.

Give yourself time. You don't have to just get over it, already. Seriously. Time.