Marriage Compromising

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How do you compromise a wedding? My boyfriend is Catholic and he wants a big wedding and to get married in the church. I'm not religious and I really don't want to get married in the church. I don't even think I can since I'm not Catholic. If it were up to me I'd go to city hall and just sign the papers.

P.S-My boyfriend is half Italian so it's bound to be a huge thing.

How do you compromise for something like this?

Do you like outdoor weddings?

You can get married in the Catholic church even if you aren't Catholic as long as you have been Baptized and aren't divorced. However, I understand the big Italian Catholic wedding thing, even if you aren't religious it's a big social event.

I would suggest doing the big wedding because it's great, beautiful, and something you will always remember (you'll remember any wedding, but I think it's more special when it's big like that). Also, it's pretty important for Catholics to be married in the church, so it may be important to him. If you do have serious reservations about being involved in a religious wedding then I'd suggest something like having it possibly on a boat. One of those weddings where you go out on the water and the Captain marries you. That would make you able to also have the reception on the boat too, if you rent a nice big one for it. I'm sure his family would think that was very nice.

Have you gone to any of the marriage classes for non Catholics and Catholics there? Just going to some and listening with an open mind and discussing with him and the priest your hesitation may help them to see your point of view better and then they can talk to his parents. I'm sure the priest has seen many marriages where they didn't want it in the Church.

You also could compromised by having the wedding somewhere else and then a small ceremony to simply get your marriage blessed by the Church, rather than having the wedding itself in there. This would mean that while you are still against having your wedding in the Church, you would be willing to go along with a small secondary ceremony a few days or weeks later that will satisfy the religious requirements of his family, and it won't mean that you are agreeing to believe in it. You could also plan your wedding the way you want it now, have that and your reception, then have the blessing ceremony and let his family give you the big Italian reception.

Either way, I'd highly suggest keeping the Tarantella in the reception. It's a great dance!

You can def get married in the Catholic church like Oliveoilmom said.

Can I ask you to be more specific about your objections to the large wedding? Are you concerned about being stressed out/tired out from having to be social with all the people around? Or is it something else?

I'm thinking maybe you can set up a place you can step away to if you need a breather.

Compromise? Well, I've seen this drama played out dozens of times ... it's a little drastic, so try it at your own risk.

First, the bride determines who is actually paying for the wedding.

Then, the bride goes to that person and insists on details that would cost at least twice as much as they can afford, and further insists on having her way, because she is the Bride, and the wedding is really All About Her.

The bride then disagrees with every decision someone else makes, and change her mind often, especially after money has already changed hands.

The bride insists on being involved in even the most minute detail, and makes such a nuisance of herself that volunteers actually resign.

Finally, the bride tells her your husband-to-be that unless everything is according to her wishes, there will be no wedding because she will refuse to be married under anything less than absolutely perfect conditions because "I AM THE BRIDE, DAMMIT, AND THIS IS MY WEDDING, SO IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE RIGHT!! !! !!"

Then she bursts into tears and locks herself in the bathroom.

By that time, if her fiance is still interested, he will be begging her to elope.

If you can't compromise and agree on something you should not get married.
It would not bode well for a happy marriage if you can't even agree on something like the wedding arrangements.

What else(alternatives) besides city hall have you been considering?

Any man who sees that BEFORE marriage and still goes on with it deserves what he's getting. Nobody can force you to marry a psycho, if you do it it's your damn fault. I can't stand this kind of winging.

OP, have you considered how this might also be a problem after getting married too? Especially if you want kids. If I were you I would plan carefully, discuss with your future husband and set down some clear rules for the future.

So lets see if you are a true or a foul prophet.

Me and my partners bank account. Ok, so far you are right.

I didnt go to my bank account to insist on something, because it would be pretty stupid to talk with a bank account. But then relative came to ME and insisted on details that would cost at least twice as much, not as I could afford, but that I would be willing to pay for it. I further insisted that I am the bride and my partner is the whatever the malebride is called in english, the mother in law then decides to get f*****g mad at me for ruining everything, and be a complete stupid dumbass, not able to see how important an 900 EUR photograph, doing a photo-documentation of the complete wedding day instead of the dumb lamer, that would have done photos of the ceremony and some couple photos of my partner and me. The documentation would be starting in the morning, where I do not like to see anyway anyone. After an hour of arguing and getting more and more angry she is frustrated about me being to dumb and stubborn, to accept how important 2500 photographs are, that noone ever will want to see, and because of me being so dumb, she gets mad because of "her being forced to pay for that real photograph and photodocumentary." Because of me being the bride at least I am allowed to insist, that I need my freetime in the morning, and so sadly there will be no documentary of me being painted and dressed.

The bride then disagrees with many desicion someone else makes, because of not willing to change her mind every 5 minutes about something, that is already completly organized.

Thje bride is completly happy about not being involved in stuff, that is not already completly organized, because so the mother in law stops to try to change things, that are already completly prepared and can focus on something without destroying organisation, and feel herself important and as the grand hero and "savior of the wedding".

Finally the bride tells her husband that she definitly loves him, but would like to kick him in the balls, because of him not standing up against his mom, and so forcing us to have that sh***y big wedding, causing me meltdowns and making me start smoking again. The brides insist from now and then THAT ITS OUR WEDDING AND SO IT SHOULD BE AS WE LIKE IT AND NOT HIS RELATIVES but those are only small moments of resistance between the surrendering before the expectations of the relatives, and a future with them blaming on us for all time, if we dont obey.

Change bathroom with sister, and its ok.

Or he organized our wedding witnesses, to organize some weed, and do the traditional bride-kidnapping that forces him to search for me, so we all can have 20 minutes on our own, and get away to find some peace and relay from all that s**t.

At the threadstarter: I´d try to make a compromise. If its done in a church, then there will be traditional a more then one hour ceremony. Specially if your relatives are not religious, they will hate that. Instead you could try to find a peaceful small chapelle, and instead of all that singing and praying you agree with the preast to only have a more "normal human" ceremony and a classic praying. If your husbands parent expect you to agree in a bi large sh***y wedding, then let them do the organizing as well. There is nothing more sh***y, then to organize a great sh***y wedding, when you think yourself every minuite, that you hate great sh***y weddings and everything you do.

I thought you had to become a catholic if you want to marry one.

My objections to a large wedding are that I have major social anxiety and I hate being the center of attention. I also don't like spending money on something I know I wont enjoy. I'd rather spend it on a honeymoon or a down payment on a house.

The breather part is definitely a good idea. I'm willing to compromise. I think even having it outside would make me feel slightly better.

Haha Bridezillas. Hmm it sounds like a cunning plan though. I guess I'll do it for his family though. It's going to be majorly budgeted though.

To be honest, I'm not even engaged yet but I've been with him long enough to talk about what we would want in the future which I think is a good idea to do before taking the next step. I'm pretty open minded so I'm willing to do what he wants as long as he doesn't spend too much money but I'm not like the typical woman who is going to be all into this and I told him that. I think getting married outside would be a lot easier on me than inside a church for my anxiety. I'm literally afraid of falling or saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing while everybody watches me.

Well, since scuba and I are going through the same issue, Lostgirl, we've decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. We've also been trying to mix in parts of religion from both of our religions. I wanted EXACTLY what you said you did. He said he couldn't do it because of an obligation to his family. Compromise with him. Have the wedding at some kind of place on the lake, or something outside of a church, and allow him to have a priest marry you both.

I'd suggest solving this issue of religion before you get married..
What will you teach the kids? Will they be baptized? etc.

I would be sympathetic but it's your own fault for dating one.

Dating one what? One what exactly are you talking about? Catholic? NT? Italian? Clarify your bigotry for us, please.