Rules of Engagement

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Sorry this is so long. For those who have been following the saga, I've more or less settled on how I'm going to handle things with my Aspie. I'd be interested in feedback.

He'll call in a week or two, and he'll want to get together for sex. I miss him so much it hurts, but it isn't so simple. I'd like to spend a little more time talking first. I'm not going to wait for him to grill me about birth control again. His behavior is the issue, not mine. I'll take charge and ask if we can have a serious, mature discussion about health issues first, along these lines:

We're both quite health conscious, more so as we get older. With his father's cancer diagnosis, he's very worried about his own cancer risk. I was a pack-a-day smoker for 20 years, so I'm concerned too.

Sex raises all kinds of health concerns that I want to address, before we go there. He is paranoid about surprise pregnancies (understandably), but he isn't concerned about disease at all. I hate condoms and have always used the pill (including with him, the first time around, 17 years ago), so my concerns are exactly reversed. I have never had a pregnancy scare or any issues, in 20 years. In addition to mood and sensory issues, I prefer the pill because (1) I am in control, and (2) taken correctly, as I do, it is has a higher efficacy rate than condoms.

He told me he's had sex with "many people" over the last couple of years. Transactional, casual sex - nothing emotional or long-term. I have been celibate, because I don't do casual sex. I only have sex in the context of monogamous, long-term relationships, and I haven't been in one since 2010. He knows this very well, and he's emotional about me. If a booty call is all he wanted, he wouldn't be calling me.

I don't know when his most recent encounter was, but his STD risk is necessarily higher than mine. Yet, a few months ago, I had to ask him 3 times if he'd been careful to avoid STDs. Finally, he said "yea." I don't think that was the truth. I'm angry that he'd lie to me, especially about something so important. I know he's used to screaming confrontations, but that is never what I'm after. I want civilized discussion and reliable information, so I can make good decisions for myself. I can't make reasoned, informed decisions, if he lies to me. So he's never to lie to me again - about sex or anything else. (He's a terrible liar and I can usually tell, but the point stands. Lying to me is not ok - ever. I have never lied to him, and never will.)

One specific STD I'm concerned about is HPV. Strains 16 and 18 are known to cause cancer. Cervical, vaginal, penile, anal, oral, throat cancer - anywhere there has been sexual contact. There are no other symptoms, so many people are carriers, without being aware. I have to see my doctor soon anyway, at which time I will request a full screening for all STDs, as well as the HPV vaccine. I will also inquire about other forms of birth control, if he would like.

I'd like him to get a full screening and an HPV shot too. I'd also like him to abstain from sex with anyone else while awaiting the results (as I would, of course), and show me the lab report. Since he has lied to me, I think that is reasonable. I'd also want to know that our sexual relationship is monogamous. No sex with anyone else, by either one of us. He knows from experience that I will not leave him wanting.

I feel like this is a lot to ask, but I've never had to before. I've never been with anyone as reckless and irresponsible as he is. I am a responsible adult, and taking care of oneself is what responsible adults do. It's also about self-respect: I won't lower the bar, and gamble my health on his bad judgment. I think it is fair: I am guaranteeing him no surprise pregnancies, thus I want a guarantee of no surprise diseases. I also think it is important to establish clear expectations up front, so we don't get hurt and pissed off and fight later on. Back then, we just jumped right into bed and never clarified any ground rules, which is why it ended. I don't know where things are going now, but I believe we will both be happier if we avoid some of the more glaring mistakes we made the first time around.

I love him, I miss him, and I want him, but if he wants sex with me, this is the deal. He benefits in many ways. So, I intend to spell out these conditions, and he can agree to them, or not. I am 100% serious. I'm prepared to walk away, if the answer is no.

Good idea? Bad idea? Other thoughts?

Sounds very reasonable.

Casual sex demands STD testing.

That sounds fair enough to me.

Whew. Thanks. I'm really scared about this. I still have issues from a crazy, abusive father. When I'd try to reason clearly and directly with him, to persuade him to choose a different behavior, he'd interpret it as an ultimatum, lose his temper, and treat it as an invitation to oppose me, hurt me, and infuriate me as much as he possibly could. Deep down, I fear my Aspie will do the same thing, so I have to remind myself that he is not nucking futs, and will probably respond a lot better. There's no rush. He can take time to think it over.

I'd like to mention another thing that bothers me about my Aspie's behavior: the example he's setting for his kids, who are currently reaching puberty (12-year-old son, 10-year-old daughter). Not that they will ever know any intimate details of Dad's sex life, but a while back he mentioned having "the birds and the bees talk" with his son. I cringe to imagine what he said - almost as much as what they must witness on a daily basis with their ex-crack/heroin addict, alcoholic, personality-disordered mother.

I do not feel it is my responsibility to rescue those kids. I don't even expect to meet them anytime in the foreseeable future. But I do feel that HE has a responsibility to teach them something about healthy, functional relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and love - which he must first learn himself. They sure as heck won't learn about it from mom.

I just think the fact that there are kids in the picture, is one more legitimate reason to set a good example and high standards from the very beginning.